orgasmic hamsters

orgasmic hamsters






Monday, April 30, 2007

busy like fuck

while typing out this post's title, i suddenly appreciated the versatility of the word fuck. haha!


past week.. not particularly eventful, unless you consider drinking every night an event.

its like all of a sudden everyone wants to drink with fiona.

laying off booze for the next two weeks i reckon, because the consequences are already showing up on my face. 3 pimples! not good.

slept through saturday. shiok. i slept till i woke up with a pounding headache on sunday. :D

caught pieces of april. not bad at all!

am readin norwegian wood by murakami at the moment. awesome as usual.

okay back to work.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

on why i hate myself

i must be getting old. it was barely 11pm when i started to feel myself taking deeper breaths - a sign that i was tired.

my god, and the clubs were only just starting to fill up!


so it was club-hopping night with t yesterday. my mission was to find myself a man-slut. i'm serious.

somehow or another, i found myself among a bevy of SPGs (the blue-blooded ones, long hair and slinky tight outfits kinda) in Attica. i signalled to t that i wanted to take a rest and from the side, away from the dancefloor, i realised how much i was appalled by the behaviour of the women there and i made a solemn promise to myself that no matter how much of an SPG i might become in the future, i will never ever behave like most of the women there and disgrace asians.

okay, okay. if he happens to look like jude law then hmmmm! but i digress.

i hated Attica so we were out of there within twenty minutes.

anyway back to why i hate myself.

damn, i was so relieved to be back at MOS. there isn't any predatory tension there, and most of the people there just want some good clean fun and not whatevers that's going on in attica.

so t and i danced a bit, moved from room to room, behaved stupidly while laughing our arses off and just as we were about to call it a night, someone suddenly held my arm gently.

"hey, whats your name?" he screamed into my ear. aussie accent too close for comfort! i immediately thought of m.

i turned around and came face to face with frodo.

wtf, frodo?!!!!!

i was stunned by this doppelganger of elijah wood a.k.a frodo for a moment. not a big fan of elijah wood though, he looks like an elf. but this.. a more hirsute and blonder version.

"what!? i'm fiona! you?"


hahaha kidding.

his name was lucas, from adelaide for a holiday here. twenty-too-fucking-young-five.

so we danced abit ( the happy kind of clap-clap dance, not the grinding ass grabbing mating ritual) and even though i'm usually not into blondes, i was rather enchanted by this shy hairy stranger.

we screamed at each other abit, trying to talk.

then of course, it was time to go.

we shook hands.

outside MOS, i couldn't stop thinking about him, no thanks to the influence of before sunrise which i caught just a few days before. you know la, the film chronicles how two strangers met and fell in love within a day.

yaaaaaa naive. oi, i'm allowed to dream right?!

t egged me on to go back in and look for him. and i did, after scrawling my name and email address on a piece of a scrap.

i couldnt find him at all.

i trudged out from the maddening crowd, disappointed.

only to feel someone tap my shoulder just as i exited.


he grinned. it must have been days since he last shaved but he looked so boyish with all that stubble.

"heya! we're going back to the hotel already"

"oh hey, it was nice meeting you"

"yea. me too"

we shook hands. again.

all these while i was squeezing the piece of scrap paper in my hands nervously.

"bye, lucas"


i went to look for t at the taxi stand where she looked at me expectantly.

"so how??"

i shrugged and let the piece of crumpled scrap fall out from my hands.

"you idiot!!! why didnt you??"

"nervous lah."

just then frodo, i mean, lucas and his merry men hopped into a cab right in front of us.


i froze on the spot and waved limply as lucas waved to me. and he sped away in a cab. probably back to middle earth.

t immediately smacked me.


i could kick myself in the head if i could. i'm too chicken for such acts of bravery.

but as the saying goes..

"don't try dont know"

and now i'm still thinking about what might have happened if i did pass him my contact.

damn!! the next time i am going to be that shameless brazen slut. HA!


okay back to work. i'm starving. i love observing my bosses.

one of them likes to stick his tongue out in between conversations.

another squints like a little kid. LOL.


ps : m finally replied my sms and being the spiteful bitch i really am, i refused to reply him and now he is pissed off. and that makes me really happy =) =) =)

listening to : frente - bizarre love triangle ( I LOVE THIS SONG LAH!)


Monday, April 23, 2007

ive got the IRK (mindless ranting ahead)

either its the monday blues, or i really really need to get away from it all.

as of 3pm, i am irked by

1) the curry stains on my grey skinny jeans thanks to carelessness at lunchtime. okay so they're not obvious, just very easily-missed splotches of light yellow.

but i'm the sort of person who'd be so irked by a mere gravy spot on my shirt (you know what i mean lah, when your friends insist that the brown spot can't be seen but somehow your eyes keep glancing at it and it seems to increase exponentially everytime you look at it) that eventually i'd become cuckoo from the fixation.

2) m. because he hasn't replied me in three freakin' days after i texted him. TWICE!

okay i sound obsessed. i'm not, really. just that i really hate it when people don't reply my texts though i'm guilty as charged for such a crime. yea yea karma i know. but hey at least when i get the second same SMS i'd explain the lack of reply. i am so shitted by it that i really feel like thrashing my phone so i can concentrate on my work. ARGHHHHH!

3) i-need-fags-and-alcohol-but-i-cant-get-em shits. yah at 3pm its prolly too early for such vices but fuck it!! i need alcohol. pronto. if not i'm going to grow this grotesque figure from the back of my head that'll chew up anyone who comes near.

4) the OFFICE. the cold seems to be eat into my bone marrow because long after i've left the office i'd find myself rubbing my arms while shivering. in 32' degrees weather. nice.

okay i have just switched my phone off because i keep looking at it every five mins.

i need to seek inner peace. i need to seek inner peace. i need alcohol and fags. i need to seek inner peace.


Friday, April 20, 2007


i encounter stupidity everyday, in all manners and levels.

a few minutes ago, i encountered raw stupidity.the very epitome of it.


i am generally rather distant from my colleagues because i simply have nothing in common with them.

but XX suddenly MSN-ed me just now

XX: hey, there's something going on in the office. i can sense something brewing

me: what?

XX: something lor

me: what????

XX: tee hee. nah nothing much right now but i can "sense" the smoke around here. trying to get more in depth

me: right. regarding what?

XX: tee hee, that's a secret. can't tell you.


repeat after me... What The Fuck.

it's like suddenly stripping naked in front of your boyfriend, teasing him and then dancing around him taunting

"la la la la la you can't fuck me!"

its damn KNN right?

but thats another point. i think my colleague is a classic example of someone trying to stir up
shit in an otherwise placid environment.

and oh.

the next time someone i'm not familiar with tries to do the air kissy-kissy-muah-muah with me, i'll grab their face and give them a full-on kiss, and attempt to lap up the mucus in their throat with my tongue.

one more hour to the weekend!


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

thoughts that make you smile

it happens to everyone. that moment when your mind decides to amuse you and comes up with something that makes you break into a smile or a suppressed chuckle.

it can be that memory of your first kiss, which you botched up when you started drooling.

it can be the sight of your fucked up boss tripping over an invisible lump in the carpet.

it can be even be something as insignificant as catching that school hunk taking a second glance at you, even if it happened twenty years ago.

but for me now, it can only be this scene.

which has already been replayed 187382496 times in my head :

so i was at m's place and taking a shower. i heard him opening the bathroom door but thought nothing of it because i thought he probably wanted to join me.

but a minute or so later, still no hairy ape-like object was standing in the tub with me.

so i parted the shower curtains to peep out


i saw m sitting innocently on the toilet bowl butt naked and staring into blank space.

i squinted at him

"what the? are you taking a dump?"

he looked up.

"no? i'm just takin a piss"

my mind whizzed for a moment, trying to register what he had just said

"huh? why can't you do it standing up????"

he scratched his head

"because you're in here?"

i laughed out immediately

"you mean, it makes a difference?!"

then he had to laugh at the absurdity of his own behaviour as well. LOL.

speaking of which, i still cannot understand how some people can actually walk in and out when their partner is taking a dump. LOL

i mean, peeing isnt so bad lah. but shitting. err.. :)


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

well sometimes..

i'm not a big fan of romantic weepies, but i am in a curl-up-in-front-of-tv-with-glass-of-wine-and-sob-over-sad-movies kind of mood.

doesn't take alot to make me cry when it comes to film actually.

let me try to skim the top of my consciousness. hmm. i have bawled my eyes out watching

1) american history x
2) brokeback mountain
3) cold mountain (partly because it was a bad time for mark and me then and jude law resembles mark. okay just ever so slightly.)
4) garden state
5) castaway (LOL WTF RIGHT? though it was so long ago i still remember it fondly because i was ashamed that i was crying when no one else was :p)

and bla bla bla. tired lah, there a whole long list. to be honest every film that i've seen ( apart from the shitty ones) will somehow move me, maybe not to the extend of tearing up but the lump in my throat will make its presence felt.


i need you guys to recommend me a really sad love story weepe ala cold mountain. you know lah, star-crossed lovers that sorta shit.

the notebook any good? or before sunrise?

i'm actually downloadin dancer in the dark starring bjork now. okay so its not a romantic film but it should be pretty damn shiok.

okay its finally bedtime for me.


Monday, April 16, 2007

should i curtsy to you too?

the disturbing trend of girls (and even *gasp* women) bestowing themselves with the title of princess is alarming and disturbing me greatly.

they especially like prefixing their names with a (in a what they deem as adorable style - the mandatory oh-so-cute but perfectly redundant puntuations, deliberate misspelling and of course, of course, let us not forget the alternate caps) :



and bla bla bla. in their bid to outshine each other in becoming the next common royalty, they lose their individuality and fuse into a pulsating pink blob.

i was at the STOMP portal just now (bad layout yes but damn, nothing beats quirky journalism) and found myself at the starblog link. to my indignation, they have recently recruited a tween blogger to blog there.

and her name?

princess michie. LOL

simi lan jiao lah. princess michie. LOLOLOL i am chuckling to myself in the office as i type this.

i dont know what's up with her but if i'm not mistaken she appeared on the frontpage of the new paper not too long ago when her blog got ridiculed or something.

thats not the point. the point is, if they are getting someone with a moniker like princess michie to blog for a portal thats run by our major daily.....................................

for the last fucking time all of you self-made princesses out there, stop deluding yourself. there are no pink castles with windows made of swarovski crystal, no fancy chiffon tutu gowns and definitely no prince to sweep you off into a lavender field on his white stallion.

and really, i wonder why they are settling for the second best when being queen definitely beats being some lowly princess.

yes thats right. make way for queen fiona all you minions.

no, make that qUeEeeen fiFi_**.

yours royally,

qUeEeeen fiFi_**, Her Royal Highness Fiona the Third, by the Grace of God of the Awesome Tampines Estate and probably Half of Sengkang of the Republic of Singapore.

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen.

O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall.
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all.

Thy choicest gifts in store,
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign:
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the Queen.

(no i am really busy with work in the office but it is therapeutic to blog in between :p)


Sunday, April 15, 2007

the week in retrospect


1) threw up in dex's car after a bit too much at velvet. SORRY LAH!!!!

2) consequently took the day off due to a pounding hangover

3) got flashed at

4) ended the whirlwind two-week long "romance" with J. okay so we didn't date per se but there was definitely chemistry between us. which ended. bye bye, visits to temasek hall.

5) had dismal sales at the flea market due to poor traffic. but what to do, fash bash @ NAFA was held on the same day!

6) dad and long term girlfriend finally tied the knot.

7) was in a caffeine induced high most of the time

8) swore that i am butting out from dating hell from now, and will henceforth devote 100% of my attention to work, alcohol, friends and family. and hammie.


listenin to :

air - cherry blossom girl


Thursday, April 12, 2007


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

come! i will be there selling my fabulous size 00 clothes, including those CNY outfits i featured here before. and more!

ahhhhh shoots are gonna be rolling in soon.

i think we might need to hire an intern/fashion asst.

pay is shitty ah, i tell you first.

so if you are highly driven by fashion and speak impeccable english, email me.

also i noticed alot of peope commiting leggings crimes nowadays.

i see girls matching their leggings with all sorts of shit from beach dresses to super short tops.


leggings are not meant to replace pants. period. its just obscene.

the mini denim skirt/leggings thing is so ancient lah. i was wearing that the last time i was in LA which was almost two freakin years ago. so stop it.

one piece of advice: stop buying leggings. i assure you that it's already well on the way out, probably going extinct within the next two months. nice legs people, nice legs! dont hide em under fabric.

anyway. dont worry, i am a very very nice person and i won't make you run inane errands like buying kopi for the entire crew on a rainy day.

but i can very bossy and condescending especially during actual shoots. and i don't like incessant talking as well.

one more week before the website finally goes live :D :D :D


Wednesday, April 11, 2007


okay let me try to sum up what happened last night in a more coherent manner without the dramatic caps (okay well there's a drama mama in every girl!)

waits for lift with man.

gets into lift with man.

man presses the 8th level button.

lift starts moving. i fiddle with my ipod.

for some reason i glance behind. sees man's hand near his crotch.

alarm bells goes off in my head.

familiar scenario in close proximity. very very close proximity.

ignores man.

man produces a vibrating white device.

man's shorts are around his knees.

man rubs vibrating white device to his crotch.

i am very disturbed.

in a state of panic, i developed temporary amnesia.

which caused me to forget to look at his face and more importantly, the promise i made to myself.

the promise which was made the last time i met another flasher a couple of months back.

that i would not be afraid and kick him in the balls.

lift door finally opens.

i scurry out. breathless.

would he pull me back into the lift?

he did not.

but he followed me out.

and stood there. staring.

he stood there fucking staring, still rubbing his dick wildly.

he walks. he follows.

he stops one unit before my flat.

i entered my flat in a daze.

tells dad.

goes out together with dad.

i am still shaken.

sees the motherfucker milling around one level below. the audacity!!

you piece of shit fuck.

still suspended in temporary amnesia AND inability to process thoughts.

goes back home.

really shouldn't have.

should have followed him with a baseball bat.

calls J.

didn't provide much help.

calls police.

police arrives ten minutes later.

four of them uniformed hunks.

they then comb the area.


comes back and takes down my statement.

really really atrocious english.

spelled crotch as croach.

but they were helpful.

now what?

the fucker knows where i stay.


no i am neither afraid or whatever that's associated with fear. i am just so pissed with myself for not kicking his arse or at least remembering his face.



a whole lot of bollocks

wanted: lunch khaki

o, woe is me! my office happens to be very incoveniently located in the groin of sunny island singapore, in fucking science park 1.

where the hell is this prehistoric cave, you ask.

well, it doesnt matter where, because it is strategically placed beyond civilisation so that the deranged scientists here can concentrate on world domination.

yes... why the fuck is a media company like mine stuck here? i do not know.

my particular building is strangely located behind this massive vomit of overgrown foliage, and the blocks here are connected by very primitive looking bridges. like those tribal treehouses owned by incestuous cannibals with betelnut-stained teeth.

there is only ONE public bus that transports the exodus of harassed-looking corporate slaves from modern society into this elusive dungeon (abandon hope all ye who enter!!) every morning, i pull my panties into a bunch in frustration trying to squeeze my butt up the bus.

and mind you, i have a small butt.

whats even more infuriating is that the bus company KNOWS about the madness that ensues every morning with the arrival of sweet service 92 (push! shove! grunt! curse! push! get to the back of the bus you fucking fuckers!!!!!) but yet they still deploy the tiniest pygmy bus they own (half the size of a normal SBS bus).

SBS, please do not confuse science park with lilliput okay?

this applies to bus 95 as well, which calls at the same stop but carries a different load - the sad looking bunch of young people to the madhouse i call NUS.

NUS is a HUGE place. i don't know what the student population is but i believe 95 is the only service that plies the campus. it arrives probably once a millennium.

speaking of which i visited J at his hall in NUS yesterday and i was appalled by how small his room is, as well as the sight of topless young boys in running shorts lurking in the corridoors.

i digress.

so the bus stop opposite buona vista MRT is populated by only two kinds - office workers suffocating under their obnoxiously coloured ties and half-asleep students. of course there is a third category - me. the fabulously flashy gorgeous perky kind.

i should be crowned queen of the bus stop or something.


if you happen to be lodged between the rocks and a hard place called science park 1, call me. and maybe we can stuff our faces with the disgusting food on offer at the Cintech 1 (which sounds like a toilet) canteen.

okay the indian food is not half that bad.

well... the only redemption? the reuters cuties. hahahaha shit i just can't get enough of them.

okay back to work.

p.s : raise yr hands, all of you who thought greenspan was an environmental organisation.

p.p.s : am i the the only who suffers from momentary giddy spells whenever evil thoughts cross my mind? i am not kidding. for example i'll think ''maybe i should put rat poison into the office bitch's cup", and a suddenly a bout of wavering vision lasting about 3 seconds would follow.


Monday, April 09, 2007

my phone, the sexist

okay so i've been feeling rather fantastic lately. i am loving my job (not so much the writer's block), my quaint colleagues, my clean desk and of course, the cuties at the canteen. ha!

also, my dad's getting married next week (i think). life does get a little complicated when you have a father, a mother, a stepmother and a stepfather. doesn't bother me much though so don't get all "oh you poor little only child" on me! :D

a little update on my still lacklustre love life: recently i've starting seeing J, someone whom i used to hang out with for a while two years ago before it ended really badly because he became a tad obsessive and i wasn't really feelijng him. but he's changed alot apparently and i like how i feel so at ease while talking to him, and how our conversations always end up with me curled up in hysterical laughter.

this time round though, he seems to be a bit.. well, distant. i'm not sure if its just me being sensitive or that i'm just really anxious to get it on and finally settle down in a steady commited relationship. he''ll be having his exams soon and is mugging really hard for it. no time for the attention-seeking me!

someone said i'm just making use of him to distract myself from mark, which is true to only to an extent because i am rather attracted to J (for now). how long this attraction will last, i am not sure though. i hope he'll hurry up and win me over before i jump ship.

fuck my short attention span and impatience.


as per entry topic, my phone is definitely sexist. LOL. i just got myself a new phone, a spankingly fabulous nokia 6300. its compact and pretty damn simple to use. and looks masculine enough.

yeah i like masculine phones. bright pink phones with flower motifs? give me a fucking break!

i was texting J about persuading him to get a boyzilian (some private joke lar :p) and was trying to spell Penis when i realised the auto-dictionary doesn't recognise the male anatomy and i had to manually key it in.

which kinda puzzled me. i mean, penis is not a vulgar word what.

then i tried to spell vagina




i haven't tried it yet but if my theory of nokia being sexist rings true, then it'll probably be able to spell ovary and not scrotum. LOL.

can someone from nokia tell me why?? :D :D :D

by the way i am so addicted to caffeine now. can't live without it. and yes i am blogging from work.

did i mention my boss has a fish tank with NO fish in it, but it has an operational pump and filter which is turned on 24/7.

so i quizzed him about it and he gave me an enigmatic smile

"Ah young lady, there ARE fishes in it.."

"really?? where???" (then i peered really closely at the tank)

"you can only see it if you're only above thirty years old, my young lady...."

then the whole office laughed at me. i'm the youngest there lah.


ps: my colleague tried to spell penis on her Sony Ericsson phone and she can't spell penis as well, but vagina works fine. :D


Sunday, April 08, 2007

Hamster Dance

this has got to be the most random and meangingless crap ever BUT it made me laugh. LOL.


Friday, April 06, 2007


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i am jack's smirking revenge


Sunday, April 01, 2007

pretty strong shit!

whose effects can be described as tethering precariously on a finger-thick trapeze 100 storeys above ground unsupported and not giving two shits because it is all just too damn glorious from here.


sleepless in singapore

finally.. valium!!

i shall sleep soundly tonight.


the writer








shawn kuku


spirit fingers









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