-----
Tales from a camera phone
----




The ugly Singaporean strikes back !

I was utterly appalled when this woman suddenly lifted her leg into the sink and started scrubbing them with her hands ; her fingers reaching for the spaces between her toes.

She repeated every action with her other leg and i was left feeling very disgusted.

-----
the problem with men
----

Yesterday , we celebrated T's birthday at a place synonymous with Bengs and Lians ....

KBOX ! ( Okay its actually a KTV for the benefit of my foreign readers )

To be honest , i absolutely detest KTV sessions because i don't see any sense in paying to sing along to music when you can do that bloody well in the comfort of your home , or bathroom with self-delusional "omg i sound so much better in the loo" acoustic effects.

But then again like BBQs ( which i abhor as well ) , it makes a good place for get-together sessions since people are lumped together in an intimate setting perfect for conversations or rather , yelling matches over horrid off-key singing .

Anyway.

I realised that i have belittled the size of men's ego.

I used to think that it was this big *gestures with hands a metre apart* but now i think that its this big *points to a HDB building*

Mammoth sized it is.

Everyone had a drop too much last night and people were walking around proposing a toast for no reason and one of them was James.

His alcohol tolerance was something of a legend because it has been said that no one can outdrink him but tonight was definitely not his night.

Midway through he annouced "Okay my bladder's full , time for a piss!" and promptly disappeared through the door.

Kelvin and T looked at each other and seemed to echo each other's thoughts

"Eh.. Lets follow James to see whether he went to puke !!"

So they did and they came back collapsing in a fit of laughter

"Wah lao..... he really threw up man !!!!!! I can't believe it !!"

I wasn't convinced because the amount that James had drank was meagre compared to the gallons he could guzzle.

"How you know he puked ?!" I quizzed , interrupting the finger-guessing game that i was playing with Deric.

"Of course la , the entire toilet only had one locked cubicle , whaddya expect ??" Kelvin replied and added as an afterthought

"Shit .. i still cannot believe that he threw up."

Just then James walked in rubbing his stomach

"Ah.. shiok ah my bladder's empty again.. Eh come , who wants to drink with me ?!"

I looked at Kelvin and T who were biting their lips to prevent themselves from laughing out loud.

"Don't want lar.. Any more and i'm going to throw up" Kelvin said , amazingly convincing.

"What ! Are you sure !? Wah lao , drink so little wanna puke already.. Go home lah you !!" James taunted and took another swig of his pint ( FYI i used to pronouce this as peent instead of pine-t )

Everyone in the room fell into an awkward silence , knowing better than to burst James' little bubble.

As for me , i did what past experiences have taught me not to which is to down beer and hard liquor consecutively.

So i ended up throwing up so much that i was still at it when i got home and i must have been really loud because it woke my dad up and it was the first time that i let my dad see me in that state. Hahahha.

Of course he was lecturing me while i was engaged in a cosy tete-a-tete with the toilet bowl but he was nice enough to make me a cup of hot camomile tea which went untouched. I didn't really hear what he was saying though i could vaguely remember him saying something like "No more late nights for you !!!"

Damn.

Trust me , i would rather be dead drunk because then you wouldn't feel the shitty nauseous feeling but more often than not i would be completely sober and feeling like there would be no end to this puke fest.

I swear i am going to stick to drinking just one kind of poison the next time round. No more laying my hands on whatever is on the table !!!!!!

And now i shall head back to sleep even though its already 11am. Thank god i don't have class today.

--
of conniving china women
---

Today , i was taking the bus and i happened to stand in front of this incredibly well-endowed woman whose breasts were almost spilling out from her top and from my vantage point , i could just see her nipples if only i tried.

However her cleavage was so creamy and appealing , i couldn't help but...



"My leftie is called Xiaomei and the rightie is called XiuXiu and they are my breast friends"

Now , never attempt to try this if you're a guy because it is just so damn suspicious for a man to be holding a camera phone at an angle.

Looking at her i knew at once she was from China and I confirmed it when she started speaking in a heavily accented mandarin on her phone.

The signs of a bratty woman from mainland China- Ghastly pale foundation that contrasts with her neck , tattooed eyebrows , heavily lined eyes , gold rebonded hair with curly roots ala a poodle, and fiery red lipstick that only serves to bring out the yellowish hue of her teeth. Eeew.

To be fair , one cannot judge another from their country of origin. It just so happens that they have suffered such a bad rep in Singapore because of the minority who flock here for the sole purpose of seducing local men in return for $$ .

Not forgetting those who throng Geylang at night and accosting men. Of course the men are equally fucked up in this case.

Just take a look around and you can see many of them hanging on to the arms of grinning old men and because this disturbing image has been etched onto the minds of many , people now tend to associate old men and young girls with them and it is definitely not a good thing because i'm always with my grandfather and there has been one time when i have been indirectly questioned by an auntie whose stall i bought food from with my grandfather and she gave me an unconvinced disgusted look when i told her that i'm his grandaughter ( please refer to my archives ) .

After getting pushed aside by them for the Nth time while queueing up for buses, among their many misdemeanors which i have personally encountered , i am beginning to loathe the sight of them.

When you dislike a particular race not your own , it is called Racism ( fuck you , racists )

But what about when you dislike species from your own kind ?!

Of course it is unfair to classify ALL mainlander women as leeches because they are not. Having just returned from China after a trip , i can assure you that although most of them are loud , uncouth and definitely lacking in manners , they are hardworking , filial and can be quite friendly at times.

My relatives from China are sterling examples. They actually took leave just so they could entertain us during our stay there despite the fact that there is no such thing as an annual leave in China and days off are entirely at their own expense ( simply put : no work = no $ ) , and they are folks who can barely survive on their meagre monthly incomes.

Worst of all they managed to make us feel worse by lavishing us with an opulent spread for every meal and farewell gifts of dried produce that would have cost them at least two month's worth of savings.

What a different image they have potrayed of the mainlander women !

I swear to god , next time i get shoved by them , i am so going to fight back. Maybe make them trip and fall over in their obiang chunky platform heels.

I think that is so fucking unfair that an entire group of people gets stereotyped because of a few black sheep thats tainting their reputation but thats always the case isn't it ?

For example the association of malays with delinquency , teenage pregnacies , tapered pants ,fake branded products ,unwanted void-deck concerts ( usually made up of one guy with a guitar and 10 vocals singing the same emo emo song ) and "eh brudder , go relak one corner k ?!"

But of course not of them are like that. Heck , i only know of one malay guy who vaguely fits the description above.

And the list goes on.

1) Indians are not always smelly.

2) Chinese men don't always go around spitting.

3) Bangladeshi workers are not always thieves or rapists.

4) Not all ang-moh men crave for asian flesh. And they are not always rich.

5 ) Phillipino women are not always maids.

6) Transvesites are not always Thai.

7) Most effeminate men are straight. A limp wrist is NOT a sign of cock-lovin'.

8) Not all convent girls are wild lesbians.

9 ) Not all ACS boys are cute ( Ha ha ha sorry private joke :P )

So there you have it. There are tonnes more but its 1.30am now and my mind is slowly malfunctioning so feel free to comment if you wish to add on and i apologise this entry has offended anyone but then again fuck you for being so narrow-minded.

Good night.

---
random joke of the day
-----

Q : Why the woman fall off the swing ?

A : Because she had no arms.

------

Somebody please bring me to Molvania and let me live the rest of my life there despite the lack of dentists.

Please.

-----
hmmm.
----

I am suffering from a terrible case of writer's block so i decided to copy and paste this questionaire thing from a random blog.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY : wtf ? everyone knows me as fiona and thats it.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: Angel14 ( my then irc nick in sec 3 hahah ) , hamster_ and now , hammie.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: Chinese , kiasu and slitty-eyed. ( sorry the only real piece of heritage i know is that my ancestors hail from Fujian )

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: An exodus of ants , death and the paranormal.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: Handphone , mints and mirror ( yes i am a self-confessed vainpot SO WHAT ! :p )

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: you wouldn't wanna know

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: the juliana theory , jay chou and disturbed.

THREE OF YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONGS: the closest thing by the juliana theory , everyday i love you less and less by the kaiser chiefs and breath by telepopmusik.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: chemistry , chemistry and more chemistry.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: big manly hands , a cute goatee and a trim tummy.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: reading ( boring yes i know ) , taking long bus rides and gossiping.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: cram my mouth full with Salt and Vinegar crinkle chips from Marks and Spencer , sleep and to hang out with a particular someone.

THREE CAREERS YOU'VE CONSIDERED: fashion/entertainment writer , food critic , vintage shop owner.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: tibet , europe ( oooh britsh accents and handsome french lovers. i like.) , mongolia.

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE: isaiel , hammie and xiaoyu.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: smoke weed , try the backdoor entry and decide if its really painful as it sounds , have a fling with a smoking hot frenchman. hahaha.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A WOMAN : the need to gossip , ultra sensitive ( emotionally la. what were you thinkin of ) , a warped perception that men are generally assholes.

----

listenin to : the kaiser chiefs : everyday i love you less and less !!!!!!!!!!

---
papa don't preach
---

Yesterday for the first time in years i actually sat down to have a proper conversation , though fleeting , with my dad over dinner at home.

Although we stay under the same roof , we only spoke when necessary and often they were never in complete sentences and answers were either monosyllables or acknowledged with silence.

I told him about mom clubbing at Zouk and he snorted

"Humphh. Like mother , like daughter."

va te faire foutre.

excuse my french.

------
wow.
---

Wed , July 20.

My god , what an interesting day i had !!! Am wee bit too tired to actually string my thoughts into complex sentences so i shall do them in point form , in chronogical order.

1) Met up with mr okay-thanks-bye in town and caught the movie with the ultra long and seemingly meaningless title "crying out love , in the centre of the world" . It was one of those japanese weepies and although it had garnered pretty rave reviews i was disappointed that it turned out to be quite a yawn-fest with one guy even falling asleep behind me but i have to give it brownie points for the plot and the lighting.The boy who played the protagonist during his teenhood was damn cute though. Small eyes !! Awwww.

Mr okay-thanks-bye was in an orgasmic state after buying his beloved pair of Chuck Taylors.

Oh and i really wanted to help ease your neck/back discomfort but i couldn't cus' Yan was around . Heh.

But i had fun with you.

happyyyyyy lar =)

2) Reluctantly agreed to head to Zouk with Yan and Bernard because i was dressed in an ankle-length ethnic skirt which is so not clubbing-friendly but i did anyway.

3) Was jostling through the crowd in Phuture and feeling rather miserable for no reason when suddenly i saw HIM ( some guy i used to have a major crush on ) !!! Even in the dim illumination i could still make out his signature dimple when he grinned at me. I went weak in the knees and my speech became incoherent. Suddenly , Zouk seemed like a better place. Although we only acknowledged each other by waving i was just glad to see him after so many months and after that i was all revved up to partyyyyyyy ! woooohoo !

4) Hung around Phuture for awhile so that i could look at him longingly from afar like some lovelorn admirer cum crazed stalker but decided it was too crowded so we left for Mambo where people had already started to do the mass dance thingy with the exaggerated and jerky hand movements. Since Yan and I were not fans of Mambo we started making a fool out of ourselves doing the Singapore workout in the middle of the dancefloor . What morons. hahhhaa.

5) Then the amazing part came. My uncle ( my mom's bro ) was actually dancing on the podium !! And , get this. His girlfriend is a ladyboy ( transvesite for all ye homo ignoramus ). WOW. I was very impressed and started to really have fun grooving with him and his girl who was quite the attention-seeker , shocking me with her random actions like squeezing her ample ( fake ) boobs together , placing my hands to her boobs or swirling her long ponytail around and lashing into my face .

Was quite pissed when some guys below made fun of her and i felt so heroic when i yelled at them saying "SHE IS MY AUNTIE HOR." That shut them up. Assholes. Some people are really narrow-minded. Best of all , drinks were on my uncle and i had long island iced tea. woot.

6) Talked to my uncle over the loud music and he said something which got my jaw dropping. MY MOM ACTUALLY CLUBS AT ZOUK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF . As you all know i don't stay with my mom so i don't really know much about her .

My uncle goes on to add that the last time my mom was at Zouk was like two months ago and some uncles actually tried to pick her up. HA ! Sia la.. didn't know my mother was so happening. So my uncle goes on to suggest that i should club with my mom someday and i was horrified by the mere thought but decided that it must be damn cool to be grinding your mother on the podium. LOL.

"Hello mommy ah ? Tonight ladies' night leh want go chiongz boh ??? STEADY LAH !! Meet you at the ATM outside Zouk at 11 ok !!"

7) Some fucker stepped on my foot and it was EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL. It was so fucking painful that i wanted to catch that guy and throttle him but he had already melted into the crowd.

I had to hobble along for a while with tears in my eyes and there is a huge ugly bruise on my left foot now.

I was reminded of the time when some bitch stepped on my foot when she was wearing STILETTOS . The bloody bugger still had the cheek to ask "Soli.. Painful or not har?!" OF COURSE PAINFUL LA HIGH HEELS LEH YOU FAT BITCH. Brainless sow.

Just thinking about the moment the heel met my foot makes my eyes water. Sibei steam. Kanina.

And oh i brushed against so many ciggarettes that i have gotten numbed to it and i stopped yelping like a hurt dog after my Nth incident involving a cigg. Blooooody hell. Pain is only good when its wanted.

That was my wednesday. The time now is 4.30a.m and i have class at 2pm. Blooooody helll. Good night y'all !!

p/s : just realised that i AM typing in sentences so the point forms are utterly redundant.

--------
what are YOU wearing !?
-----

I had new classmates and i couldn't help but gawk at what some girls were wearing to class .

One was wearing this oversized shirt as a dress and in Grace's words

"Wah lao her boobs almost spilling out from her shirt !"

Yup.. She was THAT overexposed.

And she was wearing BOOTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like , wtf.

One should dress for the occasion and you shouldn't wear what you would wear to turn on your boyfriend to class.

Give me sloppily dressed ( think muddy worn sandals , bermudas and crumpled "NTU orientation 2001" tees ) undergraduates anytime man.

--

listening to : opeth - death whispered a lullaby

--
mumble mumble
----

I think us consumers are a harrassed lot.

One can never find yourself free from unwanted information being shoved into your face unless of course you run to corner so secluded that you still can smell Sang Nila Utama's presence.

From the moment you open your door , you find wads of flyers from KFC or some cheena catering service stuck between your gates or under your door.

Then as you wait impatiently for the lift to arrive , you find stickers advertising a locksmith's service stuck near the button.

And then as you sit down at your desk and finally try to get some work done, you get popup ads screaming "YOUNG HORNY CHEERLEADERS" in big red bold fonts all over your screen.

Definitely NSFW.

Anyway.

The point is , i was in a rush this afternoon because i was late for class and i dreaded walking through the interchange towards the train station because i knew there were numerous people waiting to get close to you with some kind of proposition , brochures included.

The first person who tried to sell his ware to me was a young boy around my age selling second hand phones.

I smiled and almost broke into a run.

Then out from nowhere this girl shouts from afar

"XIAO JIE ! Yao facial mah ?? Promotion , 2 for 1 leh !!! Lai shi shi mah !!" ( MISS ! Do you want a facial , we're having a 2 for 1 promotion , come and try !! )

I shook my head and thought as i touched my face self- consciously

"Kan ni nah , i don't need a facial HOR !"

I had barely walked five steps away when another young woman approached me

"Miss , we're having a promotion.. Facials for $10 !!"

I glared at her and i decided not to smile politely because really , i don't see any need to observe any form of manners when i'm being indirectly insulted here.

So i walked away and i was in a really foul mood since i was all drenched and cold AND late.

The last straw came when this obviously stupid and pak jiao woman waved at me from where she was seating with a brochure and shouting

"XIAO JIE WO MEN YOU SHOU SHEN PROMOTION YAO TRY MAH!?" ( Miss we're having a slimming promotion wanna try ?" )

I mouthed the word "Bitch" under my breath.

I am standing at 164cm and i weigh a paltry 40kg.

Either she is really desperate for customers , ignorant or poking fun at my anorexic-looking frame.

I so badly wanted to scream at her

"Ni chi da bian lah , wo kan ni cai xu yao shou shen hor !! CHI DA BIAN LAH !! NA BEHHH !!" ( its okay , thank you but i don't think i require any of your services . Have a nice day ! )

If i was someone who is on the heavier side , i would feel so depressed if some dumb promoter tries to sell some kinda slimming product to me in public.



Nin nah beh ! LIM BU NO NEED NO FACIALS HOR ! PUI CHAO NUA !

Well , thats about it.

I am suffering from a serious case of writer's block these few days so please bear with the lack of updates.

Life has been good , i am happy and well-fed.

And oh , i really had great fun with mr okay-thanks-bye at Baybeats on sunday.

Concave scream was ROCKIN' !

Death of Cinema too !!

Shit man , for once the crowd was spontaneous . It was gooooooooood shittttttttt.

We went all touristy by hopping onto a River Taxi , became dramatic at Clifford Pier ( yah since it was the location du jour for melancholic good-byes in retro local drama serials back then ) and made a fool out of ourselves trying to ballroom-dance at a very deserted Raffles Place , where we also compared our toes ( my pretty pedicured toes won by a mile ) , curled eyelashes ( not mine ) and made fun of designers and their eccentric , sometimes bizarre behaviour.

Acute designicitis , i call it.

And mr okay-thanks-bye definitely suffers from it.

Muahahhaa.

Yes indeed , i am happy.

Its hard to remain sullen when your darling grandmother cooked all of your favourite dishes on a bleak and rainy monday.

----

listening to : Lin Jun Jie - Dou Jiang You Tiao

HAPPY mah , thats why must listen to corny happy songs like the abovementioned. But i really like that song la.

However i will draw the line at the fucking irritating "Lao shu ai da mi" thats like being played EVERYWHERE. The techno version of it induces spasms and causes me stick my foot in my mouth to prevent rabidly biting my tongue off.

Everyone now !

Wo ai ni , ai zhe ni , jiu xiang la shu ai da mi !

AI YOUR BACKSIDE LAH !

You know your dad is drunk when you stumble home at 2am and he asks

"How come you're home so early?" without any hint of sarcasm.

GINA ( curled up in a fetal position next to the wall ) : Rob please I'll never do it again give me another chance please oh my god Rob no ! ( lets off a long wail as Rob inches closer with a fruit knife )

ROB : One chance and you blew it .

ROB lunges forward and GINA manages to narrowly avoid being slashed on the face .

ROB : I'll make sure nobody's ever gonna touch you ever again , not even with a ten foot pole you lying whore.

ROB attempts to cut GINA again. She runs towards the door but ROB grabs her by her leg and she falls.

GINA ( screaming ) : I promise I'll be good ! I promise!!! ( claws at the floor )

ROB ( grabs her collar and then pulls her face towards him by her chin) : Such a pretty face.. pretty pretty face.

ROB presses the blade to GINA'S tearing and petrified face and a trickle of blood can be seen when suddenly ROB receives a blow to his head and falls to the ground . GINA stares at ROB writhing in pain with a stream of blood down his face , a bloody ashtray in her hand.

ROB ( hand against his wound ) : YOU BITCH ! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU !!

ROB tries to sit up but GINA swings the ashtray at his head again. And again. And again. There is a sickening sound of bone splintering as GINA hits him for the last time. She crumples into the floor , exhausted and perspiring heavily

GINA ( fingers in her disheveled hair ) : Oh my god ( looks at ROB'S lifeless body , his head a mangled bloody mess )

GINA slumps against the bed and there is a far-out expression on her face. Realisation sinks in as blood from ROB'S head flows in a stream towards GINA and pools around her feet.

----

I thought i heard 98.7F.m playing Guns n'Roses just now and i listened closely.

Indeed , it was the familiar voice of Axl Rose.

I wondered if it was a good or bad sign , a pop radio station playing Gun n' Roses.

----
Pasar malam
----

For the first time in years , Yan and I ventured into a pasar malam ( which means night market in malay , for all ye ignoramus ) and immediately i was swamped by memories.

If you were born anytime before 1987 , chances are , you would have been one of those who often looked forward to pasar malams and thought the prospect exciting when you were in primary school all the way until your lower secondary years.

Pasar malams back then were nothing like those today.

The Pasar Malams of yore were incredibly crowded , mostly with throngs of young Bengs and Lians with similar copper colored hair and blonde fringes spouting hokkien vulgarities with flourish rubbing shoulders with you.

When i was still a young Lian residing in Bedok Reservoir , my best friend cum neighbour would often call each other excitedly whenever we saw the first signs of a Pasar Malam , like the scaffolding-like metal being put up on the pavements.

"Fiona !! NTUC there goin to have Pasar Malam leh !!! Quite long also !! Wah lao shiok ah!!"

"Really meh !! Wah biang , hope have fun fair also !!"

We would then anticipate for the Pasar Malam to be set up for the next few days as usually it would start on a Friday , lasting all through the weekend.

Because it was all the rage back then to be seen wearing a Tasmania Devil tee shirt ( usually one size too small for the tight fitting look. Yes , even for guys ) with black denim bell bottoms and the pointed comb sticking up from the back pocket , we would all get our fashion staple from the Pasar Malam .

Yup , those 3 for $10 kind with the extremely lousy prints that would fade after two washes but of course being the young brainless Lians and Bengs that we were , we couldn't care less.

After paying for our togs which would be stuffed haphazardly into a cheap plastic bag , we would stroll happily along the Pasar malam , bobbing our heads to the latest techno hits with extremely annoying and meaningless lyrics like

1) Butterfly ( Ai yai yai i'm your little butterfly ! Green black and blue made with colours in the sky ! Er yai ee yar ee yai where's my samurai ?)

2) Sea of Love ( Don't you ever let me go don't you ever let it show i will die in the sea of love ! )

3) The Final Countdown ( Its the final countdown ! Teng teng teng teng teng teng teng x 100 )

4) Be my lover ( La la la di la la la dum Be my lover won't you be my lover !! )

And of course the ever famous one that you can never stop humming to

5) Blue ( I'm blue da ba dee da ba de be dee dee la la la wtf wtf wtf da bee da be da)

All these from the makeshift pirated CD stalls and we would all crowd around them , buying the latest techno compilation CD that actually has the same tracklist as the one next to it , only with a different cover . Ha. Stupid us.

Hungry from all the spending , we would finally indulge ourselves with food , usually one Taiwanese grilled sausage and a cup of bubble milk tea each.

Then we would walk all the way back to the start munching on the greasy stick of lard which has probably been re-grilled for like a million times.

I remember going to a Pasar Malam with my neighbour once when i was in Sec 1 , both of us wearing our secondary school blouse , a pair of extremely skimpy cotton shorts that made us look like prostitutes and.. get this.

PLATFORM SLIPPERS.

Ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It was bad enough to see the pre-pubescent young us pottering around looking half naked.

To see our gangly legs not unlike an ostrich's trying to balance themselves on 3 inch high foam platform slippers?

Obscene.

And to top it all up , we thought that we were damn chio and would pretend to be irritated whenever young Bengs "zoot" at us.

"Wah lao !!!so erxin still dare to zoot at us. Knn" ( "Yay finally someone zoot at us !" )

It makes me grimace even to think about it. But hey , at least we had fun back then.

So yup..

Fast forward to today.

Deserted Pasar malams with the occasional couple milling around .

A single pirated CD store providing the only source of music by churning out dated techno hits.

One-stop renovation stalls specialising in window grilles like wtf , who the hell will think "Oh sweetie , our window grill is falling apart. Lets go and find a Pasar malam shall we?"

10 imitation Ramly burger stalls.

100 fruit stalls , all selling durians. ( Lai lai lai ! Durians shan ge shi kuai !! Lai lai lai lai !! )

Where are the Pasar malam QC people !?

It was so unlike the Pasar malams of yesteryear , where the stalls only sold food , food , food , clothes , clothes, clothes and maybe mattresses.

Yan and I shook our heads and since she was also an Ah Lian back then , we cried and thumped our chests for the loss of our beloved Pasar malams.

By the way , my msn is screwed up.

Oh well , time to head out.. Good bye !! =)

-----
blogger's conference
---]

Blogger.SG , anyone ??

http://tomorrow.sg/archives/2005/07/11/bloggerssg_2005_-_frequently_ask.html

I might be going , but i'm not too sure.

All your favourite local bloggers like MrBrown and Xiaxue will be there.

Are YOU going ?

I used to pronouce "Suave" as "Swaif".

That coming from someone who used to pronouce "Iraq" as "Erect" and "Chijmes" as "Cheeg-mez" , not very surprising.

Until someone ever so kindly corrected me and told me that the right pronounciation's "Sua-vay" with a you-should-have-known-better look a few days ago.

I know , i suck at my pronounciation.

Heck , i suck at expressing myself verbally altogether.

Until i am sure that i am articulate enough to speak without anybody correcting my speech every few sentences , i shall shut up.

--
the last laugh
----

i writhe as i reminisce
about the pain you used to inflict
the palm prints on my cheeks
and what felt like rape ; rope burn on my wrists.

but yet
my toes curl in sheer pleasure
like a sign of an impending orgasm
as i think about how
i transferred all your money to my account
before you drank that
cyanide laced bourbon.

-------
nabeh , sibei smelly lah.
----

I've got a thing for cleanliness and this applies to my toilet as well , among the 1001 what-NOT-to-do list when you're at my place like making sure your feet is not sweaty before you step in because i get very irritated by footprints left by sweaty soles not only because it is an eyesore but because it takes alot of mopping to remove it.

Okay i digress.

I get very anal about toilets not being flushed and it irks me to see the deposits from your nether orifices.

Unfortunately , my dad is one hell of a stubborn mule and although thankfully he always remembers to flush after taking a dump , he always assumes that a single flush clears everything but no , sometimes the flush is so weak that little bits of brown flotsam can be seen swimming in the murky water.

Which is really disgusting of course.

Thats why you should never leave immediately after flushing after you have shat , just hang around for a moment to check whether everything has been flushed away and if not , be patient and wait for the w.c to fill up again and RE-FLUSH , you big shitter you.

And then my beloved father doesn't have a habit of flushing after peeing like most asians because they think its a waste of water to flush urine away ( why flush it now when you can wait for someone to shit and then flush it all away at one go ? Imagine the wad of yellowish soggy toilet paper lodged in the toilet bowl after the tenth person has pee-d without flushing. YUCK )

Worst of all , his pee smells like a tonne of day-old squid and the best part is visiting the loo in the morning because my dad pees alot in the night so you imagine stepping into a bathroom that smells a million times worse than a wet market , no thanks to the accumulation of a night's worth of my dad's pee in the toilet bowl.

Usually i would just close my eyes and flush the offending waste away but the stench always remains and its a harrowing experience to bath in the morning , breathing in the acrid fumes that linger.

If smell has a colour , then my bathroom would definitely be filled with brown gas ( just like bromine gas from the lab lessons way back in sec sch ) billowing from the toilet bowl like a chimmney. And visibility would be reduced to the tip of your nose.

I bet that the sulphur content in my dad's pee is so high that you can make rat poison out of it. Not that rat poison is made from sulphur of course. Its made from DDT. Whatever that is.

Anyway.

I have tried ways to curb my dad's disgusting tendency , from a gentle reminder of a post-it note stuck above the flush that says "FLUSH ME" to a more direct daughter to father confrontation " DAD YOUR PEE STINKS SO PLEASE FLUSH AFTER USING" to which he would just shrug and walk away , one of his trademark movements.

I don't know what the fuck causes the smelly urine but i swear to god it definitely smells much worse than the average .

It has gotten to me so bad that i cannot eat cuttlefish without thinking about my dad.

So please everyone , i beseech you.

Some money just cannot be saved la . Drop the old traditional thought that flushing pee away is a waste of money.

Meanwhile i'm thinking about installing an infra-red flush system in my bathroom since my dad is such an obstinate pig.

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listening to : telepopmusik - breath

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p.s : FUCK NK* . Why donate to a organisation that claims to be charitable when it is not as charitable as it makes itself out to be ? If you really have too much money to spare , why not donate it to Renci hospital , which also happens to the place i have been volunteering at since i was in sec 3 ? We don't have chrome plated taps , only rusty ones that creaks when you turn it.

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ah gong and ah ma
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I remember asking my grandfather this during his stay in hospital two weeks ago.

"How did Grandma looked like when you first married her ?"

I expected a curt reply like "Chey!" followed by a frown from him which was his usual reaction whenever i asked about such questions but i was fairly amazed that he did not . Instead , he appeared to be in deep thought and then a faint smile appeared

"Yi Duo Hua" ( A stalk of flower ) , he said and grinned toothily.

I was taken aback by his answer , that coming from someone who often calls my grandma "a demented old woman" behind her back.

It was the first time i had ever heard my grandpa describe his wife so lovingly and my tears welled up , maybe because i was still worried about the then-unknown blood test results and i wondered if my Grandma would ever knew that she was akin to a flower in his eyes.

Then my grandpa cut in

"But look at your grandma now ! Lao siao char bor ( Old crazy woman ) already"

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listening to - sigur ros : untitled #4

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Don't call your restaurent a steakhouse when your steak is like crap
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Shelly , Grace and I went for dinner @ Phin's Steakhouse due to my insistence because i was craving for steak and NYDC did not have that.

And oh , what a fucked up virgin experience @ Phin's !!

Ravenous and feeling extremely moody due to the hunger , the least we would want was fucked up sloth-slow service.

Firstly , the waiter who served us was obviously a newbie .

Being in the F&b line myself i can fully empathise on his nervousness and lack of menu knowledge but i cannot forgive how long it took for him to serve us the drinks we ordered , which came like 20 minutes later when the restaurent wasn't even half filled.

And did i mention how skillfull he was in dodging the glances i threw at him in the hope that i would get his prompt attention so that we could order our food ?!

He would acknowledge my presence by grabbing a pen and nodding his head but as soon as my head was turned he would disappear and emerge from somewhere later and conveniently forgetting about me.

We had to literally pull him by the sleeve for him to serve us.

Anyway.

30 minutes after we had ordered , our food was still nowhere in sight and by then we were already so famished that conversation started to wane except for Grace who was still chattering away happily. God knows where her energy came from.

Soon , Grace's fish 'N' chips arrived and she decided to wait for the rest so that we could eat together.

BAD BAD MISTAKE.

Who was to know that by the time our food was ready her fish n chips would have turned soggy already ?

45 minutes , lots of grumbling and peering into the kitchen later , my steak and Shelly's seafood basket had NOT arrived yet.

So whats the big deal , you ask.

The big deal is , the restaurent had only like 15 patrons out of the max of say , 50 seats.

And there were definitely enough staff for efficient service.

Feeling extremely irked , we asked why the hell our orders were taking so long and this harassed looking girl explained that "they're experiencing some problems with the staff and asks for our understanding"

Jolly well and good.

In the very first place from the very moment we stepped in we should have been informed that there would be a delay in our orders should we decide to dine in so that we would be able to decide on whether we would want to wait patiently if we were not that hungry or leave if we were.

Grrrrrrrrr.

So finally an hour later our food arrived.

Shelly's seafood basket looked sorry and lilluputian while the mushroom gravy on my steak looked lumpy and had nothing that looked like mushrooms in it , save for a few mushroom shaped lumps of gravy.

The steak was nothing to rave about either , being rather insipid in taste ( as with the mushroom-gravy-without-mushrooms ) but because i was just so bloody hungry , i wolfed it down in a matter of minutes.

And even though i specifically requested to change the baked potato that came with the steak to french fries TWICE , guess what.

Yep.. I still got a baked potato.

By then about 8 impatient diners had already left the restaurent before their food arrived.

Midway through my gobbling i noticed that there were a few policemen outside who was talking to the cook from Phin's and being the kaypohs that we were , demanded to know what was the exact reason that caused the delay.

The same harassed looking waitress said that a few gangsters had come to look for trouble with the cook earlier on and they had barged into the kitchen wanting to a pick a fight .

Okay fine , that soothed our anger quite a bit but still i am unable to excuse the lousy waiter and the appalling standard of food we got considering how long we had waited and besides the gangsters had only an empty threat and it wasn't like the cook got beaten up or something so i don't see why we should tolerate such nonsensical standards of food and service .

It was still pretty cheap thoughi could have gotten much better fare at the same price at V8 movies cafe in Bugis ( my absolute fav place for steak btw ) .

When our bill came , the waitress said rather triumphantly that she had given us a discount as a form of apology .

Wow , discount sia ! The three of us huddled over the bill to check out the discount given.

Shelly laughed and exclaimed sarcastically

"Yah , discount alright.. 99 cents !!"

Yep , the discount was a dismal 99 cents. Very very disappointing. I was hoping that at least they would throw in my steak for free because i had waited one fucking hour for that mere slab of bland meat !

A sign of goodwill nevertheless but come on , 99 cents like is a mere 1% out of a total of $40.

At my cafe should anything cock up we would throw in a muffin or give a 10% discount off the total bill.

Please , have a heart and spread the word.

DO NOT PATRONISE PHIN'S STEAKHOUSE.

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On a more serious note, i had been feeling very very very very down for the past week and i don't know why.

My mood dipped to an all time low when for two days NOBODY called nor messaged me. Yes i know i'm just making a big fuss but for someone who is used to waking up with a couple of missed calls every morning , it is very upsetting.

Everyone seems to be so busy now that school has reopened.

I feel ignored..

And no , i am no longer dating the Ah Beng because i have decided that really , we're not suitable for each other , both in terms lifestyle and character.

In a nutshell.. No chemistry.

I feel very depressed also because i have lost two good friends of mine , namely the NUS guy i've mentioned earlier and one of P's filming crew mates from SP whom i went out with once.

After gently rejecting the both of them they just refused to contact me despite me throwing away my pride and asking them out just to make sure that our friendship is still intact.

Bahh.

So now i am dateless , jobless and failing my exams.

Yep.. its definitely as good as it gets.

Oh , i've just resigned from my job lah.. More of that next time.

Feeling so bloody down again.

Hope the blues would go away soon because i keep catching myself leaning against some random pillar suddenly while walking and staring at the surroundings for a few minutes without a reason.

Like as if i'm suffering from a mild case of narcolepsy.

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listening to : staind - its been awhile

I can't believe the Ah Beng kena DB for 49 days !

He didn't even fill me in on anything and just told me that he was going only this morning when i still asleep and when i tried calling him when i woke up, his phone was already turned off.

Oh my god.

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rest
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Ah , Sunday.

Finally i have the day all to myself ( actually not really since i at was work until 3 after which i headed to this ulu ulu office space where i looked at P and his rowdy crew do editing )

Armed with an arsenal of assorted Lay's chips and salsa dip , i shall sink deep into my couch and watch the awesome films i've just got on DVD , namely

1) Silence of the Lambs ( i just had to get this ever since i read the screenplay at the Esplanade library. Bloody compelling plot ! )

2) Red Dragon ( the prequel to Silence . )

3) Rebel without a cause ( James Dean leh ! )

and lastly ..

4) Ben Hur ( like wtf right . I absolutely hate sitting through epic movies like LOTR because they bore me but since this is such a well-loved classic i wanted to find out what is it that is so appealing. probably not gonna watch it today though )

Also , i've been looking for these two titles for the longest time

- Tora tora tora ( yet another movie about the attack on Pearl Harbour but told from an entirely different perceptive )

- The Land before Time ( i practically grew up watching this as a kid and destroying the peace with my rendition of Diana Ross' If we hold on together )

If you have any idea where i could get my hands on them , kindly inform me and i shall reward you handsomely =D

One last thing before i end this boring post ..

I'm putting clubbing on hold for at least 3 weeks because..Too much of a bad thing is still a bad thing :p

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listening to : sigur ros - staralfur ( cheem lah i hope i got the spelling right but this is really nice )

I don't know why the hell i succumbed to persuasion and went to Zouk .

There was this disgusting guy in a tight singlet who kept wanting to grind us on the dancefloor.

And then i missed someone so terribly.

And worst of all my bottle of tequila got confiscated at the door .

Fucking bouncers.