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a wedding **** UPDATED*****
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Attended some distant cousin's wedding dinner just now at some elusive seafood restaurent and i couldn't help but go .. "I'll be damned if my wedding dinner was anywhere close to this !"

First of all , this wedding dinner is as traditional as a cotton embroidered hankerchief my grandmother uses.

Think big "Double Happiness" cut-outs , a massive plastic wedding cake that's probably collecting dust on the upper tiers thats out of sight , artificial flowers in baskets on equally artificial marble columns lining the red-carpeted "isle" and chrysanthemum ( wtf ?! ) corsages in the breast pockets of the groom and his immediate male relatives.

Did i mention the music ?

How very horrid.

Of course , no wedding is complete without K-Ci and Jojo crooning "All my life.. I dream of someone like you.."

Bla bla bla.

Truth be told , i will definitely have none of that sappy shit played during MINE.

I think it'll make a more lasting impression should i walk down the aisle accompanied by Marilyn Manson going

"Sweet dreams are made of these .. I wanna use and abuse you .. I wanna know whats going on inside you..."

I was totally aghast when the lights suddenly dimmed and i got aurally assaulted when they started playing some sort of old-school techno junk and the banquet waitresses came out from somewhere holding the first dish which had a tea-light on it and basically they just walked around the entire restaurent in a poorly choreographed manner and even went up the stage parading the dishes as if it was some sort of trophy which made my cousin and I laugh out so loud we had to be hushed.

The waitresses not even sweet young things lor , as you would expect them to be at hotels ( if you havent noticed those banquet wait staff at hotels are usually teenagers like me ) . They were old , cranky , stiff and their makeup were as thick as pancakes. Hehehhe.

It was a pain to see the newlyweds go through the traditional procedures of toasting the audiences and being made to do a dare on stage by their friends and surprise surprise , they were made to kiss and that was about it.

LIKE HELLO!?!

That is so tame and boring. A dare is called a dare because you would have to be daring to complete it , and who the hell doesn't dare to kiss his bride ?

The last wedding i attended was Lindsay's and we made the groom fish out a strawberry from her cleavage with his mouth and chin and a lap dance which wasn't really properly executed because of her super fluffy gown but hey this is so much more exciting than a mundane kiss , no ?

The food was so-so , nothing to shout about . I am so lookin forward to another cousin's wedding this sunday to be held at Four Seasons hotel.

Hopefully , no more corny songs nor wilted banquet waitresses.

Headed out with T for supper which was Tau Huay at this place at Circuit road but being the undiscerning Tau Huay fan i couldn't tell what was so special about it that had him waxing lyrical over it.

Drove to Geylang after that and for the first time in my entire life i actually walked into the back alleys where all the action's supposed to take place and it was indeed quite a revelation to see the scores of young women lurking about everywhere and i swear to god they looked like they lusted after T and would probably drag him into the bushes to rape him or offer their services to him at a "special price just for you , hen-sum !" if i wasn't beside him cus' i guess he's like a rare delicacy among the ugly old and tiko men they are so used to seeing .

I was surprised to see all sorts of women there , both the naturals and the non-naturals ( c'mon , you know what i mean )

But they all had one thing in common :

BOOBS.

Really big ones with abyss-like cleavages that made me feel... Inadequate.

Women from every walks of life catering to different men , the older ones ( for the poorer men since the rate for the has-beens are much cheaper cus' they're less attractive and their down there is err .. loose ? :p) , the malay ones ( for the Mats ) , the china and vietnamese ones ( for the potential wife-seekers. LOL. ) and there were even indian ladies all wrapped up in their saris !

I wanted so badly to pop into a brothel to check out the "Fish tanks" which T vividly described but i guess i would be less than welcome in there so i skipped it.

"Fish tanks" are , for the uninitiated , are places where the women stand behind glass panels as if they were on display and the men can take their time to scrutinise them before choosing. Apparently those from "Fish Tanks" are much "cleaner" since they are so-called legalised and they go for regular checkups for VDs .. information ever so kindly provided by T who sounds like a resident expert :p

Do you know the line which is popular among the China ladies when trying to hook up the lusty old men ?

I do .

"Xian Shen .. Yao chi mah ??" ( In a girlish voice with a cheena twang to it of course )

It literally translates to "Sir .. Do you want to eat me ?"

LOL.

I saw this hot china chick approaching one perturbed looking man and she went ..

"Xian Shen .. Lai mah.. Lai chi ah.." ( Mister .. Come come .. Come and eat ! ) while refusing to loosen her grip on him even though it was obvious that he wasn't interested.

Aiyo .

As we walked through the back alleys , i felt like i was being stripped mentally and it didn't help that i was in my usual getup of camisole and jeans which wasn't .. er , very conservative i guess.

I felt so vulnerable when T had to visit the loo and i was left alone for a few minutes feeling very very afraid that i would get approached by the tiko old men with the classic question of "Xiao Jie , Duo shao qian ?" ( translation : Miss , how much ? )

Luckily it didnt happen.

I saw women sitting on the laps of men as they guzzled down frosty mugs of beer and i even saw one guy blatantly reach under the skirt of a Thai girl under the bright lights at a kopitiam.

As my grandmother would put it in cantonese

"Mong An Tai Ah !" ( translation : No eyes to see ah ! )

I saw couples going into the darker areas of the alleys hand in hand and managed to catch a glimpse of couples leaning against the walls , hot in action. Heh.

I deduced these are the ones who cannot afford to pay for a romp in the hotel and they have to make do with wherever is more convenient eh ?

In a nutshell , it has been an eye-opening excursion for me and my heart went out to the ladies whose dignities has been compromised for money.

And yea , i have new ideas for my scriptwriting project !! woohooooo.

Had a long chat with T in the car and i told him i didn't agree that sex is essential in a relationship , to which of course he opposed to vehemently saying that when you're in love , u will just want to do it .

And besides , "What do you know anyway , Miss Virgin ?" ( yes , thats what T said )

LOL.

Eh , being a virgin doesn't mean i am ill-informed okay !

I just feel that , i have read about couples who remain chaste all their lifes due to religious or personal reasons and if they can do it , why not others ?

But maybe , just maybe , my mentality would change when i meet that Someone.

:D