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Ten ways to kill an ant
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Too much free time on your hands does wonders to your mental capability.
I woke up at an astonishingly incredible time of 8am today , astonishing because
1) I slept at 3am
2) I am NOT a morning person. I'm someone who often laments about the sad fact that the Snooze function on alarm clocks' not an hour long.
3) I had no reason to be waking up so early , because i have no class and work starts only at 3pm.
There you have it. And to top it all up , the time is 12pm now and i'm still bursting with energy and i feel like there's adrenaline rushing about in my veins.
This is amazing.
Anyway , i digress.
Mornings are really boring , there's nothing on TV except home improvement programmes , news bulletins and re-runs of "I Love Lucy" on cable.
I wound up watching MTV for 3 hours straight while finishing almost half a loaf of white bread with a generous amount of peanut butter slathered on it .
Nelly , Usher and Alicia Keys got on my nerves after 3 hours and believe me , its too damn tedious to be hearing the same people sing all the time.
Damn you , MTV. Just because these three are the hottest property on the market right now doesnt give you the damned rights to repititively play their songs.
Whatever happened to Metallica , Dashboard Confessional or Matchbox 20 ?!
Okay.. as i was saying. The boredom.
I was so bored , i started dancing in front of the TV to .. Who else ?
Nelly , Usher and Alicia Keys.
Must have been a really horrible sight , a girl with cottony fluffy hair resembling a hair ball fresh from a cat's mouth , wearing a pair of batik floral shorts inside-out and a rag-like camisole ( also inside-out ) shaking her booty while yelling out lyrics of "Hot in here".
Don't even think about it.
I was grooving like i've never danced before , with never-seen-before moves like wild flailing arms and neck bobbing egyptian/indian-style.
The routine was so strenous , so full of life that i got stitches in my abdomen so i had to stop .
And then i realised i had nothing to do again so i did what i always do when i'm bored.
Which was to agitate my poor hamster , Hammie the 6th.
Hammie looked disturbed as i lured her out with an enticing piece of Kellog's corn flake.
She ran in circles as she tried to hook the bait but it failed to amuse me after a while so i let her enjoy her favourite treat in peace after awhile.
By the way did i mention one of my favourite pastimes is to hold a piece of corn flake somewhere above Hammie's running wheel so that she can run for miles and miles while craning her neck to grab her treat.
Damn funny leh.
But i know Hammie won't hold it against me because she knows i love her most :)
ANYWAY.
I flipped yesterday's newspapers for a while , readin stale news and even the business sections.
"Dow Jones falls by 10,00000 points after Bush steps down after pleading guilty of incest and sodomy during impeachment trial and Shwarzeneggar claims Presidency"
What a scandalous fiasco !
OKay , not funny. Republican advocates , please do not sue me.
Urggggggh. This is like the 3rd time i've digressed .
I saw a little ant scurry back and forth as i scanned the obituaries .
Everyone who knows me will know i have a thing against ants. Ants piss me to no end , and i seek pleasure in tormenting them . Fuck what i always preach about being against animal abuse !
Ants are not animals.
They're insects. Pests. Parasites.Poppycock.
I followed the lone ranger closely so that i can locate its nest .
Unfortunately the lucky bitch disappeared through the kitchen window so i reckon the nest's outside my window.
Since i have so much time , i decided to sit by my window and bask in the afternoon sun at the same time.
Two ants crept in and i was prepared.
I swooped down on them like an owl with my dad's prized champagne flute glass and promptly held them prisoner.
My sadistic instincts reared its ugly head as i pondered about means to kill them.
First thought : Smolder them.
My thoughts went back to my primary school science textbook.
I lighted a tea-light and waited till my two nano-sized captives were pacing on the glass walls and i covered the tea-light with it.
Get the idea ?
Flame = Combustion.
Combustion = Burning of oxygen.
The flame fizzled out after a few seconds , signifying that there was no more oxygen .
BUT THEY WERE STILL RUNNING ABOUT AFTER TWO MINUTES.
So my mind went back to my science textbook again.
Yeahh. I bet they can't survive when they breath in copious amounts of CO2.
Hmm. I foraged my fridge for baking soda , and found it.
But i didn't have any carbonated drinks so i had to forgo the idea.
My eyes wandered and i saw the altar......
Hehehehehehhee.
I was suddenly inspired by the brutality of Hitler and his gang.
Think gas-chambers , except that instead of cyanide gas , this time , it'll be monoxide fumes.
I placed a piece of burning incense under the glass and i thought
"damn this time they really gotta die of smoke inhalation"
But !
Wah- la wah- la !
They didn't.
I'm not joking when i say that by that time i became visibly livid with impatience .
I took out my asthma Ventolin inhaler and spritzed a couple of puffs into the glass.
This time i wasn't surprised that they didn't die since the inhaler's isn't toxic. Like duh. I would have died if it was.
Anyway.
I made a wager with myself.
Either they die this time , or i release them.
I took out my trusted Baygon.
Okay , so the wager's really unfair :P
They literally drowned in the Baygon. Heh.
Now , before you dismiss me as some baygon-toting cockcroach murderer , may i interrupt.
I am not.
I am just prejudiced against ants , and ants alone.
I actually let cockcroaches off scot-free whenever i see them.
Cockcroaches are a sad discriminated lot actually .
But then again , some people find stomping on a cockcroach extremely gratifying.
They think its orgasmic to see the yellow juice ooze from a decapitated cockcroach.
Or the satisfying CRUNCHHHHHHHHHH when foot-meets-cockcroach.
I just derieve mine from sealing the entrances of suspected ant nests with superglue or a wad of baygon-soaked cloth.
I stay in one of those rare homes where u can safely leave a licked sticky lollipop on the table without any worries of it getting infested by ants because i am such a dilligent ant-hunter that my house has ZERO ants. Nil , nada , zilch.
Wow. I can't believe i just unloaded that truckload of crap.
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Here's a memorable conversation log with Shawn "Kukubudus" Low.
Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
brb i need to pang sai
Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
haiya nvm
high on diesel and gasoline says:
......
Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
i bring this lappy in
high on diesel and gasoline says:
u're SICK
Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
what the
Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
my shit slid thru me like a hot knife with butter
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
no splash back'
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
clean afterwipe
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
one piece, no stragglers
high on diesel and gasoline says:
are u out of the loo now!?
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
not yet
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
looka like we have more
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
incoming
high on diesel and gasoline says:
.........................................
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
"dong!
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
OUCH
Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
that was a big one
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Ten easy steps to heaven
By Fiona Tan
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1) Stick a well chewed piece of chewing gum on the "Close button" of lift doors. Preferably drenched with sticky greenish mucus or anthrax-loaded saliva.
2) Pee on your neighbour's gate. Why shouldnt you , since she's always poking her head into your windows to watch you sleep or make out with your boyfriend ? Nosey bitch .
3) Stuff a tennis ball into the exhaust pipe of your neighbour's car. Watch and observe the pyrotechnics that will follow .
4) Scare the shit out of your family by discarding the box of a pregnancy test kit as conspicuously as possible
5) Paint a ball of cement black and white before a Man United match and cheer as Van Nistelrooy breaks 5 toes attempting to kick it. That nasty bugger deserves it.
6) Press the head of a newborn . Extremely malleable and you can shape it to fit your preferences. Not too hard though , it might burst. Now , you won't want brain juice staining your new Atticus tee rght ?
7) Replace your mom's anti hair-loss shampoo with Veet's depilatory cream.
8) Line the insides of a condom with fire ants.
9) Replace your faggot brother's shaver with the blades of a potato peeler. He'll never have to worry about overnight stubble again.
10) Fill the resident pervert's tobacco pipe with gunpowder. Say goodbye to days when you have to walk up stairs with your hands pressing on your skirt because he'll never stand under the staircase waiting for an upskirt moment again. Ever.
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Listening to : The killers - Somebody told me
