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la vie en rose
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okay, for the last fucking time, i am going to put the toxic 'relationship' with mark into a shredder machine. the shit that i've heard, especially in the past few days, is just an confirmation that he is indeed, nothing more than a player whose girlie conquests are just notches in his bedpost.
what embarrasses me so much is how i have viewed matters from rose-tinted glasses, that somehow, he'll fall for me someday and we'll have brunette kids with mark's eyes, my nose and complexion. and our height.
i was so desperate to see him that on several occasions i had to entice him with promises of a romp in bed just so he would see me. laughable, really, considering that i've always sniggered at girls who go to such pathetic lengths for someone who probably don't give two hoots.
p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. yes, you may use that to describe me.
ladies, you should NEVER be pressured into using sex to get someone. even if you're really that into him. because in the end, not only he will ( yes, WILL ) not fall for you, but you'll be disgusted that you actually resorted to such unorthodox methods.
but then again, it is easier said than done. now than 06 is coming to an end, i look back and i feel nothing but regret, remorse and an overall "i could have done so much better" feeling. it has been a really negatively eventful year and i can't wait for 07 to arrive, to mark my first step into adulthood and hopefully, to learn from the mistakes 06 has taught me.
i'm also embarrassed to admit, for the first time, that i've weaved in and out of depression for the whole of this year, which probably started when my grandpa passed away. it got worse when i started dating mark in june, and the periods of depression were so bleak that the only avenue of release was to inflict pain on myself, which came in the form of a blade. utterly childish, but the pain was secondary to the helpless anguish that i felt. many times, i've broken into quick strides just to get home so i can feel the tug of the blade again my arm.
it was sweet release, exhilirating even. i know there has been much flak for the growing number of self-mutilators but it's something that outsiders will never understand. it's not a cry for attention for most, but more like a form of prozac, albeit a physical one, to those in need.
the scars remain,but they are getting lighter.
i have since stopped though. i am really determined to push him out of my head this time round. meanwhile he is dating someone i know. who happens to be one of the filthiest and most disgusting ( who has had over 30 sex partners. she is only 18 ) person i know. who has bad breath and dirty plague-covered teeth and the fashion sense of a skank. and ezcema. ha. well mark, i hope you find love with her and may you two die from trasmitting STDs to each other.
so today i celebrated the first day of my new life. with retail therapy of course. i don't want to know how much i have spent, but knowing that a new wardrobe will definitely give me that confidence to strut my bag of bones is enough. a haircut tomorrow too, gosh i really need that. been so busy that my tresses have been untouched for three months. 3 months!! no wonder my hair has been really disobedient.
meanwhile i will give my all to work. i will try my best to mingle at events and stuff myself with all the finger-food available. and champagne, yes.
it is 7.14pm on a saturday and i am in the office by the way.
be happy for me everyone. i have finally stepped out of the shadows
p.s : FUCK YOU bitch. i am looking forward to day when i can peer down at you from my 3 inch high heels while YOU serve canapes me to me in your WAITRESSING uniform. i have never felt so much contempt against a person before in my life, and you deserve it, whore. you are the girl who should never have any friends, because all that you do, you'll just end up seducing the boyfriend of your good friends and then fucking them, like what you have done to not one, not two but several of us.
