orgasmic hamsters

orgasmic hamsters






Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Feline porn

GCIA - Gay Cats In Action


Art at its worst.

The attack of the doppelganger


Monday, November 29, 2004

See Saw !

Caught "Saw" just now and i must say , it was goooooooood !

A compelling plot with lots of red herrings that keeps u guessing and gasping for breath .

Though i've always proclaimed myself a fan of gore and carnage in films , i was really disturbed by a few scenes.

Like , having to come to a very extreme compromise.

Just think : You're shackled to a industrial-strength steel chain with very dim prospects.

By the time anyone finds you , all that'll remain of you would be a pile of fossilised bones.

But hold on a second.

There is a saw within reach of you.

A saw so feeble that the metal chains would probably sandpaper off the saw's edges into dust.

But.. strong enough to cut through flesh and bone.


Have ever fell for someone you barely even know.

That you've met only twice before.

You don't have his number.

Heck , you don't even know his last name !

Yep.. Thats exactly the sad state of affairs i'm facing now.

I was instantly drawn to him the first time we were introduced to each other.

And he reduced me to tears of laughter within the few minutes of our first meeting.

Yes , i was impressed .

His cheeky humour , his wit , his demeanor , his style .

I never had the chance to find out what we have in common , but what i do know is , we both share a love for films.

Sometimes i really wish that i don't belong to the fairer sex.

Just so that i can take the initiative.

Maybe when i'm drunk..Maybe.. Just maybe :)


Listening to : Embrace - Gravity


Saturday, November 27, 2004

The drunk song ( Fiona's version )

I was going to class.. But then i got high ( woo- oo )
I was going to sign my attendance and run .. But then i got high.. ( woo-oo )
Now my attendance sucks and i'm gonna be barred from exams and i know why..

Because i got high
Because i got high
Because i got high ( Ta da da da da )

I was going to go to work.. But then i got high ( woo-oo )
I was going to eat and tar pau some cakes .. But then i got high.. ( woo-oo )
Now i'm gonna be fired and i know why.. ( why ? )

Because i got high
Because i got high
Because i got high ( Ta da da da da )


Okay so the last bit of the first verse didn't exactly fit but who cares ? Haha

Hung out with Mel and company and downed a rather putrid-tasting concoction of cranberry vodka and vodka citron in a gulp and managed to steal sips from those none-the-wiser . Heh .

Of course i didn't get drunk on that , but i did feel a tad whoozy but it was only fifteen minutes before i was absolutely sober.

It was good while it lasted though. :D

I read it somewhere that the effects of alcohol swims around in your system for at least a good two hours but it never feels that way to me.

By the way did i mention that its 7am and i am still very much awake .


Friday, November 26, 2004

The constipated look on my face

I used to find that writing's got to be the most beautiful outlet of expression , and that i would eat , drink and sleep words until the day i breath my very last.

Yep thats right. I aspired to be a journalist.

That was before i got surrendered myself to the mass communications pile of shit .

Welcome to the real world.

Those 300 word essays back in secondary school suddenly felt so surreal .. so .. effortless.

Whatever happened to the good ol' times when i wrote with such gusto that it was hard to stop once pen meets paper ?

Now , my fingers quiver as they touch the keyboard , not so much of fear ( though it does play a part ) , but of chronic usage.

An essay spanning a few thousand words isn't very funny.

Yes , i still aspire to be a journalist .

Only now that i've learned that it takes much more than a love for the language to venture into the media industry.

And now i shall go back to continuing my 1500 word essay .

Good lordie , please bestow willpower and an infinitely creative mind to me .

And do away with writer's block once and for all.

p/s : I noticed grammar mistakes in this post but to hell with it !


Thursday, November 25, 2004

Shaven , not grown

I found this webpage seriously disturbing yet amusing at the same time

Yikes , which women in their sane state of mind likes their pits au natural ?


The attack of the pus filled monstrosity

Nope , not on the face .


My left butt cheek !

And a huge one it is .

Quite painful too , especially when it rubs against my skirt.

I wonder how the hell it appeared there in the first place since the main cause of pimples is excess sebum on the face..

But.. Butt cheeks don't secrete sebum right ???

And please don't doubt my cleanliness. The last person you would ever doubt to be unhygienic in the world would be me :P

Owww... My poor butt cheek.


Monday, November 22, 2004

Punch drunk love

The couple gazed into each others' eyes , arms so entwined around each other's neck that strangulation's almost certain , her waist grinding against his hip in a slow dance-like fashion.

Sex with the clothes on , i call it.

Holla ! They must be advocates of tantric sex.

They were so smitten with each other that my voice must have sounded as faint as an echo from a thousand miles' away , the tray of fresh coffee like a silhouette in the thick dense fog and everyone else fading into oblivion.

I was impressed with their formidable skills of being able to balance a laden tray with arms still around each other's necks , even though the tray swayed precariously as they walk .

They looked inebriated . But certainly not from the effects of excessive alcohol ( an effect i know too well )

I had forgotten about them until i walked out from my counter to clear tables and they were huddled closed to each other in a one-seater sofa , heads together looking down as if deep in prayer , her leg draped across his' in a come-hither manner.

Their coffees untouched .

I wondered what they were whispering about. But i guessed as much.

"Oh , Sally . You smell wonderful. I love you so much."

"Oh Ben , i love you so much too."

"Sally Sally .. Did i mention how much i love you ?"

"Yes you did , about a second ago. But don't stop."

"I love you , Sally. So much. Do you know that ?"

"Yes i do .. I love you that much too you know , Ben ?"

"Oh Sally.. Hearing my name on your lips makes me dizzy with happiness. I love you .."

"Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben"

"Oh oh oh .. Please don't torture me like that.. I'm gonna need panadol to cure my dizzy spell.. Sally.. I'm so in love with you.. Your lips are secret territorries of which i will conquer.."

"Oh , conquer me now , Ben . There will be no fight , i shall wave the white flag and surrender myself to you , my valiant conquerer , my knight in shining armour , my Adonis "

"Oh Sally , My love. My one and only. I love you.."

"Oh Ben . You don't know how much i love you ..."

"I will never leave you....Sally..."

"I love you..."

And then a kiss so passionate , its almost porn .


Listening to : 3 doors down - Here without you



Saturday, November 20, 2004

Murphy's law . Chronicles of toilet woes


I made a quick trip to the loo yesterday while i was working . Well , i had tolerated my bladder for such a long period of time that it was almost bursting at the seams.

So when finally i shut myself in a cubicle and my pants laid crumpled around my ankles ( of course it didnt. I don't trust the hygiene levels of public toilets . But then again the Airport boasts one of the cleanest toilets around . But i'm still skeptical lah. Why am i telling you all these?! ) , it was sweeeeeeeeet relief.

I hovered precariously above the toilet seat , something i always do in public loos because of the stigma attached to toilet seats. You know lah. Splattered waste , viruses from genital warts etc.

As i was halfway done , all of a sudden , the door opened and it knocked me on my head as i was kind of bent forward in my awkward and leg-aching position.

My hand immediately went to shut the door .Thank god for my quick reflexes !

I must have forgotten to lock the door in my haste.

I heard giggling from outside and someone chiding her child

"Aiyo , Girl ah ! Why you open the door ?"

She was trying to contain her laughter as she spoke. I could feel it !

"Mummy , i don't know somebody's inside what !"

I didn't know what to do. I was so embarrased that i wanted to wait till the toilet was empty until i made my escape but since this toilet has the highest flow of human traffic due to its prominent spot , i knew i couldn't.

Slowly i turned the knob and made a mad rush for the door .

I didn't even bother to wash my hands , since i can wash it back in the cafe.

I could feel a dozen pairs of amused eyes feast on me.


***warning : Explicit and gross content***

My dad had visitors in today , and to my disappointment there wasn't any young handsome lad for me to look at.

But thats not the point.

As usual after lunch , it was my daily ritual to visit the loo with a John Grisham paperback.

Yah lah , i really like to read while doing industrial-strength business.


After about 20 minutes in the loo ( Usually i sit on my ceramic throne long after the last traces of yesterday's dinner have met their doom in the murky waters below because i would be too engrossed in reading to even notice it ) , my hands reached out for the toilet paper.

No cottony-soft 3 ply paper met my hands.

All i felt was a coarse tubular thing.

Yay. No toilet paper.

I contemplated my situation for a while .

If it was any other day at home , i could have just shouted for my dad to pass me a toilet roll or walk out of the loo with my pants down to retrieve it myself.

But not today. I HAve VISITORS , remember ?

I mustn't embarrasse myself in front of the distinguished looking man who looked quite good for his age .

This must be really a really classic moment of Murphy's law.

In the end , i had no choice but to crawl out of the toilet with the cold air kissing my butt cheeks and hope that no one steps into the bedroom as i grabbed the nearest packet of tissue paper from the drawers.

I did it.

Thank god Murphy's law did not impose itself on me again.

If not can you imagine..

Walking back to your bedroom to see your daughter literally butt-naked ?

Or even worse.

Seeing your business' partner's cute teenage daughter in a different light ?


I can't believe i spent saturday at home doing nothing but sleep , eat and failed attempts to complete my mountain of projects.

Sorry Han for not being able to make it to the movies today :D . I was really tired, not surprising since i reached home at 4 and slept at 6 :)


Listening to : 3 doors down - Kryptonite

Okay maybe you have noticed me listening to the same songs over and over again. Thats just me. Heh.


Drunk is a state of mind

Almost three years ago , just one glass of Bourbon Coke would knock me out me out completely , reducing me to a gibberish-spouting invalid.

i was thinking about that yesterday when i downed a glass of bourbon coke at China Black and felt NOTHING even though i expected myself to feel at least slightly light headed as my tolerance for alchohol isn't a honed skill yet.

I've always wondered how the body immunes itself against alchohol. Maybe it gets so accustomed to it that they simply don't absorb it into the bloodstream anymore and it gets passed out as urine.

Okay thats obviously complete crap. Biology students , please don't flame me.


The last time i tried to get really drunk , it took me about 6 shots of vodka and a mug of beer ( followed by many trips to the loo)

It was about half a year ago during HH's "coming of age" party.

Of course , one of the contributing factors causing my downfall was that drinks were free flow , no thanks to his loving dad buying about 10 bottles of Absolut Vodka , among other stuff from DFS.

Duty free ! Cheap cheap cheap.

Worse still , i didn't even throw up which meant that the alcohol swam around in my system for quite a while.

I didn't really pass out but i do have faint recollections of me lying on some random person's chest and feeling very very very happy.

Oh, and i remember seeing Ros and Mikey making out behind the staircase and smiling to myself as i peeped at them. :D

Sometimes , i think to myself. Is this how a teenager should spent the essence of her youth ?

Inebriated and falling off pavements ?

But then again , i don't get drunk most of the time.

Some people frown at the thought of clubbing , believing that its a complete waste of time , energy and money.

I can't help but agree.


Gyrating with masses of like-minded invididuals sure beats grooving alone anytime.


Listening to :

Train : Drops of Jupiter

The Killers : Somebody told me

Okay i'm seriously addicted to the abovementioned songs.


Friday, November 19, 2004

Ten ways to kill an ant

Too much free time on your hands does wonders to your mental capability.

I woke up at an astonishingly incredible time of 8am today , astonishing because

1) I slept at 3am

2) I am NOT a morning person. I'm someone who often laments about the sad fact that the Snooze function on alarm clocks' not an hour long.

3) I had no reason to be waking up so early , because i have no class and work starts only at 3pm.

There you have it. And to top it all up , the time is 12pm now and i'm still bursting with energy and i feel like there's adrenaline rushing about in my veins.

This is amazing.

Anyway , i digress.

Mornings are really boring , there's nothing on TV except home improvement programmes , news bulletins and re-runs of "I Love Lucy" on cable.

I wound up watching MTV for 3 hours straight while finishing almost half a loaf of white bread with a generous amount of peanut butter slathered on it .

Nelly , Usher and Alicia Keys got on my nerves after 3 hours and believe me , its too damn tedious to be hearing the same people sing all the time.

Damn you , MTV. Just because these three are the hottest property on the market right now doesnt give you the damned rights to repititively play their songs.

Whatever happened to Metallica , Dashboard Confessional or Matchbox 20 ?!

Okay.. as i was saying. The boredom.

I was so bored , i started dancing in front of the TV to .. Who else ?

Nelly , Usher and Alicia Keys.

Must have been a really horrible sight , a girl with cottony fluffy hair resembling a hair ball fresh from a cat's mouth , wearing a pair of batik floral shorts inside-out and a rag-like camisole ( also inside-out ) shaking her booty while yelling out lyrics of "Hot in here".

Don't even think about it.

I was grooving like i've never danced before , with never-seen-before moves like wild flailing arms and neck bobbing egyptian/indian-style.

The routine was so strenous , so full of life that i got stitches in my abdomen so i had to stop .

And then i realised i had nothing to do again so i did what i always do when i'm bored.

Which was to agitate my poor hamster , Hammie the 6th.

Hammie looked disturbed as i lured her out with an enticing piece of Kellog's corn flake.

She ran in circles as she tried to hook the bait but it failed to amuse me after a while so i let her enjoy her favourite treat in peace after awhile.

By the way did i mention one of my favourite pastimes is to hold a piece of corn flake somewhere above Hammie's running wheel so that she can run for miles and miles while craning her neck to grab her treat.

Damn funny leh.

But i know Hammie won't hold it against me because she knows i love her most :)


I flipped yesterday's newspapers for a while , readin stale news and even the business sections.

"Dow Jones falls by 10,00000 points after Bush steps down after pleading guilty of incest and sodomy during impeachment trial and Shwarzeneggar claims Presidency"

What a scandalous fiasco !

OKay , not funny. Republican advocates , please do not sue me.

Urggggggh. This is like the 3rd time i've digressed .

I saw a little ant scurry back and forth as i scanned the obituaries .

Everyone who knows me will know i have a thing against ants. Ants piss me to no end , and i seek pleasure in tormenting them . Fuck what i always preach about being against animal abuse !

Ants are not animals.

They're insects. Pests. Parasites.Poppycock.

I followed the lone ranger closely so that i can locate its nest .

Unfortunately the lucky bitch disappeared through the kitchen window so i reckon the nest's outside my window.

Since i have so much time , i decided to sit by my window and bask in the afternoon sun at the same time.

Two ants crept in and i was prepared.

I swooped down on them like an owl with my dad's prized champagne flute glass and promptly held them prisoner.

My sadistic instincts reared its ugly head as i pondered about means to kill them.

First thought : Smolder them.

My thoughts went back to my primary school science textbook.

I lighted a tea-light and waited till my two nano-sized captives were pacing on the glass walls and i covered the tea-light with it.

Get the idea ?

Flame = Combustion.

Combustion = Burning of oxygen.

The flame fizzled out after a few seconds , signifying that there was no more oxygen .


So my mind went back to my science textbook again.

Yeahh. I bet they can't survive when they breath in copious amounts of CO2.

Hmm. I foraged my fridge for baking soda , and found it.

But i didn't have any carbonated drinks so i had to forgo the idea.

My eyes wandered and i saw the altar......


I was suddenly inspired by the brutality of Hitler and his gang.

Think gas-chambers , except that instead of cyanide gas , this time , it'll be monoxide fumes.

I placed a piece of burning incense under the glass and i thought

"damn this time they really gotta die of smoke inhalation"

But !

Wah- la wah- la !

They didn't.

I'm not joking when i say that by that time i became visibly livid with impatience .

I took out my asthma Ventolin inhaler and spritzed a couple of puffs into the glass.

This time i wasn't surprised that they didn't die since the inhaler's isn't toxic. Like duh. I would have died if it was.


I made a wager with myself.

Either they die this time , or i release them.

I took out my trusted Baygon.

Okay , so the wager's really unfair :P

They literally drowned in the Baygon. Heh.

Now , before you dismiss me as some baygon-toting cockcroach murderer , may i interrupt.

I am not.

I am just prejudiced against ants , and ants alone.

I actually let cockcroaches off scot-free whenever i see them.

Cockcroaches are a sad discriminated lot actually .

But then again , some people find stomping on a cockcroach extremely gratifying.

They think its orgasmic to see the yellow juice ooze from a decapitated cockcroach.

Or the satisfying CRUNCHHHHHHHHHH when foot-meets-cockcroach.

I just derieve mine from sealing the entrances of suspected ant nests with superglue or a wad of baygon-soaked cloth.

I stay in one of those rare homes where u can safely leave a licked sticky lollipop on the table without any worries of it getting infested by ants because i am such a dilligent ant-hunter that my house has ZERO ants. Nil , nada , zilch.

Wow. I can't believe i just unloaded that truckload of crap.


Here's a memorable conversation log with Shawn "Kukubudus" Low.

Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
brb i need to pang sai

Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
haiya nvm

high on diesel and gasoline says:

Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
i bring this lappy in

high on diesel and gasoline says:
u're SICK

Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
what the

Every girl's guy, every mother's hope. says:
my shit slid thru me like a hot knife with butter

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
no splash back'

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
clean afterwipe

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
one piece, no stragglers

high on diesel and gasoline says:
are u out of the loo now!?

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
not yet

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
looka like we have more

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:

high on diesel and gasoline says:

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:

Every girl's kinda guy, every mother's hope. says:
that was a big one

Ten easy steps to heaven
By Fiona Tan

1) Stick a well chewed piece of chewing gum on the "Close button" of lift doors. Preferably drenched with sticky greenish mucus or anthrax-loaded saliva.

2) Pee on your neighbour's gate. Why shouldnt you , since she's always poking her head into your windows to watch you sleep or make out with your boyfriend ? Nosey bitch .

3) Stuff a tennis ball into the exhaust pipe of your neighbour's car. Watch and observe the pyrotechnics that will follow .

4) Scare the shit out of your family by discarding the box of a pregnancy test kit as conspicuously as possible

5) Paint a ball of cement black and white before a Man United match and cheer as Van Nistelrooy breaks 5 toes attempting to kick it. That nasty bugger deserves it.

6) Press the head of a newborn . Extremely malleable and you can shape it to fit your preferences. Not too hard though , it might burst. Now , you won't want brain juice staining your new Atticus tee rght ?

7) Replace your mom's anti hair-loss shampoo with Veet's depilatory cream.

8) Line the insides of a condom with fire ants.

9) Replace your faggot brother's shaver with the blades of a potato peeler. He'll never have to worry about overnight stubble again.

10) Fill the resident pervert's tobacco pipe with gunpowder. Say goodbye to days when you have to walk up stairs with your hands pressing on your skirt because he'll never stand under the staircase waiting for an upskirt moment again. Ever.

Listening to : The killers - Somebody told me


All i want for christmas...

Nope , not my two front teeth.

Just somebody who would make breakfast in bed for me.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

Malaysia , truly asia !

Anyway thats supposed to be the slogan of Malaysia's Tourism Board.

I don't how but my family managed to persuade me to join them on a one day trip to Malaysia on during Hari Raya ( Sunday )

I was damn reluctant to because of two reasons.

1) I had to wake up at bloody 5am on Sunday morning to avoid the traffic jams on the causeway

2) i realised that it was not a self-drive trip , but we would be following a tour on a bloody coach.

From my experience , coaches are really smelly , parasite-infested and dusty.

Not surprisingly , the tour group that my family followed consisted of mainly aunties their young gregarious kids.

I started snoozing the moment i made myself comfortable in the coach , and i was so refreshed by the time we arrived at the Malaysian immigirations that i even managed to wish the immigration officer a "Selamat Hari Raya" and i bet that it really made his day .


First stop : Orchid Valley.

I've never ever heard of this place , being a someone who has never been a fan of ornamental flowers or plants.

Give me a trek thru' the jungles of Pahang anytime , man.

Arriving at this decrepit run down place parading as an orchid garden , i started slapping away at my arm.

Damn those mosquitos.

The artificial waterfall near the entrance's dry , but barely 5 minutes after we stepped into the place ( which we paid Rm5 for per entry ) , muddy-looking water suddenly burst forth from the top.

Did i mention that it sent the "Aunties" into a flurry and cameras were suddenly whipped out fron nowhere and kids were made to pose against the backdrop.

What the fuck ?!!!

Get a life . The waterfall's not even two storeys high.

I found this sight really funny , it kind of sums up the pathetic state the place is in. Fancy turning on your waterfall only when vistors arrive.

I arrived at the conclusion that visitors were a rare occurence, hence the rousing welcome from the er , park rangers ?

I soon saw why the place was so run down and quiet.

Despite its grand sounding name of "Orchid Valley" , the place doesn't even remotely resemble a valley , and neither does it have any orchids.

All i saw were rows of overgrown and sad-looking patches of green.

I was so bored , i started doing things i would normally never do , like snap pictures of roots and bricks.

The day dragged on , visiting so called "places of interest" which never interested me , like tropical fruit farms and fishing villages.

It was kind of sad actually to see kids getting excited over the mere appearance of the kampung chickens and other kinds of fowl running free in the fruit farms.

In the not-so-distant future , our children may have to rely on books to actually see how a chicken looks like.

Where have all the spider-catching days of yonder gone to ?

Okay , i digress.

The only time which i really enjoyed myself were the hours of naps in took in between stops , and when we managed to gatecrash a stranger's wedding.


Yes indeed.

Our tour guide was silly enough to reserve tables for us at a restaurent where a wedding dinner was about to take place.

Maybe the newlyweds were not very well-off , thus being unable to book the entire restaurent.

Anyway , i was kinda embarrased to be having dinner when someone else is walking down the aisle.

I discovered that malaysian weddings are really old-school , complete to the bright gold and pink ( and very tacky ) decor , to the music being played.

The music sounded suspiciously like it came from a chinese new year compilation.

Of course , i'm not stereotyping malaysians lah.

ZZZz. I'm tired. I shall continue tomorrow. Please ignore the grammer/vocab/spelling mistakes should u spot any.. Brain malfunctioning lah ! Good night.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Random still frames

Since i'm still suffering from a really bad case of writer's block , i shall post a couple of pictures taken on my not-so-snazzy-anymore phone , Nokia 6230 ( it wasn't as snazzy as before because of the influx of new models on the market with really impressive price tags )


Okay , this is me in my room , without my make up. Yep , notice my uber-neat bedroom. And my crease-free bedsheets. I'm really particular about tidiness.

Quit laughing at my teeth already ! I know they're rather crooked. Heh. I dare say i'll look so much better without my mouth.

Ha. How very self-deprecating.


I think i've uploaded this one before but anyway.

This is Douglas. i think that he looks like Christiano Ronaldo ( That Man Utd cutie ) , but then again i've been known to have a really fruitful imagination. And contrary to popular belief , i am not naked. Tube tops usually gives rise to rather bizarre illusions.


I like this alot !!!!!! Notice the ring of light surrounding my head just like a halo. Special effects aside , i think i look really hideous from this angle.


I kind of like this pic but after going overboard with the scrutinising ( or self-admiration if you will ) , i realised i resemble an ape . How very ego-boosting.

Notice the chimp-like protuding jaws. Hot-blooded male orang utans would go ballistic at the sight of me , and horny chimpanzees would line up to mate with me. Hahahhaa. Beastiality ! ( Yes , i know that its not the correct spelling )

Listening to : 3 doors down - Kryptonite .

Reading : John Grisham - The Testament.

YEAH! Surprise ! I am actually reading stuff that i usually shun ( this book involves alot of law-related stuff ). Now , will someone be so kind as to explain the meaning of litigation and what does a litigator do ( I know it has something to do with law ) ?? Has litigation has anything to do with vasectomy ( don't ask me why but i associate both words together ) ?

Vasectomy is , by the way , something you would do if all you wanna do is screw some girl everyday but not worry about the lawsuits that would follow should she get pregnant and the little bitch just wouldnt abort it. STERILISATION LAH ! Ouch. But its not castration. Why am i even talking about this in the first place?!

I do not condone abortion , for your info.


Saturday, November 13, 2004

Fighting air

Sometimes , i can't help but laugh at myself for being so silly.

I get really paranoid about encountering baddies in the middle of the night since i'm prone to coming home really late , like 2am.

Think robbery , rape , kidnap , or even worse - all of the mentioned AND murder.

It might sound mighty stupid but i swear my blood pressure rises the moment i step out of the cab and into the silence of the sleeping neighbourhood.

Not to mention my ragged breathing which i try to keep under check so as not to alert potential assailants.

Imagine ..

As i stepped into the haven of the lift , i started praying really hard that the lift door closes completely .

Almost now..

I heaved a sigh of relief.

Then suddenly the door withdrew .

A cigarette-reeking palm was plastered onto my mouth. The sheer force of it left me grinding against the wall of the lift.

Something cold and hard was pressed against my temple.

"Shut up before i pull the trigger on you. Believe me when i say this shit's fucking loaded."

My wobbling legs gave way and I crumpled into a kneeling position despite the dirty spit-stained lift floor..

The hideous Chewbacca lookalike then pressed his fat thumb on the 'Close' button..

I trembled . The tears started to flow copiously as realisation sank in.

The ventilation stopped.

His palms falls off my mouth , but the revolver stayed.

"You know what i want."

I couldn't bear to look at him eye-to-eye. I shook dumbly as i hung my head low.

"Out with everything you have. Don't try any tricks with me or i'll...."

He strucked my head with the side of the gun with such force that i slammed against the wall.

I picked myself up and handed him my wallet and phone.

"Thats all ?!?" He asked incredulously.

I nodded.

"Fuck man ! You've gotta be kidding."

I kept quiet as i felt his eyes fixate on me.

"You must be a virgin."

Touch me and you die , i thought.

His thumb and index finger caught my chin and he jerked it up.

"Now look at me."

I looked . I noticed his complexion was sallow and yellowish. Must be a bad case of jaundice.

"Now look at me closely cuz i'm gonna do ya really good right here right now."

With the gun still pointed on my head , his free hand wandered to my fly.

"Urghhh. Fuck Levis!"

He struggled with my 3 button fly Levis 599 and managed to unbutton one after much effort.

He starting cursing Levis Strauss and put his gun down to concentrate on unbuttoning my damned fly. I sprang into action and caught the gun

"Ha ! Hands behind your head now , you piece of dried cow dung!"

Slowly he stood up .

I did the same , only that i was holding him at gun point.

I kicked the "Open" button and slowly fresh air seeped into the lift.

Just as time too. I was beginning to feel light-headed from the lack of oxygen and his BO was starting to impermeate the stale air.

I kicked the phone towards him.

"Call the police , loser."


Hahahahha. Damn. I can't believe i wrote that mini essay shit.




I'm pimping him.

He's is so sweet , he gives me Hello! Singtel paper bags for dinner.

He bakes edible cookies.

He has balls so big , they block out the sun.

Did i mention that he's really good at burning down bathrooms ?

Yep , he burned down his.

What more can a girl ask for right ?


Drop me a line if you want a piece of this cake.


Listening to : 3 doors down - Kryptonite


Friday, November 12, 2004

Blogger sucks.

I uploaded a really long post just now , and IT DISAPPEARED.



Wednesday, November 10, 2004

All i wanna do ... is to dance my life away

Haven't been blogging for quite some time now. Writer's block , i call it !

But it won't be long before i make my comeback.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Ashes to ashes , dust to dust

Undeniably , everyone has a fear of death. Yes , i believe even the holiest of monks fear death .

Of course , you might go "Fiona ! Hello ? You're 18 and have a long way ahead of you !"

Yes but on a pessimistic note , who knows what will happen in the next moment ?

I might click on Publish after completing this post and the monitor might just explode into my face and splattering brain mush all over the room with fragments of my skull.

I am so afraid of death , and this fear has been escalating to scale great new heights. I walk down the stairs clinging on very tightly to the railings for i am afraid that i would trip and fall to my death or even worse, paralysis.

Paranoia ? Indeed.

Every household appliance to me is a liability. Even the most innocent looking two seater sofa scares the shit out of me whenever my imagination gets going because i imagine the sofa toppling over and smothering the breath out of me. WTF?!!!!!!!! Thats definitely not a possible scenario right ?

Not surprisingly , i cross roads with utmost care and speakin of roads , i have this really warped thinking.

Always wear nice and clean undies when you go out because you'll never know when you might meet with an accident !

How are the two linked , you might ask.

Indeed ! Lets say there's a laceration near your crotch. Obviously the paramedics would have to strip you in order to get to the injury. And you certainly won't want the medics to see you stark naked save for a pair of panties which you affectionately nicknamed 'Holey-Moley'.

Moral of the story ? ALways wear nice underwear. And you'll never know when you'll meet a mysterious Johnny-Depp lookalike too.............................

Okay , i digress.

Back to my fear.

Actually , i think i fear death happening to my family and friends more than i fear it happening to myself , especially to my grandparents.

I get sick with worry whenever the phone rings at the most unearthly times like 3am , having watched too many drama serials where if the phone rings during the graveyard hours , its an ominous sign and the phone call would definitely be from a crying relative bringing bad news.

I really pray that they would live to a ripe old age with dozens of great grand children running around them.

Let me end this post with a quote from the bible

"While the Lord delays His coming, death works incessantly. There is no moment when its scythe is idle. We may soon feel its leveling blow. The debt of dying is due from us and all earth-born. "It is appointed unto men once to die."--Heb. 9:27."

And i fear....

Okay this is really funny.

Was searching the WWW for a word describing a fear of death for my earlier post and i stumbled along this really wacky fear.

Fear of what ?

Fear of...... An erect penis !!!

And its called Medorthophobia !!!!!!!! LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine this scenario..

Guy suffering from Medorthophobia (GSFM) is havin a stroll in the park. A bikini clad lady walks past him and her vital stats are 36DD-24-34.

GFSM has a natural reaction and he is horrified. GFSM runs to the nearest gents.

GFSM locks himself up in a cubicle and pulls down his pants.

Starts banging his crotch into the wall and screaming "Down boy ! DOWN!"

Okay you may not find it funny but it really cracked me up. :D

I pity the guys who suffer from this phobia. May the force be with you.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

A tribute to Computer Chair ( 1998-2004 )

Okay , i know that the proper name for the chair that my ass sits upon whenever i start typing maniacally like some computer-addicted recluse is not a computer chair , but an office chair or the like.


It's something like this .

Nothing fancy ; nothing leather nor ergonomic. Just plain cheap plastic with wheels that scratch your delicate marble floors.

Yep. It even caused me my life a couple of time when over-zealous swivelling of the chair causes it to unscrew itself which results in a painful ass.

Two years ago , i was in my favourite position on the chair while using the computer ; legs propped up on the table , head slumped against the back of the chair.

What i didnt know what i was having *whispers and gasps* that time of the month !

Blood happily trickled down and my beloved chair got stained.

A huge angry red patch right smack in the middle.

I couldn't let my mom know about it !

Quickly i went to search the WWW for a quick solution and found one.

"Dab the affected areas with a salt solution and the stain will be gone !"

I did just that.


Not only the stain remained as prominent as ever , the salt solution had dried up and it left a glaring white crust on the stain.

Like a halo ! Wtf ?!!!!!!

The stain isn't there anymore , fyi.

I'll bid goodbye to you now , my friend.



Monday, November 01, 2004

irrelevant post of the day

Quote from Ronan Keating's "When you say nothing at all"

"You say it best.... when you say nothing at all...."

Oh Ronan. Maybe you would like to marry someone with a speech impediment.



Okay my birthday was nothing short of great but i'm too tired to go into details right now. Prolly tomorrow morning.

Went trick-or-treating ( singaporean style ) with Ian , Jody and TCC and although we weren't as elaborate as our western counterparts with their halloween costumes , i guess we managed to scare a handful of innocent passerbys with our blood drenched faces and had the whole town giving us puzzled second glances.

Mission accomplished ! Pictures from our "Halloween" town crawl will be uploaded tomorrow. Stay tuned and good night.


the writer








shawn kuku


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