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mind over matter
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today, for the first time in my entire life, i walked into a church on my way home. there wasn't any particular reason why i did it. i didn't feel like praying nor did a vision suddenly converted me. i just felt compelled to, a strange force beckoning me to go beyond those fresco windows.

i sat down. no there wasn't sense of enlightenment, but it felt good sitting alone in the pew and having a conversation with myself. more of an atheist than a believer, i felt guilty for turning to religion only when i needed a pillar to lean onto. i didn't actually turn to religion but it was more like a i just need someone to listen to me moment. it didn't matter if god existed. i did however, stared at the familiar body hanging off the crucifix and thought about life and how i would definitely be hurled into the eternal burning pit when i die, should hell really exist.

i walked out feeling slightly unburdened, the tears that were stinging my eyes previously were gone. someone once said that there is a limit to physical pain and suffering and once you have reached that point you'll find freedom. there is some truth to it after all. even though the process of earlobe piercing is a minor and relatively painless one, the phobia i have of it is one nobody would ever understand. thrice i had pierced them only to end up with infections days later. i have come to associate the piercing gun as a form of evil. but now that i have overcome my fear, i am overwhelmed by this sudden urge to explore, to find out the breaking point of my pain threshold. pain is transient, even more so with today's smorgasbord of drugs such as morphine. but fear cripples the soul. i don't know how some people can live with the mantra of "ignorance is bliss" when they fret themselves to near-death existence wondering if they were inflicted with some horrible disease when they haven't, just because they'd rather not know because they are too afraid to.