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sex sells
--

Of course it does. Ever since Man learnt how to copulate and the pleasures that comes with it , sex has always been used as a powerful tool for many reasons ; 99% of it being wrong.

Anyway.

Sex sells when you're trying to promote a song as nonsensical as Janet Jackson's "All night".

I've never been a fan of any of the Jackson family member so i might be biased.

But.

Janet's vocals leaves much to be desired. Or rather , in most of her songs , she sounds like she is either breathing or whispering.

For this particular song , breathing and moaning.

Which is absolutely gross ! For christ's sake sing like you have a throat .

"Work it like you're working a pole
Shake it 'til you're shaking the floor
Pop it like you're poppin' a cork
Don't Stop, Don't Stop
Jerk it like you're making it choke
Break it like you're breakin' a code
Drop it till you're taking it lower"

Not surprisingly the lyrics are equally nauseating.

Download ( I'd say , download it from Kazaa ! Why buy her album?! ) and hear it for yourself. I knew i had to bitch about this song the first time i heard it on radio. The only thing i could make out from her extremely inaudible syllabuses were the words "it" and "like'.

Breast baring will not get you any further ! You're probably gonna have to go down on Justin timberlake on stage live in front of america to arouse the slightest attention in me .

Then again who the hell wants to watch an orang utan going down on a curly haired monkey ?

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FIONA , THE RESIDENT GOURMET
---

Alrite. Today i had my fair share of life's opulent idulgences. Actually opulent would be too mild a word to describe what i had today... A phrase like "Opulent , lavish , gastronomic and a downright waste of money" would be a more appropiate description.

Actually it wasnt a waste of money , considerin the sumptuous fare we had.

Firstly , i met up with Jerel at Orchard mrt where he said he had a surprise for me. Surprise my foot !

We walked around town area for abt half an hr looking for the place where the so called 'surprise' was to be found , to no avail so hailed a cab.

To a place called Maison de Fontaine .

Okay , i was rather impressed by that colonial looking place and thats when Jerel let the cat outta the bag , that he had planned lunch at this place.

Thats Jerel for you , his idea of a 'surprise' is rather appalling.

Anyway , his efforts appreciated. Not gonna bore ya with details of that lunch date :) . Went to my grandma's place after that.

i went to orchard again to meet Han , where we had dinner at NYDC cafe. I ordered a slice of Booboo , which was PURE HEAVEN. Melt in your mouth chocolate mousse that was SINFULLY RICH AND CHOCOLATEY. Damn !! I could eat that everyday and not get sick of it.

A blackout affecting almost the entire island occured when i was on a bus on my way home from town and i was totally emabarrsed by the passengers who behaved like a gaggle of geese , pressing their oily faces against the windows whenever we passed through places lit up only by the soft glow of the affected residents' candles , and all the loud Oohs and Ahhhs from them made me feel like i'm in some kinda exhibition with the scene outside as its exhibits. It felt rather surreal and i was reminded of the game , Silent Hill , and i can tell you that the deja vu was not a pleasant one since Silent Hill scared the shit out of me . Thanks to Melvin for that silent hill experience.

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Irrelevant post of the day
--

Question : Scrunch or fold it ?

For all ye ignoramus , i am referrin to the unsung hero , the toilet paper of course !

Personally , i'm a scruncher.

I can never understand why people fold their toilet paper so neatly just so they can swipe it up their asses. Besides , after having tried using a folded pad of toilet paper , i declared the scrunchie the undisputed winner.

Why ?

It seems to me that the crap does not hang onto the paper as well as it does on the scrunchie , thus giving the user a slimey feeling of shit sliding up your ass. Serious.

In theory , the best scenario to describe it would be why an alloy is stronger than pure metals.

Because of the difference in sizes of the particles , it would be harder for the particles to slide across each other hence rendering it more strong than pure metals .

Of course i'm just tryin to show off my chemistry prowess.

Anyway.

You get the idea. When you scrunch paper , there are many more nooks and crannies for the shit to be kept comfortably out of sight ( and touch ) of , whereas the smoothness of the folded paper ensures otherwise.

C'mon , embarrased ? Don't be ! After all it is human to shit .

So what do you , the discriminating toilet paper user think ?

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freeze frame
--

Another pic of me and kaze at the beach. Yes , i'm the one in the glasses if you still haven't realised that i do wear 'em. I like my specs , so don't even think of trying to get me to wear contacts.

--

Im wondering why my eyelashes turned out looking so ... weird.

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Irrelevant post of the day
---

Yay. Im so tired after spending the past few days playing hard. very hard.

Click for for an earth-shattering orgasm ! ( Link found @ xiaxue's blog )

I miss stinkypo0 so much ! :(

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Freeze frames---


Went to East coast yesterday with Han and Kaze .. Had really great fun !!

From left : kaze , me , Han

Me and Kaze ! Kaze looking totally rad for her role of a drug addict. LOL .. A successful attempt to potray the nasty side of us ! yes ,those are french fries , you ignoramus.

OKay , for the record , Kaze and I did lock lips for the photos but it was only because the pics didnt turn out realistic when we pretended to.. so YEAH WE KISSED FOR THE CAMERA! We drew the line at frenching , though Kaze daringly suggested it. Ooh. Kinky.

Urm. A treat for people with a fetish for feet ? Mine's the one with the anklet.. Don't you just love the pretty plum shade on my nails? Its a tad off-colour in this photo but ah well. Blame it on the poor lighting :P

OKay.. there are loads more pics but im lazy to upload them. HA!

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PET PEEVE ALERT!
---

There's been one song that has been gettin quite a bit of airplay recently , much to my dismay. BECAUSE THAT SONG PISSES ME TO NO END.

Its Wayne Wonder's ( who the hell is he anyway ) "Hold me now"

I cant even identify what stupid genre it falls into. It sounds kinda 'Hawaiian" ( Thus explaining its existence on 50 first dates' OST ) but the beat is that of R&B and i thought i heard a faint rapping in there somewhere.

**UPDATE**

Here's an excerpt i found from some website

"50 First Dates leads off with Wayne Wonder’s cover of the Thompson Twins’ “Hold Me Now”, which is also the first single to be released. I admit that I was skeptical at first, but Wonder’s unique voice, the beautiful melody and just a splash of reggae all come together to set the standard for this album"

Holy Cha Kway Tiao

I beg to differ.





Anyway.

The song is kind of draggy and if you're feeling tired and starving while swaying to and fro in a smelly public bus and this song comes on , you'll feel like throwing your radio receiver against any solid surface. Trust me. Try it.

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Terrible , terrible
---

I holed myself up at home the whole damn day today , doing nothing but resting on the couch with a hot water bottle pressed to my tummy while reading and re-reading today's newspapers .

Yes indeed , i am experiencing what guys will never understand. The pain that comes with the first spills of blood that bursts forth every month.

THE STOMACH CRAMPS.

I don't get that bloaty tummy nor the mood swings that comes with it though , but i would love to trade both of them with stomach cramps that is usually accompanied with the runs.

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An uneventful week. Again.
----

Well , at least not on Mon when i went out with Jerel to watch a movie , which i highly recommend ..

"The Japanese Story"

Its M18 so if you're not 18 yet... TOO BAD !!

Anyway.

He's a really nice guy. Actually i had planned to do a really long post on this very memorable date but i guess not !!!

Oh , one thing.

I've totally embarrassed myself in front of him though he stressed that he didnt mind !

One one occasion , we had a quickie lunch at Pastamania for we were runnin late for our movie and i hastily ordered some kind of crayfish seafood penne and it looked rather good when it arrived and i attacked the crayfish head on with much gusto....

Only to find that there was only a pathetic sliver of meat in that stupid shell !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well i had to eat that tiny piece fraction by fraction and when i finished it i wanted more so i decided to put my primal instincts to gd use, poking thru the shell with my fork and knife to forage for more ( was dying to pry open the shell with my fingers but that'll make me look like a savage )

Bad move.

With my fork and knife i tried to seperate the entire shell when suddenly i exerted too much force on my fork and the damned crayfish flew out of my plate and out of the restaurent ( we were sitting by the exit )!!!!

I stared dumbly at Jerel who was laughing so hard that his cheeks were so flushed. I didnt know what to do , faced with only two choices

One : Save myself from dying of embarrasement by doing the wrong thing, which is pretending that nothing happened and leave the crayfish as it is on the floor

Or

Two : Stand up , walk , and pick it up with dignity.

Well i chose number two after one minute's worth of contemplation but before i could even stand up Jerel was already on his feet with a tissue in his hand.

And he picked up the damned crayfish before disposing it in the bin.

I was filled with so much admiration for his sweet considerate gesture that i almost wanted to salute him and plant a big wet one on him left right up down

Guys , word of advice. Its not just the opening of doors and opening of car doors that makes a gentleman. There is just SO MUCH MORE !

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An attempt at looking all girlish and pinkish.

Okok.

I know !

It has been some time since the last QUALITY post. Will dedicate the entire morning to blog later. I need a snooze now. Its about 4am now. Good night !

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irrelevant post of the day
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I've developed a seriously bad habit during this study break . Its amazing how i wake up no matter how fatigued i am just to satisfy my ever hungry stomach.

What is worrying me is not the flab i will definitely put on , but the effect it will have on my health. As a matter of fact i haven't been exercising for months on end and the only activity i do is work , which is hmm ... Equivalent to half an hour of light aerobics a day ?

This is lame. Fancy blogging about such a mudane topic.

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irrelevant post of the day
---

Its been almost a month since my last good read , which was my second helping of Arthur Golden's 'Memoirs of a geisha'. A damned good book , if you ask me.

Yeah , i'm guilty of a funny habit of re-reading books.. i must have read Laura Ingalls Wilder's little house series at least six times.

At this unearthly hour of 5am , what more can one do except read ?

I've recently picked up a random book ( its as random as it gets.. I ran my fingers over a shelf and pulled it out with my eyes closed) from a second hand bookstore for a steal of 5 bucks. A bit tattered and torn maybe , but otherwise in good condition.

The book turned out to be Jeffery Archer's 'As the crow flies' ( if im not wrong it means the shortest distance taken to travel between two points )and i must say i wasnt very impressed by the somewhat corny sounding title though the author's name did ring a bell.

Anyway.


I'm almost almost halfway thru this book and yes i'm rather captivated by it , not bad for someone who detests reading lengthy novels that seem to go on forever like this one.

At least there's no pictures of swashbuckling men with dainty women in hot corsets for its cover and with names liek Gabrielle or Raphael for its characters ( think nora roberts )

****warning : explicit picture in this post***
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i want my life back
---

Well here i am with my entry after almost a week , working for five days non stop has left me completely demolished and the hours in between each new working day has only one function - to stock up on what i'm deprieved of most right now. No no , not sex. SLEEP. I cannot wait for July 12 , thats when my new school term commences.

Nothing vaguely interesting happened for the past few days for me to be blogging about.

Oh.

Somebody sent me an email regarding asymmetrical boobs .

Thats not really something to alarmed about , i guess it'll probably cause an inferiority complex (also known as burn-the-bikini-syndrome) to those with asymmetrical boobs .

After discovering that only a very minor female population has boobs of the same size i went to look at my own mammaries after receiving the email and i was fairly surprised to find that out indeed my left boob is very slightly bigger than my right. I must be out of my mind. Girls , use the time to check for lumps instead.

--
Ouch.
--

A brazilian wax ? Anyone ?

-----
Wank.Self-touching.Whatever
---

I find myself being utterly embarrased when i'm supposed to utter supposedly taboo words like sex , dicks , petting , vaginas and especially masturbation. So much to the extent that i would try to avoid it by either

1) Rolling my eyes and pretending to look exasperated

Example -

Jane : Oh my god.. And what else did they dared to do at the chalet ?

Fiona : You know ! THAT THING !! It was that shocking ! Oh , the sheer audacity!

Jane : HUh ? What is THAT THING !?

Fiona : *rolls eyes* THAT !

Jane : What ? I don't get it !

Fiona : *constipated look* THAT ONE LAH !

Jane : *thinks* Oh.

So yeah , it takes much telepathy to understand using this method so i'm usually using

2) Clever replacement with less offensive and vulgar sounding words

Example -

Jane : Really ? So did you saw them doing THAT?

Fiona : Yeah ! They were copulating right there in the loo !

Anyway you get the idea.

I'm trying to overcome my fear of such words. Right now.

MASTURBATION

SEX

VAGINA

MASTURBATION

SEX

VAGINA

MASTURBATION

SEX

VAGINA

MASTURBATION

SEX

VAGINA

MASTURBATION

SEX

VAGINA

Will anybody be so nice as to give me more creative words for masturbation? I'm tired of the word wanking.

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I AM SO EMBARRASSED
---

Okay this is like not related to my previous post but i have the urge to blab now so here goes.

After Mel's bday celeration at the karaoke and movie , it was already like 3 in the morning and we were just standing behind this bus stop waiting for Cabson and Vanness who went to play Billiard when i noticed this blue Honda motorbike behind me and i asked

"Is this Cabson's bike?"

Everyone muttered yeah and and been someone who has never rode on a bike before i wanted to get the hang of how it felt to be on one so i got Jeric to hold my bag while i clambered onto the rather big bike gingerly and i felt quite suave for a few seconds when Huijie suddenly said

"Hey.. think we better make a move first ..those guys over at that side seem to be looking at us. Lets scoot before trouble happens"

I got off the bike and looked and indeed they were looking at us. Jeric laughed and said

"DOn't be so sensitive lah .. They're probably looking at Fiona because she's so pretty!" ( yes he actually said that. )

To this Huijie chewed his cud for a moment and shrugged it off.

"Yeah maybe."

After that we sat at the bus stop waiting for the two billiard players when i saw a guy with a helmet tucked under his arm ...

.....And to my absolute horror he went towards the blue HOnda bike and RODE IT OFF.

THAT WASNT CABSON'S BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It dawned upon us that the group of guys must be staring because they must be thinking

"what the fark is this girl doing to my friend's bike?"

I was soooooooo ashamed i wished the ground would open up and swallow me.

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Cinema etiquette

---

Okay.

I was so bored while at work just now i took an impressive 10 minutes to finish this entry on a piece of paper napkin.

How bored ?

To the extend that i'm doin what i usually not do , which is give a detailed account of my day.

So , yesterday was Melvin's birthday and we all celebrated it by going to the movies. Shrek 2 was our initial choice but damnnnn , we were too late for it so we decided to catch 'Day after tomorrow' instead , much to my chagrin as you all know i am rather skeptical towards made-in-hollywood movies because of the lack of a good plot and the overuse of computer effects and whatnots .

But i was suprisingly entertained by this particular show , the CG effects blew me off my seat even though the plot was wafer-thin and boy did they really alter science into something so bizarre and implausible that i bet even my 5 year old cousin would cringe at.

I mean , what the hell. There was one scene where some helicopters took the plunge because the fuels froze due to extremely rapid declining temperatures of minus 10 degrees per second.

Ahhh. Pop science at its best , definitely.

I've never been a observer of climatology or weatherology or whatever you call that but rest assured that i have my basic facts down pat.

This was really too unbelievable. An ice age happening within the timeframe of a few weeks ?! Bullshitte.

Okay , enough of my gripes about the film.

Speaking of gripes , i swore to myself after yesterday that i will NEVER agree to watch a movie with Edwin and Huijie. Period.

During the entire 2 hours of the movie , those two morons were irritating the shitte out of me ( and the rest too , as i were to find out later ) by committing 3 deadly sins in the cinema.

1) Prolonged usage of handphones. I don't care if you're just using it to SMS , a few minutes of light-time is fine by all means but not if you whip out your bloody phone every few minutes to SMS. The light is so friggin distracting.

2) CHATTING .

3) Incessant comments. Fuck it , they were being such big imbeciles ! I couldnt believe my ears when the two hairy baboons started chanting 'Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss !' very loudy when there was a kissing scene. OH MY GOD. That wasnt all , i was hearing all sort of comments like :

"Hahahaha ! THIS IS REALLY THE LAST MAN STANDING! NONO , LAST WOMAN STANDING MORE LIKELY ! HAHAHA " ( When the cameras depicted a very frozen New York with not a soul around and the statue of liberty was very prominent )

"Hey look Singapore is so lucky to have escaped the Ice age because we are in the northern half of the earth !" ( when there was a map showing the areas affected by the Ice Age . I rest my case for this )

So you get the idea. To top it all off , they starting throwing popcorns but mercifully they stopped after a while. You know , i wanted so bad to scream at them but i couldnt bring myself to do so , not wishing to create a scene and knowing very well they will retaliate by saying "Why are you being so sensitive ?" , so damn hostile don't you think ?

Alrite , end of part 1. Part 2 comin up.

after working for the past one week i have been soooooooooo tired that i feel like sleeping my day off today. Shall update this when i'm feeling a tad more clear headed. Till then folks , tata.

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irrelevant post of the day
----

I tried to slide down the railings into my living room just now and not surprising i fell off and tumbled down the stairs into a crumpled bruised heap , giving my maid the shock of her life.

At least i only had two bruises on my elbows and a very bruised ego.

Anyway.

I feel like going bra-less today ,inspired by a caucasian customer i served yesterday.

She wasn't wearing one ( my goodness , she was wearing a very sheer white camisole ) and here's a question i would love to ask her

"Are you smuggling raisins ?"

Ha ha. Go figure !

So as i was saying , she ordered a regular Machiatto and she was about to pay for her drink when out of nowhere ( okay , from behind her ) this horny looking guy stretched his hand out , pushing a American Express into my face saying

"Nono , let me pay for you"

The raisin-smuggling lady was shocked and she made a poor attempt at reluctance and after a minor brawl that sort of went

"No please , i can pay for myself"

"No its okay , let me"

"Nono , its alright !"

"Come on , its my pleasure to do so"

"Oh , alright then."

She got the free Machiatto.

So , i come to the conclusion that being bra-less has its benefits. i won't be smuggling raisins though .

I'd be smuggling grape seeds.

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its all gettin to my head
--

I can't help but feel extremely envious of Meili who has such a great boyfriend. Alex is seriously so darn good to her ! Everytime we take the bus the home together , i would always try to sit as far away as possible away from them , and then i'll start to feel sorry for myself . Ha ha.