meet billy, the paper mache man of my dreams. who has a heart so big that it radiates happy rays !!
i am still reeling in from my two acts of unintended bravery from last night. bravo, fiona! bravo!
happy weekend, people !
today i told mark that its time to stop the silly "friends-with-benefits" relationship we had with each other and five minutes later i told D that i had enough of his lack of concern and everything else that i rightly deserve like his attention from someone i was supposedly dating. all he said was to wait till he gets back from cambodia. i told him to fuck his own ass and to leave me alone, i deserve someone much better.
i'm so fucking sick of dating, of all these fucking shit. but as someone who craves attention 24/7 and constant love, i have no right to say that.
but its just so tedious to go through the dating process again.
--go away, ye bag-o-bones!
i laughed out loud while reading the latest news about skinny models being booted off the runways. how ludicrous can that be ?
as someone who is currently spending almost 24/7 working her ass off on fashion styling ( and running around like a dog ) , i believe i possess a little new-found authority to comment on this new set of rules that has taken effect on madrid and milan fashion shows.
so they are banning models with a BMI below 18. firstly my BMI is a shocking 14.5 but i'm as healthy as someone who is supposedly "healthier" with a normal BMI. working with models who are even skinnier than me has made me realised one thing- that most of them have appetites like a horse. everyone has a different metabolism and combined with genetic inheritance and natural body shape, of course the difference varies greatly from the obese to the malnutritioned looking ones like me. almost all the models i've worked with have partaken heartily in the unhealthy chow that the fashion team and the photographers dig. what anorexia ?! we're just naturally skinny ! ( its a plea, not a statement btw )
models are hired by designers and stylists to bring out the best in their designs. its the same concept as two slabs of sizzling prime-cut tenderloin. tenderloin A is looking pretty on a kate spate dinner plate with juicy baby carrots and a mound of mashed potato. tenderloin B is sitting unappetisingly on a hawker-centre style melanine plate. both tenderloins are sold at the same price. now which one would you choose?
people argue very few "real" women will ever fit into the clothes from the runway. firstly, what defines a real woman? someone with voluptuous curves or someone rail thin with non-existent boobies? let's say i design a gorgeous satin dress and it fits my model with a BMI of 13 fabulously. satin is a clingy material and it can either accentuate your figure or highlight the flaws. as a designer i definitely will not want someone full-figured like jessica simpson to showcase my dress, because the fabric will only cling hopelessly to her chunky thighs and people will be kept busy looking at the uglyness instead of the dress.
and one thing i wanna point out - clothes are seldom sold fresh from the catwalk. what will probably happen is that manufacturers from around the world will notice the trend and then re-create the look for the masses, from a size 0 to size 18.
models are skinny for another reason. models are walking clothes hangers. they are skinny for the same reason as the jessica simpson example. too curvy, and people will be kept busy with your curves instead of concentrating on the dress. face it : no pretty mini dress will look good on thunder thighs.
why is there a sudden spotlight on anorexic girls? why don't they focus instead on more worrying issues like soaring suicide rates caused by stress? if so, should they start banning exams as well?
i cannot believe that the minimum BMI is fucking 18 for a FASHION SHOW. i have nothing against the bigger sized people but 18 is really the BMI for fleshier people. for someone my height ( 1.65 m ) to have a BMI of 18, she would have to tip the scales at 50kg !! and at 50 kg, i'll definitely be blessed with butterfly arms and cellulite ridden butt cheeks unless i'm an athlete. no sane designer wants his chiffon tube dress with two flappers sticking out.
why don't people realise that everyone strives to look good? i think that's a good thing. i'm all for trying your best to look good, though not by unhealthy means of course.
i think its a big blow to the industry. its really too drastic a measure and instead of solving the problem, they're just sweeping it under the carpet by banning shit. ban every fucking lah, ban money also since it makes people rob and kill for it. ban love also lah, since it causes heartbreak. ban, ban every fucking thing !!
i'm glad that for now, the girls at castings at CLEO are still leggy women with shocking BMIs and a flat stomach. maybe one day the waif look will be taken over completely by the i-am-woman-hear-me-roar-while-my-CUP-D-breasts-shudder look and will the health advocates start singing to another tune then when girls start undergoing breast enhancements and whatnots to emulate the runway models?
p/s : if you're offended because you're big-boned, then i'm sorry but you're welcome to come over and tweak the nipples on my non existent breasts.
i've always always ALWAYS wanted to do this but fear of embarrasement ( and the fear that perhaps, i must be really quite mad ) always stopped me from doing so. today, i finally gave in to my innermost supressed desires when i suddenly realised that the office was empty and i was left on my own with an expensive scanner and a computer..you know you want to do it too. you know it !!!
--my bridget jones moment
i finally rented myself a copy of Bridget Jones Diary last night ( sundays are rest days ) and i LOVED IT !
i'm so into romantic comedies now.. whatever happened to the i-fucking-hate-mainstream-and-soppy-fluffy-dialogues movie buff !?!
so anyway. i had a Bridget Jones moment this morning on my way to work.
you know how sometimes there's a couple with hands entwined walking in your direction before you can quickly shove your ass aside and the moment when they have to ( very reluctantly ) untangle themselves so that they can make way for you?
i don't know why but i seem to share an affinity with the abovementioned situation.
and today it got a little more dramatic. just listen.
so there was this young happy lost-in-your-eyes couple with hooked pinkies ( now who the fuck holds pinkies ?! NO ONE ! okay.. i'm being bitter here ) just a few steps away from me and moving at dangerous speeds. i didn't have time to siam.
i have no idea why i have celine dion in my Ipod but there she was, yodelling her heart out.
and just as they unlatched their pinkies, they looked at each other with longing ( i swear ) and then simultanously giving me a pissed off look as i crossed their canal of everlasting love, celine dion just had to go
"ALL BY MYSELF.. DON'T WANNA BE.. ALL BY MYSELF!!!"
that moment was so sibei dramatic i tell you man. i almost laughed out loud at the sheer absurdity of it all. like what are the odds ?!
( all by myself is the theme song of bridget jones' diary )
damn fucking funny yet pathetic.
i sound like some teenybopper in this post.
wait. i AM a teenybopper :)
listening to : british sea power - remember me
still have been feeling a tad in the dumps, so i'm gonna compile a list of what makes me happy =)
1) a good DVD with english subtitles, because despite being quite the wordsmith i still cannot process accents thoroughly, especially british accents even though i have a love affair with the latter ( and i would have definitely gone through Trainspotting without understand a single word without the help of subtitles )
2) family gatherings. sundays at the grandma's always mean lip-smacking eatables from the aunties and excited young ones running around the house. the air of festivity is always there on sundays =)
3) a nice long quiet double-decker bus ride on rainy days and with the not-so-trusty ( fucking battery life ! ) ipod as a companion
4) telling myself that i am skinny, gorgeous , intelligent , smell nice , am fabulously fashionable and believing all of it.
5) comfort food ! pizza/chicken rice/steak/mashed potato/lamb chop/herbal soups
6) when you thought that he's too occupied with his work to ask you out, and then miraculously you receive an sms from him that goes "hey, doing anything later ??"
7) when you wake up with a good hair day, i.e no hair that sticks up at right angles.
8) when you wake up knowing what you want to wear
10) looking at my hamster sleep with four paws sticking up in the air
count your blessing before you whine !!
as the saying goes, if your best friends dislikes the person you're going out with, then it is almost guaranteed that there has got to be something wrong, somewhere.
i've learnt the lesson the hard way before, THRICE over. firstly it was qiang, the greatest love of my adolescent life. my best friend yan absolutely loathed my going ga-ga over him, her best friend instincts strong and pulsating with a life of its own. ( okay i know its really childish to have a "best friend" at the grand old age of 20 :p )
"FIONA FOR THE LAST TIME GET OVER HIM ALREADY! WHATS WITH ALL THE PLAYCATCHING AT YOUR AGE?!", yan often screamed those words at me whenever i went to her lamenting about my sad sad love life back then.
and she was right, of course. qiang and i never made it together. as an outsider she saw things much clearer than i did than from my rose-tinted perspectives. i can still remember very vividly the day it all came crumbling down, with me clutching my phone tightly with some very brutally honest messages from qiang, mascara-ed tears streaming down my face and yan crying with me ( though she laughed her head off at my stupidity 10 minutes later ) in macdonalds. "SEE I TOLD YOU THIS WILL HAPPEN LAH! DON'T BE SO DRAMA LAH!" she lashed at me before asking me for a dollar to buy soft drinks.
then came along mark and david. she wasn't that vehemently against the both of them, but she felt bad vibes from the two foreign objects she has never even seen before. sure enough, none of them lasted.
the only person whom she has approved of all these years since i knew her when we were both 16 was hunn. she liked him and couldn't stop singing his praises. though not surprisingly it didn't work out in the end, it ended amicably at least, and it was an extremely fulfiling time i spent with him while he was still around ( no he didn't die, he went overseas. i know you're reading this so don't get too swell-headed, hunn !! )
i don't know if this applies to men, but females as you all know have strong intuitions, and though it has failed me sometimes ( e.g failing to warn me about the wall i would walk into seconds later ), i can safely say that i can rely solely on my instincts to make an accurate ( up to 80% lah ) judgement of someone. now of course i'll get detractors about the previous statement since i shouldnt judge another based on face value but i'm not entirely attributing it to one factor alone. i don't know how to describe it in detail lah, its just like i have this equally amazing ability to "feel" whether a household has their television set on just by walking past their flats/houses. no shit !!
whats the word again..? oh yeah.. vibes. its like sometimes you see sweet young things with a face to die to for but yet you don't fancy them because they give out negative vibes. or how you'd never try out a new ice cream flavour even though it looks yummy enough because you somehow know that you wouldn't like the taste.
to be honest i'm not really sure if im making any sense at all or if i'm stringing my thoughts together coherently because its 2am and i am really fucking tired after an entire day of photoshoots.
--mind over matter
today, for the first time in my entire life, i walked into a church on my way home. there wasn't any particular reason why i did it. i didn't feel like praying nor did a vision suddenly converted me. i just felt compelled to, a strange force beckoning me to go beyond those fresco windows.
i sat down. no there wasn't sense of enlightenment, but it felt good sitting alone in the pew and having a conversation with myself. more of an atheist than a believer, i felt guilty for turning to religion only when i needed a pillar to lean onto. i didn't actually turn to religion but it was more like a i just need someone to listen to me
moment. it didn't matter if god existed. i did however, stared at the familiar body hanging off the crucifix and thought about life and how i would definitely be hurled into the eternal burning pit when i die, should hell really exist.
i walked out feeling slightly unburdened, the tears that were stinging my eyes previously were gone. someone once said that there is a limit to physical pain and suffering and once you have reached that point you'll find freedom. there is some truth to it after all. even though the process of earlobe piercing is a minor and relatively painless one, the phobia i have of it is one nobody would ever understand. thrice i had pierced them only to end up with infections days later. i have come to associate the piercing gun as a form of evil. but now that i have overcome my fear, i am overwhelmed by this sudden urge to explore, to find out the breaking point of my pain threshold. pain is transient, even more so with today's smorgasbord of drugs such as morphine. but fear cripples the soul. i don't know how some people can live with the mantra of "ignorance is bliss" when they fret themselves to near-death existence wondering if they were inflicted with some horrible disease when they haven't, just because they'd rather not know because they are too afraid to.
--have i been missed?
have been up to my neck in work this week. an avalanche of photoshoots and never-ending fashion sourcing assignments have kept me on my toes. i've also been mildly depressed ( not clinically kinda depressed but you know, the blues ). no actual reason why i should feel down but i felt so disconnected with myself mid-week that i took the day off on wednesday to do some soul-searching, and caught a movie, tony takitani, alone. ironic i chose to watch a film that revolves around solitude when i'm experiencing it first hand. as expected of most arthouse films, tony takitani was a surreal atmospheric one with rather interesting editing. and the soundtrack was awesome too.
though i've been lucky enough to date two wonderful characters in the past few months, it is something i'd never consider an actual relationship. i've never felt emotionally attached to david nor mark, and i think that i liked them because they just happened to be there to fill the void, though temporary. now that i've decided to stop seeing david because i simply don't feel any sense of longing for him, it's interesting to note that it doesn't feel that i've lost nor gained anything.
i think i'm desperate. i'm so desperate to fall in love, even if its one-sided. i miss the heartache, the increased sensories with every mere brush, the i-want-to-marry-this-man thoughts.
for awhile, i thought mark would be the one. then i realised that i liked him because he was good looking and cheeky. then, i thought david was perfect. he was extremely intelligent and lavished me generously. but that was all.
i had come to a conclusion that both "relationships" were purely physical. not quite such a bad thing since i liked spending time with them, but it left me emotionally wanting.
perhaps the loneliness that has been plaguing me for so long is an intended build-up to something intense.
i need to pull myself together because recently the most trivial of matters affects me so badly that i mull over it for days. and i shouldn't, really, because i'm lucky in every sense of the word except maybe in the love department.
right. so potential suitors, don't shy away. i promise u i am not hideous and i am mildly intelligent. :p
okay. moving on.
i may not be a fashion guru but i think i can damn well tell from a good outfit to a bad one.
i cannot place any more emphasis that prints and prints DO NOT go together. goodness. sometimes i see office ladies wearing a lined blouse with lined skirts, which is bad enough. but checkers and (ugly) camo prints ?! oh oh, and of course, lovely clean canvas shoes. magnifique!
CHIFFON PINK DRESS AND CHUNKY BOOTS ARE THE NEW BEAUTIFUL ! SPREAD THE WORD ! i shall not even mention her friend who apparently feels that she is very punk-rock chic. lol. bring our innocent 14 year olds back !! and yes i had to get nicho to pretend that i was taking a photo of him. hahaa.
more fashion boo-boos coming up =)
listening to : the postal service - be still my heart
and oh.. i finally pierced my ears after three years of procrastinating.
--oh shut up !
i slept at 4am last night and i woke up at 6pm just now. i have slept a grand total of 14 fucking hours ! i feel so refreshed yet there's this strange malaise plagueing me. must be too much sleep. but hey you can never have too much sleep when you have been surviving on 6 hours of sleep on average for the past fortnight.
so yesterday we headed to boat quay to celebrate yuan's birthday. goodness, that place is indeed a haven for lians and bengs. the tenants there were mainly little holes-in-the-walls blasting horrid mandarin KTV hits sung by aspiring little gangsters and a handful of expat beer-guzzling pubs.
on our way there, there was this fat balding expat with a trophy vietnamese hooker hung on his arm. they looked distressed while waiting for taxis that never came. i guess they can't wait to go home to transmit STDs to each other. there was a cab in the distance and i don't know if this local man standing a metres away from them was there first or not but since there is no written rule to taxi-flagging, obviously he attempted to flag it down. his reaction was met with audible protests from fat brown thing with the long rebonded hair, slinky cheap dress and 5 inch high platforms.
"oi! oi ! oi ! OI ! OI ! OI! TAXI IS MINE ! HERE ! HERE !"
oh, her outrage ! the wrath ! her partner in crime joined in unison, barking at the well-dressed local man who was about to board the cab. he looked at them in disgust, shook his head and waved the cab off. he was the eventual winner though.
before the obnoxious one-night only couple went into the cab, he gave them the finger flip !!
THAT'S THE WAY MY BOY !!
i was so delirious with joy i wanted to embrace this man.
these expats ( and their foreign fat flings ) ought to taught that they do not rule the world. i don't know how many times i've gotten pissed with david because of his i-am-american-hear-me-roar behaviour. like yesterday i was at his place for awhile and he was getting all excited about the launch of the space shuttle Atlantis and was watching it live on his laptop.
"another american breakthrough!", he gushed excitedly.
"yea yea.." i shrugged.
"so what have singapore done to contribute towards space technology?" he sniggered.
'oh, shut up. your country is so much bigger than mine so don't compare!!" i was really pissed off by then. as always when his arrogance rears its ugly head.
then thirty minutes later the launch was postponed and i found it an absolute delight to see his inflated yankee ego crumble.
"what the fuck.. what the fuck.." he mumbled under his breath sucking on his ciggarette forcefully.
--you rude piece of fuck !
so today we had a photoshoot and the photographer is this bigshot celebrity photographer. if you're worth your weight in entertainment gold you'd have heard of him.
so there was this little frail looking girl ( me ) with her hands full of clothes and without noticing she walked straight into a tripod. instead of voicing out any concern, mr bigshot hollered out from behind his expensive camera with the 15k lens and the works
"oi ! watch where you're going ! i just bought this tripod and its worth a few grand, okay !"
you smelly penis. so what if you have won a few stinky awards and have rubbed shoulders with zhang zi yi !?!!
fame is nothing but a piece of opaque fat that obscures all traces of humanity and humility from a person's behaviour.
am i the only one who gets really depressed over facts such as the sun dying out in 5 billion years ( and thus ensuring the end of the solar system ) and that earth will somehow fizzle out way before then due to pollution or asteroid encounters and the like ?
i'm thinking of taking up meditation. all of a sudden buddhism appeals very much to me.
i'm starving.. can't wait for lunch break in 20 mins time !
about the argument i had with david just now, well, things are kinda resolved for now. i guess it was a volatile cocktail of fatigue and the fact that my maternal grandma passed away made me really irritable and i flared up at him over his supposed increasing nonchalence.
ever since he came back from a 4 day working trip on thurs, i haven't seen him due to our work commitments. not only he didn't even attempt to make use of the little free time we have to meet up, when we had the whole day free today he actually preferred goin to Comex alone than asking me along and replying "i'm going home soon, you can drop by if you want" when i asked. which i think its highly insincere. i tried to pick a fight with him but i guess his years of maturity ( and a big deal of patience ) held him back from arguing with me and i felt really silly after waking up from a nap, refreshed and realising how rash i had been.
anyway. even though its all okay on the surface for now i know that the foundation has been shaken and we're not going to last for much longer. and the thought of it saddens me. i hope i'm not falling for him for many reasons, the biggest being i am still totally clueless about how he really feels about me. and
1) he has a moderately paunchy stomach. hairy too.
2) he is away at least once every two weeks for up to few days
2) he leaves dishes unwashed for days, weeks even in the sink
4) he doesn't comb his hair
5) he has zero sense of fashion in him. he actually wore this hideous combi of a red tee and green khaki pants once to town with me. AND he never irons his clothes. to think that he's dating a fashion writer. i can't bear to correct his dressing because i know he'll find it a drag.
6) he thinks that my profession is a joke and that magazines/fashion are pretentious nothings.
7) he is unfunny.
8) he is your typical brash american with the i-know-what-i-want-and-you-damn-well-give-it-to-me attitude which often rears its ugly head in restaurents because he wants nothing less than the best service etc.
9) his ex wife is a model-esque hot blonde and among his ex-girlfriends include an FHM pin-up girl.
10) he doesn't change the sheets despite countless reminders. every stain on it is a memory. ha! gross.
11) he doesn't smell ( thank god ) but he doesn't smell nice either since he doesn't use perfume. a big minus.
12) he is a racist. which is really ironic since he is half asian and he is dating an asian.
but despite all of these i find myself thinking about him every other nano-second. i don't know if its because he just happens to be there to fill this void mark left, or that i genuinely like him. sigh. i haven't seen him in a week already.
anyway finally caught the devil wears prada. trust me man i think its really exaggerated and blown to epic disproportions but then again of course our tiny magazine circulation is nothing compared to the millions commanded by U.S vogue/ cosmopolitan etc etc.
i'm so sleepy now after spending the day at the grandma's wake. never really got to know her since i only see her only once a year during chinese new year but i kinda miss this jolly grandmother i never spoke to ( she speaks only cantonese ). tomorrow is the 5th day of the funeral, which is the day of the cremation. just by thinking about it reminds me of my beloved grandpa and i know i'll definitely break down at the crematorium. i miss my grandpa =(
and now to bed i go.
--over and done
i read my sickly-sweet-dying-of-happiness entry posted just over a week ago and its unbelievable, the stark contrast of emotions between then and now.
david, or d as you all know him, and i have decided to call it quits. or rather, i suggested it.
i don't know how long this pseudo-relationship lasted this time. two months ?
i feel like absolute crap. i really wanted us to work out so badly.