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the door bitch speaks
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if i had my own club, not only it'll be a fantastic club spinning my style of music ( an eclectic mix of everything i like from tiesto to the postal service to old school techno ala solid base ! ) , and a ladies-only room so that they can party to their hearts content without getting preyed upon by leery desperados or worrying about letting loose and risk looking wild in front of the hunks.

and.. get this ! there will NO alchohol served at MY club. instead, there will be "bong" stations located everywhere and for five dollars a pop you get to inhale the sweet sweet smoke for two minutes, which is equivalant to about two shots of tequila AND i don't have to hire bartenders/dishwashers. hahahhaa. novel hor !!

and of course i'll do sentry duty and trust me i'll be a really menacing door bitch with all sorts of rules.

1) NO HIGH HEELS - seriously i'll be shooting myself in the foot by imposing this because i'm guilty of wearing heels to party sometimes but only to go home limping and cursing my choice of footwear. apart from the self-inflicted high heel syndrome, please spare a thought from your fellow party people with their exposed vulnerable feet. female clubbers esepcially because most, like me, prefer wearing comfy open-toed flats and believe me when i say the moment when heel-meets-flesh, your heart skips a beat for a moment before you bend over clutching your feet breathlessly in pain. stilettos are the worst. i've had the misfortune of getting stepped on just below my small toe and it ruptured one of my veins causing a bruise the size of australia.

2) NO UGLY DRESS SENSE - strictly NO sports shoes ( i have a friend who enjoys wearing her disgusting breadloaf sized running shoes WITH mini skirts. fucking gross ) . men with more than two buttons undone on their shirts will be denied entry immediately, and if they have chest hair they will be permanently banned. girls who enjoy looking like whores ( bandeau tube top with mini skirt AND knee length boots. oh , the horror ! ) or take the meaning of kitsch to a whole new level will also be politely declined. i like kitsch but honestly, bright orange floral tops matched with tattered baby blue gauchos ???

3) NO OBVIOUS SPGS - i'm sorry to stereotype but if you have long rebonded hair, wear skimpy ( and usually all black ) oufits , carry an imitation LV clutch and potter around in clunky platform shoes then you're an SPG. a low-class SPG no less, one who hangs around Wala wala in hope of nabbing some balding pot-bellied redneck. go away, there ain't no such men in my club.

4) NO FAKE ACCENTS - all patrons will have to undergo a short speech test and required to say "oh hello john nice weather we're having , no ?". if i feel that you're trying too hard ( that the veins pop out in your forehead and neck from the sheer strain ) and that you remind me of CNA journalists, then you're out. bye !

5) NO SUSPICIOUS LOOKING MEN - i can tell from your unwavering lifeless stare and tongue constantly hanging on your lower lip that there is only one thing on your agenda. you will also probably have a horrid combover and wear cheap leather shoes.

and thats all for now !!