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an unfortunate turn of events
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Life dealt me an unfair blow this morning.

My grandpa , whom i am quite attached to , was diagnosed with a probable case of cancer after a routine check-up.

Nothing is confirmed yet though at this point of time , though the signs point towards an unwanted outcome.

I was disgusted with myself for my lack of emotions . The first thought that came to my mind was "Shit , now what's gonna happen to my trip to LA ?"

What the fuck. I fucking hate myself.

I don't know what caused my sudden indifference , maybe because i've already unconsciously prepared myself for the worst after my grandpa's recent spate of ill health.

Maybe because i was really THAT looking forward to my LA trip . I need to get away from it all so badly that going overseas was a welcome respite.

As for why "i needed to get away from it all" , i myself cannot put a finger to my sudden detachment.

I feel so stifled here . I hate it that my life has settled into a sort of routine.

I long to go away and be free from being beholden. To my family , my job and my studies.

Even if its only for one paltry month.

I need to find new perspectives , to find a new direction and a purpose in life.

I want my life to be more than just working , studying and partying. Its so inane.

I don' know how a single short trip would change everything , but i have a feeling it will.

I long to meet up with my friends in LA , and forget that i actually belong somewhere else.

I hate how i drag myself to my grandparents' almost everyday. Sure , i love seeing and spending time with them , but now it has sadly become a case of appearing just to make them happy instead of the visits gratifying both parties.To put it in a simpler term , i am probably filial because i just want to make them happy , and not because i want it.

To make things worse , i have been thinking , what if my grandparents had passed away before i was even born ?

I'd have no commitments to my family at all .

Or what if i've never been close to them ? That way , no amount of ill-health would have bothered me and caused me such worry and great pain.

I'm such a selfish asshole.

I prayed to an unknown God earlier on. I prayed that if he would let my grandpa's cancer screening pass with benign results , i would give myself two deep cuts on each arm as a token of appreciation .

But i would not go as far as sacrificing my life for anyone's because i am a selfish piece of shit.

And now i am late for work. Ok bye.