orgasmic hamsters

orgasmic hamsters






Saturday, April 30, 2005

Shisha , sheesha , hookah. Whatever.

After hearing just about everyone rave about the joys of Sheesha for the past few months , i finally had the chance to experience it myself today.

Sheesha is , for all ye homo ignoramus , is a water pipe filled with tobacco , usually smoked unadulterated in the Middle East but very often flavoured locally for some reasons unknown and yes IT IS LEGAL.

Why Sheesha when we can always get our daily tobacco fix from cancer sticks sold at daylight-robbery prices in palm-sized cardboard boxes ?

Well , the difference is ( from what i've heard ) , Sheesha is tar-free and thus it is much healthier ( however we all know that too much of a good thing is bad . USER DISCRETION ADVISED )

And it is a social activity as groups huddle around the pipes , passing the tube around for each person to inhale it and yeah basically one tube is shared among a group and if you have an obsession with personal hygiene and go around carrying bottles of disinfectant with you , chances are , you'll start foaming from your mouth and die from the spasms that ensue.


Met up with Wan , Fee , Samantha and Meili @ Arab Street where we settled down at this coffeeshop lookalike ( the prices of the food are NOT coffeeshop prices though. You have been warned . ) , looking like pariahs and vagabonds begging for food sitting on the badly worn carpet by the roadside.

Oh.. I couldn't help but wonder how filthy the carpet was , considering the number of people who had sat / spilled stuff / spat / farted / puked on it before.

Oh man , the weather has been obnoxious these days , and fuck , being the spoilt singaporean brats we all were , starting perspiring like stuck pigs within a few minutes.

The Sheesha ( or Bongs) arrived , and i was quite skeptical about it because i still did not understand the hype behind it as Wan explained that unless you smoke the entire 45 min's worth of Sheesha , you wouldn't be able to derieve the so-called kick unlike ciggs and alcohol and i was sorely disappointed.

So i asked him a simple question

"So why the FUCK are we smoking Sheeshas for ?!"

Wan scratched his chin thoughtfully and said

"Just for the flavour , lor. "


We had chosen a Rose ( ha ha , turkish delight geddit ?! ) flavour for our Sheesha and if the only reason other than catching up on gossip was to taste the ooh-so-exquisite taste of Rose , i think i'll have Bandung , thanks.

Okay enough of my ranting already , its largely due to disbelief lah , me Sheesha virgin you know ?

I had the honour of taking the first drag from the poorly concealed PVC tube and i was encouraged to take a really looooooooooooooong drag to make the most out of it.

Fee urged

"Suck it hard until you can hear the water inside the Sheesha rattling !"

Like a donkey i did just that and ...

I felt nothing.

I took a second drag and tarik-ed it just as i would a cigg .

Nothing but the sickly sweet smell of Rose rushing into my throat and out permeating the air, making me almost gag .

I gave up on it and went to attack my super large serving of chicken wrapped in arabic bread ( arabic my ass , don't try to bluff just cus' i newbie hor. IT IS PLAIN PITA BREAD DAMN IT ! )

And the chicken filling inside the pseudo-arabic bread didn't taste exotic either .

It reminded me of one of the dishes served at your nearest Zap Chai Peng ( it literally translates to Ten Vegetables Rice ) stall at your friendly neighbourhood kopitiam.

So yeah , we chilled ( actually no , we were sweating like stuck pigs remember ) and passed the Sheesha tube around as we gossiped about the happenings @ SSP but i stopped sucking the flavoured air just 5 minutes after the Sheesha arrived because the "scent" of the rose was so artificial and pungent that it made me nauseous just by smelling it as the rest exhaled it and also it left a funny dry sandpaper-like sensation in my throat during my few puffs of it.

Overall , my Sheesha experience was a bad one , but i must agree that it makes a good conversation piece and excellent for chit-chat sessions and gatherings. ( Cheaper than Starfucks or whatever coffee chain too , since its like $12 for one Bong that lasts about an hour so if you have a group of 5 .. Aiya , you do the math ! )

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Meili looking bewildered .


listenin to : marilyn manson - sweet dreams


Friday, April 29, 2005


skin to skin
memories of which lingers--
your palm swift on my cheek.

were never fufilled.
gallivanting motherfucker

single , you said.
whose lips were you kissing
two days ago ?

Okay okay so Haikus are supposed to be sweet lil' packets of words meant to depict beauty and stuff and mine isn't exactly really what true haikus are supposed to be like so please do not learn from me.

Oh and by the way.

Why is it why men love declaring themselves as single to girls whom they've just met even though they're still very in love with their current girlfriend ?

I presume that in this way , they still can get to be with their girlfriend and at the same time enjoying flirting with someone else.

Ego-boosting i guess ?

I hate scriptwriting.

Good night.


listening to : Lin Jun Jie - Jian Jian Dan Dan


Thursday, April 28, 2005

of small eyes and goatees


Had an extremely tiring but enjoyable time @ China Black yesterday with Yan , and a few others like Li'en , Bong and even Chee was there too ( Sneaky , sneaky ! )

The highlight of the night was definitely when the bartenders clambered onto their bar-tops to perform an impromptu bar-top dance , something which NEVER happened before , not at least at Black , and i couldn't take my eyes off my favourite bartender , who was this Nakata-lookalike guy with very small eyes and *shrieks* a cute goatee !


Needless to say, i got my drinks from him the whole night long !

Speaking of clubbing , i feel the need to address the issue of picking up girls from clubs.

It is one thing to have lame and cringe-inducing pick-lines like "Hi miss , you're very familiar.." but it is another to just stick your handphone into my face without saying anything .

And you expect me to key in my number for you ?? Dream on.

How very bloody downright rude.

Oh , and this guy old enough to be my father with a head full of white hair ( and his equally old friends ) also tried his luck with me and Yan and we had a good laugh about it on the way home because it was just so damn wrong , man !

They even had the balls to ask us to "Join them at Devil's Bar later.."

Hum-sup .

The worst happened when the white-haired guy clambered up onto the podium where i was at and tried to dance with me !!


Machiam paedophile you know ??

Yan , being the darling that she was , moved away from the podium and told me to have a good time with my "sugar-daddy" and when i tried to go after her , the old man actually grabbed my hand and refused to let me go !

I could have slapped him right there and than !

Luckily a fellow clubber on the podium came to my rescue by pretending we knew each other by whispering gibberish into my ear and then swopping places with me in one swift movement.


I've never believed in making friends at clubs because i have yet to shake off this mindset that guys who try to pick up girls only have one intention on their minds.

And thats definitely not to make friends.

I know many guys would protest :p

To XYZ who left a comment in my previous post : Heh , sorry , i guess this post explains it all eh ! :D

Ooooooh yah before i forget.

I must salute this girl who was the lone dancer on the dance floor during the earlier hours at the club .

She was er , abit on the heavier side and had a , erm , a unique dress sense ( a full length white skirt and a PINK top adorned with flowers ) and Miss twinkle-toes was doing some sort of a salsa-like dance complete with twirling and pirouettes.

And yes , just about everyone had their eyes glued on her and yea , basically just laughing at her and sad to say i was one of them .

But come to think of it , this girl has something that everyone that night lacked -


To be able to perform a one-man show on an empty dance floor with everyone watching and knowing very well you're not exactly Miss Universe material nor dance like Wade Robson takes guts.

Alot of guts.

You have balls , girl.

I'm sorry i laughed at you.


For the first time in a long while i am going to spend the entire day at home today !! Firstly , i have to complete my draft for my scriptwriting project , secondly my legs ache like hell and lastly , i want to get into my dad's good books because he was damn pissed with me yesterday for coming home at 4am and he actually locked me out for a good 30 mins before unlocking the bloody gate.

Cheeeers dad. You're the best.

Thanks for making me sit on the doorstep like an idiot while my legs were aching , drenched in perspiration and feeling slightly whoozy from all those drinks and fatigue.

By the way its amazing how one can act completely sober when in front of your parents.

I remember the last time i came home piss drunk and had to be carried home by HH , the moment my dad opened the door ( it came as quite a shock cus i didn't expect him to be home ) i suddenly found my legs and could stand up without HH's help and was able to converse coherently with my dad and answer his questions intelligently when just a few moments before i was still talking in an alien language to HH and laughing away for no rhyme nor reason.

Ah. Behold the power of parents.


Exploding toads !!!

I wonder what would happen if humans were inflicted with it ..

Exploding humans ?

Damn i have a cruel mind.


listenin to : sixpence none the richer - kiss me


Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Hi , we're F4 !

If you thought that F4 was a bad enough name for a band ( or a boyband , to be more precise ) , think again.

In a world where bands are dime a dozen , you would have to really stand out to make your mark , and although playing exceptionally good music is one sure way to be in the limelight , why not take the easier way out by naming your band with a bizarre name thats bound to catch attention ?

Just when i thought band names couldn't get any more weird when i saw the albums of Super Furry Animals at HMV , Tre had to send me a song from Modest Mouse.


I decided to do a quick check on the WWW and discovered that those names are tame compared to these !!!

Accidental Goat Sodomy

A Cat Born in an Oven isn't a Cake

The Albino Toilet Boys

Anal Genocide

Ancient Chinese Penis ( LOL I LIKE THIS ONE )

The Archbishop's Enema Fetish

Big Fat Pet Clams From Outer Space

Bleeding Rectum

Clitoris That Thought It Was a Puppy

Daddy's Got the Biggest

The Dead Bodyguards of Abraham Lincoln

Hitler Stole My Potato

HIV and the Positives

If Pigs Could Talk Would You Still Eat Them ( All in good time i guess ! )

James, What Are We Gonna Call Our Band? ( strictly for the uncreative haha )

Menstrual Gravy ( wth ?! )

Nearly Died Laughing While Shaving My Butt

Orgy With Pigs

Painful Discharge

Psychic Buddist Gorillas

Soothing Sounds For Baby

They Tried To Frame OJ ( Haha a wise crack to OJ Simpson )

This is Serious , Mom


Touch Me Again and I'll Break Your Arms

Van Gogh's Ear ( LOL !! For the clueluess , Van Gogh's an artist who cut off his own ear )

The Yams from Outer Space

Ayatollah Mama Please


Being the lame ass that i usually am , i decided to come up with a few myself -

The Lactacting Albino Hamsters

Lee Kuan Yew and His Motley Crew

Nathan Goes Jalan

The Mama-Shop boys

The Tampenis Rapist

Garfield and The Sterilised Neighbourhood Cats

Preservated Anal Poo ( also known as the PAP )

John Culler and the Crows

The Holy Caucasians

The Bangala Who Looked At Me

Lousy Rusty Trains ( also known as the LRT )

The Expensive Kachang Puteh

Horny Convent Girls

The JooChiat Cheekopeks

The Study-Mama who Gave me a Massage

Jacintha Abishnagan and The Unprounciables

I Gave her Money , She Gave me AIDS

The Far East Plaza Wannabes

Road Rage Menace

The Summons from Aunty Fatimah

The Milo Champs

The Ah Soh Who wore a Bikini


Hehehe. Feel free to add on to the list !

Cocco Latte/ China Black here i come !!! Bye folks !



Tuesday, April 26, 2005

caught in the act

Was smoking ( a stick of Marlboro lights courtesy of S ) while trying to come up with a credible plot for my scriptwriting project ( which is a really major one but its still sitting pretty under my ass ) when all of a sudden , MY DAD OPENED THE DOOR.

What the hell .. he wasn't supposed to be at home ! Damn !

He has mastered the skill of entering the house discreetly , which is NOT to my advantage.

Imagine him coming home only to see a stark naked guy staring at him , and his precious daughter..... well , you get the idea.

On his bed some more ! Hiak hiak hiak.

LOL ! ( This purely a figment of my imagination. I won't be so silly as to .. You know . )

I was so kan jiong , i contemplated between flicking out the cigg out of the window and holding it behind my back but the former would be too obvious and besides my cigg flicking skills isn't honed yet.

Imagine it hitting on a window grille and rebounding !


In a split second , i decided to fuck both the decisions and dropped it on the floor .

All these while retaining eye contact with my dad who was giving me a short lecture about my sky-high handphone bills.

I rolled back and forth on my computer chair , and extinguished it with the wheels lest my dad decides to continue with his preaching and the smoke would definitely get to him.

I have never been so kan jiong for so such a long time man !

Can't imagine what would remain of me if my dad catches me red-handed puffing away.

I'll probably be chained to the kitchen stove for the rest of my life.

on a more personal note..


Have you ever had a bad day and wanted to talk to someone about it , but couldn't because everyone seem to be so busy ?

Or rather , the only person you want to have a nice long chat with is busy.

I feel so ignored.

Yea , maybe i guess my hamsters are my best friends after all , since they are there 24/7 and are unable to piss you off with snide comments or unhelpful advice.

I don't know if that particular someone would be reading this but i just want to say ..

I feel like one of your many trophies in your display cabinet.


Was supposed to study with my classmates but as expected , it flopped and most of the time was spent chatting and we even cut short the session to go shopping , which was a flop as well because we were all just so tired.

I was so tired that the moment i reached home i fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up until 11.30 which means i stood someone up .. I'm sorry !!!!

Btw i noticed that this post has many grammatical errors but i can't be bothered to rectify it.


I am so suffering from acute writersblockticitis.


listening to : frankie J - Don't wanna try



I've never been a big fan of sushi , thats why i've never exceeded more than a not-so-impressive record of 10 plates @ Sakae's buffet meal unlike Zenth whose record was 16 plates !

I think its becoming an unhealthy ( both to the customer in terms of his increasing girth and to the restaurent in terms of financial loss lol ) trend to stack up the empty dishes to form long colourful columns and then taking photos with it , usually that of a madly grinning girl craning her neck to be as close to the plates as possible , not to forget a mandatory kawaii-neh pose thrown in for good measure.

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I don't know who the hell are they , just some random pic i found off the WWW. Everyone now .. WOW ! 23 plates sia !!!!! *GASP* like , i am so impressed.

I wonder who the hell kicked off that trend because while eating @ Sakae earlier , i walked past a few tables and they all had plates stacked up and i tried my best not to stare because by doing so i would have achieved their goal of getting someone elses' attention.

Elementary , my dear Watson.

By the way , i think Sakae has one of the best deals for buffet , and their sushi is quite decent too.

But oh , stacking up empty plates is like so passe now , girlfriend ! ( in a falsetto gayish voice )

Now , cheap thrill-seekers like me and Ros will stop at nothing to feel that buzz to escape unscathed after doing something stupid.

If any of you happened to be Sakae @ The Heeren today and almost died from eating that innocent piece of Salmon sushi due to an overdose of wasabi , look no further.

The culprit is here :p

No words can describe that immense feeling of satisfaction each time we managed to sneak a plate of "pimped up" sushi back onto the revolving belt and glueing our eyes onto that plate , looking out for that unfortunate moron who will eventually discover it.

But no such luck , haven't got the chance to see anybody actually biting into one of them wasabi timebombs yet. lol.

Its an acquired skill , to be able to spread such a thick layer of wasabi on that small ball of rice and yet still manage to render it inconspicuous under such a thin slice of raw salmon and to get it back onto the belt without anyone noticing.

I know.. i'm lame.

But cheap thrills don't get anywhere cheaper than that :p

Oh.. a word of caution to all ye spitters out there.

I laughed my ass off when i was at Ros' place watching TV in the evening with her bro and sis when suddenly her bro coughed and after a series of gross throat-clearing noises that sounded like a regurgitating mother penguin later , he spat.

Not into a tissue , but onto the carpet !!!

He didn't realise it for two seconds and then he exclaimed

"Fuck ! I forgot i'm at home !!"

LOL !!!!!!!

What the hell !!

He actually forgot that he was at home and since he was so used to spitting everywhere and anywhere outside , he took his bad habit home.

Even more disgusting was , he was too lazy to clean up after his dirty deed so he went to get a dog biscuit and placed it on the wad of phlegm on the carpet , and yes , his dumb dog ate everything.

And i mean everything.


the most boring post in the world

I looked at the wall facing me for a few moments and suddenly my cheek itched so i raised my hand to my cheek and scratched it with my index finger before lowering my hand back to its original position after the itch has been alleviated and i continued looking at the wall.


Monday, April 25, 2005

food for thought

Women can fake orgasms .

But men can fake entire relationships.


Saturday, April 23, 2005

la di dum

Some customers are a menace.

On friday , this asshole made me super duper pissed when he marched up to my counter just when i was taking a breather from the non-stop stream of crowd and barked at me in the most condescending way possible

"Can someone clear my table now ?"

No "please" , no "thank you" , no nothing.

He had this what-the-fuck-do-you-think-you-are-doing-instead-of-clearing-my-table expression.

Kan ni nah !!!!

So i went to his table and cleared it resentfully.

It didn't end there.

He came back to order his drinks and while he was still in the queue , his mom came up and making sure that her voice was loud enough for it to be within my earshot , said to him

"Why nobody clean our table har ?? Still dirty leh."

The son gave me a murderous glance that focused on me and replied , in an even louder voice.


I rolled my eyes and trudged back to the table with a cloth and guess what.

The tiniest flake of crossaint crumb stared at me and it was alone.


I swear it wasn't dirty at all apart from that tiny miniscule crumb.

I really wanted to flick my cloth at that mother-and-son pair.

He was a fugly local in his early forties and totally looked the part of a mummy's boy , his old-looking rag-like tee tightly tucked into his super short bermudas and the ghastly combination of cheapo leather shoes with loose white socks .

They left me really moody for awhile and as i chewed my cud , suddenly this Japanese customer walked up to me and placed a tray laden with empty cups and plates on my counter and bowing slightly , he thanked me and left before i could say anything.

What a stark contrast !!!!

I'm tellin ya , a simple thank you really makes a world of a difference.

Would your mouth be stricken by some flesh-eating disease after thanking me when i return you your change or clear the tables for you ?

Or returning me a greeting or in the very least , a smile when i greet you ?

I have seen some locals roll their eyes when i greet them.

But i'm glad to report that courtesy is becoming a trend nowadays in locals so yeah.. it ain't THAT bad.


It was painful to work on a fri when you think about all the fun you will be missing out as you slog.

11pm felt so far away.

In a strange turn of events , i didn't meet up with Ros and Co. @ Zouk after all and ended up meeting E and woahhhh.

Club-hopping on a friday night sial.

First stop was Double-O where i embarrassed myself because the minimum age for ladies on Fri is 21 and we didn't realise it until the door bitch asked for my IC and she informed me apologectically about the house rule.

Sua lor..

So we headed to Liquid Room next and to be honest i was quite apphrehensive about it because i wasn't sure if i would like the music and Dav told me that there was some sorta DJ spinning competition going on.

Cutting queues never felt more fun when we just entered without paying and queuing as E frequents there , or so he denies.

The crowd was sort of all grown up and executives there for a night of partying after all those number-crunching and paperwork and it was damn crowded balls !

Didn't hang around there for long , we left after finishing my jug of Vodka red bull ( which surprisingly was pleasant on the palette but eh packed quite a punch ! ) and his booze .

Drove to China black where we went in for free again ( i think ) and cutting the queue because his friend was a member .

Ahhhhh. Good ol' China black.

First thing i saw was Scott the Giant dancing away on the ledge and I greeted a few familiar faces like Esther , Bong, etc.

We continued drinking ,the world around me started to revolve and everything was pleasantly hazy and whatever that happened after that was a whirl and its coming back to me in bits and pieces. ( liquor , ciggs and fatigue = memory loss )


Vodka Red bull has found a new fan -

ME !


listening to :

megadeth - something i'm not

p.s : Be smart guys !! if you're a blogger user , always remember to SAVE what you have typed before posting because Blogger has been screwing up frequently nowadays which results in lost posts.

Don't say i never warn you har !


Thursday, April 21, 2005

of parents and weddings

Got the shock of my life when my mom called me just now and told me that she will be having a small wedding dinner next month.

Yep.. She is getting married..

But not to my dad.

I don't know why it stunned me so much that i was left fumbling for words because it has been quite some time since i learnt that my mom was already legally married to Uncle Ben and when i finally found my tongue , it came out sounding all weird.

"Oh really ? Congrats mom .. *pauses* may you have a long blissful marriage ahead and urm.. *pauses* zhao shen gui zi ?"

To this my mom laughed it off and said that she was already too old to try for another one and that i will be burdened with the task of taking care of her in her twilight years.

I didn't find it very funny actually .

While others are busy taking family photos or springing up surprises for their parent's wedding anniversaries , i am attending my mom's wedding ??


Now now , don't get me wrong , i'm not some bitter kid who resents such shit because i have lived with the fact all my life .

Come to think of it , the rainbow program back in primary school was a big joke man , i don't understand the fuss made by the educational board to provide counselling to those kids with single parents.

It didn't help.

In fact , trudging out whenever annoucements are made for "the rainbow kids to please come up and meet your teachers" made me feel more awkward than ever , especially when curious classmates start probing you about what on earth the rainbow program is for.

And then when you tell them patiently for the umpteenth time , they will become wide-eyed and go "What happened to your parents ?"

Talk about childhood trauma. Lol.


I'm definitely not looking forward to attending my mom's wedding , to face all the relatives who will give me sympathetic glances ( which was what they did during CNY )

Fuck off la , save your sympathies !

This is a wedding , not a funeral , assholes.

And soon , it will be my dad's turn to get married.

Bad case of deja vu ?

Very likely.


Can you imagine .. My younger sister/bro being almost 20 years younger than me.

I would probably feel the urge to breast-feed should i carry her.

( its true that infants are very smart lil things , they know when it is a boob when it is next to them. i carried JJ's 3 month old once and while i was unaware its tiny face turned towards my boob and it was damn funny la to see her looking for a nipple to suckle on because her mouth kept moving around but i had my bra on of course )



Now that i have gotten over the initial shock , it is time for me to go back to bed.

G'night , folks.


murphy's law

What do you get when you get two stubborn bulls on a bridge so narrow that only one can pass through ?

They duel and in the end both fall off the bridge..

..... and into the abyss.

If only one one them was courteous enough to let the other pass but no , pride got the better of their judgement and they chose to insist to have the right of way and it ended up in a tragedy.


Was looking forward to clubbing with the girls because its ( scream girls , scream ! ) LADIES' NITE !

Then some irreversible shit happened and the entire thing got called off.

Oh well. So much for the anticipation.

Yan dropped by my place just as i woke up and as usual she made a mess out of my place , her trail of destruction marked by the crumbs of chips and it included my bed , much to my horror.

The current hot topic between us now is rape , for some personal ( and too explicit ) reasons i cannot disclose.



After confirming that my night isn't going to turn out as expected , E ever so kindly took me out for coffee @ Siglap after learning of my predicament and for the rest of the night i found myself sipping on some sort of liquid most of the time.

No wonder my bladder was filled to the capacity.

Headed to this al-fresco chillout place below the Liquid room after supper @ Newton circus ( had a plate of Hokkien mee that looked quite .. erm.. charred. ) , forgot the name la. I think it was The Sound Bar.

Or was it Sound Buzz ?

The ambience was great , found the decorative lights that hung on the trees a bit too tacky for my liking though.

E , you heng ah no road blocks or i think you'll fail the breathlyser test.

Thanks a big bunch =)

Okay this has been a very irrelevant post .. Good night all !

By the way..

Right , i'm too slow in addressing this topic but..


I laughed my ass off when i looked at the measures the gahmen took to prevent addiction .

Like imposing a levy and the rights to ban someone at risk of addiction .

I say , why not station psychologists at the entrances to diagnose every single person that passes thru' the gates , just in case that person is inclined to be addicted ??


How about setting the minimum bet to a whopping US$1000 so that small time punters ( those usually more at risk of addiction ) will be put off ??


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

i sin , therefore i am condemned

Religion is indeed baffling.

In most religions i have come across , wrongdoings will guarantee you a a permanent residence in Hell.

From a christian's POV , it is called sin.

"All sinners go to hell" , they claim.

This statement scares me no end , because its undeniable that everyone has sinned before in some way.

Yes , that includes you.. you and YOU !

We are all going to sizzle in hell.

Besides , what is sin ??

It is so subjective.

To the extremely pious , even just by looking at a woman and going "woah nice legs" , a sin has been commited.

I dare say even the holiest of the holiest have entertained such undesirable thoughts before.

And then there is Buddhism.

This is a bit more tricky to explain .

Excerpt from a website

"all that is created is impermanent, subject to alteration and change,

and being such, all impermanent things are inherently a state of ill-being.

this being so, it is not fitting to say that which is ill that am I, that is mine, that is my self.

do I understand?

every iota of everything is just make-believe fiction

and none of it exists in truthand when this is seen as the way things truly are

then that is the end of all anguish and the end of the continuation of what never existed in truth to begin with"


Sibei cheem.

Its like saying..

I am neither here nor there.

I am neither unconscious or conscious.

I am neither sleeping or awake.

Geddit ??


Hit the musuems with Nic again and this time , we check out the Asian Civilisations Musuem @ Empress place.

Boy , that place damn high-class lor !

Think dimmed lights , parquet flooring , soft piped in music and cleaners furiously polishing glass at every corner.

And as usual , the ambience was extremely eerie.

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Fiona the tourist.

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And no , contrary to popular belief , it's not pregnant.

Upon closer inspection , this lump of fat here has no nipples and has two furry balls the size of grapes swinging near its ass :P

This obscenely obese tomcat here is always lurking around the NPC near the golden mile food centre @ Beach road , so do give him a nice scratch behind his ears when you're in the vicinity.

By the way , to all of you who keeps nit-picking at how small and boring our little sunny island is , BALLS TO YOU !

You probably have that narrow mindset because Orchard road is your only destination on weekends.

Believe me when i say that there is so much to see and do right here if you're willing to sweat and walk around.

I was really quite taken by surprise when Nic and I walked around aimlessly trying to find Sungei road from Bugis and we ended up in Little India just by crossing a small neighbourhood that feels like its trapped in another era.

Too much has been happening in my life recently.

So many things to do , so little time.

So much to explain to some people.


listening to : iron maiden - hallowed be thy name



Overhead while queueing up at Burger King ( they have this mic where they scream their orders into ) :

One mushroom swiss burger , no mushroom and no cheese. ( The server almost died trying to keep his laughter under keeps)

Requested by a local housewife-lookalike while i was working :

One latte , no milk .


Sunday, April 17, 2005


I never knew that some parts of my body existed until mosquitos bit them .

For examples , between my toes and behind my ankles.

It amazing how mosquitos are seemingly able to penetrate through clothes and even solids ( i have a bite under my ring ) .

But i guess mosquitos found in Tekong wins hands down.

I've heard that even though the recruits are fully attired in their No.4s ( YUM ) , they still end up being live feeding posts for the mosquitos.

Some even found bites on their feet , even when they are wearing boots that weigh a tonne and is designed to withstand the elements and harsh terrain ( but is hapless against mosquitos ) . *gasp*

They are not called Commando Mosquitos for nothing !



She came , she drank , she threw up.

Countless random sms-es containing ridiculous content to random people and the regurgitation of dinner later , she came to one conclusion :

She hates beer. Period.

I don't know why la , but beer never fails to make me puke.

Happy birthday Gracie =)


Saturday, April 16, 2005

i am a someone's else catalyst for love !

I feel so immensely proud of myself for playing the accidental cupid today while at work.

I was serving this lady who is obviously from China , her heavily accented mandarin confusing me with every curl of her tongue as she spoke.

It wasn't very hard to decipher what she wanted because beyond the barriers of language ( not that i couldn't speak mandarin , but hers was too cheem for me to comphrehend ) , fingers come in handy.

She pointed to the Chocolate fudge cake on display, i did the same , she nodded and we both understood each other perfectly without uttering a word.

Then came the difficult part.

I tried to speak to her in what i perceive to be standard mandarin

"Xiao jie , qin wen ni yao he she me ?" ( Miss , what would you like to drink ? )

She gave me a puzzled look and hesitated for a while before replying

"Wo yao Xue Bi" ( I want Xue Bi )

My immediate reaction was ..


I did a direct translation in my mind and i figured that "Xue" is Ice and so i came to the conclusion that she wanted an ice-blended drink

"Ni yao Ice-Blended shi ma ?" ( You want ice-blended drink is it ? )

I could almost see question marks oozing out from her hair follicles and floating away in puffs.

"Bu bu , wo yao Xue Bi" ( No no , i want Xue Bi )

Nabei , i don't know what the fuck is Xue Bi lah !!

I turned to ask my collegue and decided that he won't be much help since he is a malay.

I decided to try asking her again

"Xue bi shi bu shi ice blended ? Na ge shi you bing de ka fei" ( Is Xue Bi an ice blended drink ? An ice blended drink is coffee with ice )

She was visibly pissed and shook her head violently

"Bu bu bu wo yao de shi yi ping Xue Bi"

Cockanathan lah !!

A queue was already forming behind her yet we're still at square one .

Then came Mr.Suave who was standing behind her in the queue

"Xue bi is Sprite"


I retrieved a can of Sprite from the fridge and dangled it in front of her and she nodded happily.


As i keyed in her order , i heard Mr.Suave saying

"Which part of China are you from ?"

I was thinking .. "Wah lao , what a lame pick up line.."


They were so caught up in their own little conversation that i had to wave her change in front of her before she noticed that the cashier ( ME ) was still alive.

She went away, he ordered his stuff from me and i couldn't help but notice that HE JOINED HER AT HER TABLE AFTER THAT !

They were still chatting happily together after i knocked off from work and i certainly hope that they have exchanged numbers.

You see ah , without my timely intervention they prolly wouldn't have met !!

Without my extremely poor command of good chinese ( or rather , my poor commend of Mainland lingo ) , he wouldn't have the chance to play nosey parker and impress her :D

Just call me the Cupid Barista :D


listening to :

the cure - tainted love


Joke of the day :

Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass: Anyone got a cock?

All men rose.

Priest : I meant anyone seen a cock?

All women rose.

Priest : I mean anyone seen my cock?

All nuns rose.


Thursday, April 14, 2005

trigger happy people

Alright guys i'm back with a full account of my lovely wednesday !

Finally met up with Nic after our last musuem trip a few months ago and hell , we did have fun !

First stop was the Singapore History musuem where they had a exhibition going on that featured the works of local designers and their miniature wedding dresses on Barbies.

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I like this one ! Simple , understated elegance.

Would have loved to take more photos of the exhibition if not for the fact that photography's prohibited and nosey curators hot on our trail. Bleahhhhhhhhhh.

There wasn't much going on at the SHM as its main building's undergoing renovation and basically we just refreshed our knowledges on what we already know about our local history. Still , i liked it. hehehehe.

After gettin out of the SHM , the cam-whore in us took over and it was insanity from then on !

Sufferin from a bit of a writer's block no thanks to the endless amount of writing and editing i'm doing for XXX magazine ( decided not to disclose the name of the mag here as i want to rant all i want about their management LOL ) . You won't believe how atrocious the language of some singaporeans are , judging from the reader's letters i'm supposed to edit and type before it can appear on the the mag .

A sterling example ( couldn't help but copy its contents into my HP when i read it )

Dear XXX Magazine

I am a new reader and i have fellen in love with you magezine ! I love the pieces of the fashion session , the clothes are really beautiful and i will really buy it. Can you please tell me where i can find agnes.b in here ?? i think their bags are beautiful. thank and keep up the good work !

yours sincerely ,


Since it was compulsory for them to attach their particulars with their letters , i looked at her particulars and found out that she was a local !!!

Totally unforgivable.

Okay i digress.

Here are the photos.

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The famous bunch of figures that used to stand guard outside the SHM building. And me ? Almost famous. Almost.

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Being touristy. Yeah , that done-to-death touristy pose.

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I just couldn't resist ; he just couldn't refuse.

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Astroboy. Malnourished mannequin. Oblivious passerby.

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Come on now ! You're almost there !

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Curves , lines and tarmac

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Sir Fioford Tanffles

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chug-chugging from another era

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don't you just love the amazing contrast ? Awesome.

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Pseudo-Victorian lamp post.

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Don't ask.

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A dunce hat will definitely complete this picture

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The others have arrived. Ohmygawd this is like my favourite shot ever.

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Sneakers , slippers , lone leaf

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don't you just find my pose nauseating ? hahaha

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postcard-pretty? not .

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I don't understand why this skyline is used by ambassadors to potray us because just about every developed country has one so similar to ours. No shit.

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textures. ?

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she deserves a tight slap.

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Reversi was the word of the day and Nic and i spent like 3 hours over a few rounds that had us both wiping sweat off our brows as we struggled to outwit each other. LOL. And then the Himbo and Bimbo in us reared their ugly heads. :D

It was goodbye after that but not for long for the Singapore Arts Fest and Singapore film fest are commencing soon and there are just so many to see and do , but so little time !

Do check out the SFF guys .. there is really so much more than conventional , run-of-the-mill movies you find at cinemas.

Went for a lil' tour with Kerwin on his bike which left my bum really sore because his was a sports bike and bloody hell the pillion seat so high lor !

By the way did i mention that it was my virgin ride ?? :D

Was extremely nervous especially around bends but it wasn't long before i caught the hang the hang of it though i still get the jitters when we come to sharp bends.

Really shiok leh , to feel the wind on your face and travelling at such a speed without a cover over your head.

We headed to Seletar reservoir park where we snooped around the carpark for awhile to catch the couples making out in their cars ( ooh , naughty naughty ! ) . Actually it was really obvious that hanky-panky was going on as the engine was still running in some of the stationary vehicles and one even had newspapers pasted over its windows. LOL.

After that , i satisfied my curiosity by going around Geylang to see women plying their trade and Hum-Sup men loitering around the area.

It was appalling to see scantily clad women being paraded around by their pimps as if they were tupperware

"Come and take your pick ! Come and take your pick ! Take whoever you like home !"

I felt really sorry for them , to have lost all sense of dignity and pride at such a young age.

Though some of them looked quite tubby , most of them were actually quite pretty but all of them shared the same traits : Long brown rebonded hair , really thick make up and they love black .

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Looking really odd on the bike responsible for my sore ass. I know , the helmet is huge on my puny head.

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Mr Safety rider ! Note that he has extremely HAIRY hands. Chee , you have met your match.

Thanks to Kerwin for riding safely.. Have fun in the army ..... :P

OKay one last thing before i sign off ..

This stupid clumsy ah lian stepped on my foot while i was in the toilet at Orchard MRT !


Apparently the heel burst a blood vessel in my foot because there was this patch of blood under my skin that appeared moments after .


And now , i have a big ugly bruise on my foot.


listening to : last days of april - aspirins and alcohol



Sorry i couldn't make it to Rouge today .. Was still feeling the effects of sleeping at 6 am .. Hope you had fun !! :D


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

a day in the life of a barista

A barista is , for all ye ignoramus , is just a glamourised title for cheap labour whose job is not , as the name suggests , just to ensure that the coffee you drink is palatable or that the expresso in that dainty porcelain cup has a crema golden in hue.

We mop , we sweet , we brush muffin crumbs off the table after you have left.

But actually , i really enjoy my job.

I wouldn't mind doing this all my life on a part time basis with a freelance writing job on the side.


After the bout of office politics which resulted in EVERYONE except me resigning , the calm has finally been restored as the newbies settle down with their newly acquired coffee-making / milk-frothing skills.

Among the new collegues , most of them young , reckless and younger than me , there is one that stands out.

Lets call him N.

He's already in his early thirties , unmarried and has 9 years of experience in the coffee industry.

I have worked about 4 shifts with him already , and he is one hell of a fun person to work with except for one thing that irks me to no end.


I don't know why the older male collegues in the cafe have such perverse tendencies to rattle non-stop about sex-related topics.

I'm definitely okay with talking about sex , but too much of it makes me wanna take two steps back and go "Woahhhh... easy boy !"

If you guys can remember , one of my supervisors , J , absolutely loves telling me anecdotes of the seedy nightlife that he knows thanks to his "circle of friends who frequents Geylang" .

But i know better than to believe that his stories were not experienced first-hand.

And now , i have N who tells me about his trysts with transsexuals and how his ex refused him sex because he forced her to wear an ill-fitting spandex dress.

I was appalled , and i do mean very appalled when out of a sudden when i was just leaning on the counter during an unusually slow day doodling on a serviette he popped out of nowhere and said

"You know .. some trans' have really fake-looking pus****"

Okay i can't bring myself to type that word out la. So embarrassing.

So i was like .. "Uh-huh ..." because i was quite into my doodling but i guess it was a cue for him to continue.

"Once , i made out with the fakest looking pus** ever !! But thats just a minority lah , i've seen those really real looking ones. Goodness."

I wasn't in the least interested to enrich my knowledge of prosthetic genitals.

Besides what the hell were you doing with trans in the first place ?!!?!

I didn't want to know so i just muttered "Gross.." and walked away to another counter to continue my doodling.


Okay one thing , N makes really good conversation and i have had long fruitful talks with him during slow periods about Nazis , government conspiracies and his brood of young soccer players which he trains. So he's not some kinda sex-crazed perv as you guys might perceive.


So he starts talking about transsexuals again.

"And you know.. once i met up with one who still had his dick and before i unzipped her ( his ? ) pants she ( he ? ) warned me not to be shocked and i wasn't but i'm tellin you man , transsexuals give really good blowjobs."

Uh-huh. So ?

Okay , so he goes on and on while i pretend to rub my chin thoughtfully and thats when he started to gross me out.

"Indians have big dicks !!! Gopi ( my infamous manager ) has one."

I arched one eyebrow.

"Don't generalise. For all you know he may only have a stump down there."

"I swear he has a really huge one"

At this point , N has a really huge smirk on his face that seems to say "Go on , ask me why and i'll tell you."

I relented.

"Really ? Why ?"

"Because i have seem him steam in his pants before and it was like a tent i tell you !!"

I was like.... WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too much info , too little pre-emption.

It was just so so so so so so so so so so wrong man. Kan ni na.

I didn't know why i was so grossed out. I mean , whenever i look at Gopi , i entertain murderous thoughts on my mind and now , i entertain murderous thoughts and something else that i don't want to think about but do because it just happens.

Then never mind , N sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable with him and i squirmed when he says stuff like

"You know lady , you should come over my place and we could masturbate for each other with our hands."

And he does the wanking / fingering action.

I would be tripping over my words to find a sensible reply but usually i would be just too flabbergasted to even muster something intelligent so i would usually say something inaudible like



Okay enough about my collegue already. Maybe i should file a lawsuit or something . LOL.

I served a customer yesterday and i was really amazed by what happened.

He ordered a cinnamon swirl , a croissant , a raisin roll AND a sandwich ( our sandwiches equates to two servings. very massive )

I thought he had his family with him or something but when i looked , he was alone and tucking into his mini buffet quite happily.

I wouldn't be too surprised if he was a plus-sized caucasian but this guy's a very petite middle-aged Japanese.

Half an hour later , he was gone and so were his food , except for a thumb-sized piece of bread .


Would love to tell you more about my customers but i have to run , meeting Nic now for our musuem trip !!

It's gonna be a long day today , clubbing with the girls and a nite-tour with Kerwin on his bike later !!


I hope Kerwin rides safely.


listening to : story of the year - Sidewalks


Tuesday, April 12, 2005

riddle of the day

just a quick one before i head out to work ( my infamous manager , Gopi , is working the same shift as me today so you guys be prepared to read a post dedicated to him after i knock off )

here are some riddles for all ye readers to solve :

1) What is thin , long and red ?

2) What is thin , long and black ?


Monday, April 11, 2005


My weekend whizzed past just like that , slogging for a tiny lil' cafe in the Airport .

This entry will be a short one since i'm kinda in a rush ( work again , what else ?! )

Just wanted to share an incident i had on friday night.

Was supposed to meet up with M's cousin and his friend @ Dbl-O on friday night and since it was already like 1am there wasn't any form of transportation avail except the very expensive kind and well i had no choice but to take the latter.

Standing by the pavement , the night was cold and dreary and it looked like rain was imminent .


And there was one. I waved frantically and i thought it was slowing down when suddenly it accelerated just as it drove past me.


Then came along the second cab.

This time though , it didn't even bother to slow down and it just went by as if i wasn't there .

Then came the third.. the fourth.. the fifth.


I was hopping mad and going stir-crazy.


I couldn't think of any reason why this was happening because it was already way past midnight and at this witching hour cab drivers would give an arm and a leg to pick up passengers.

In the distance i saw a cab.

I was determined.

I went down to the road and stood right smack on it while flailing my arm.


I got into the cab cursing under my breath and started complaining.

"Wah lao uncle , you know how long i waited for this cab or not ? 10 mins leh !! Got so many cabs drive past me you know ??"

The uncle adjusted his mirror and looked at me.

"Miss , i tell you something you don't be offended ah !"

Huh what ? I was puzzled.


"Actually i didn't want to pick you up because i thought you were one of those freelancers lor.. You know freelancers ?"

I nodded.

"Yah because at this hour they all come out mah .. I think the previous drivers all think like that lor. Those girls very fierce one , go into the cab pester driver non-stop"

I was indignant.

I was dressed DECENTLY okay ! ( come to think of it , i've never dressed indecently before save for a few scandalous hemlines )

A loose-fitting chiffon tube top and a full length denim jeans.

Actually i didn't think the attire mattered at all.

As long as you're female , not fat and is standing by the roadside after 12am , you're in the sex industry.

What a sad state of affairs.


you had me at hello

With your arms encircling my waist in a snug fit from behind, we danced cheek to cheek.

Inexplicable , how i quivered when your lips found my neck and everywhere else.

When you whispered raggedly how you loved the way i smelled ( like camomile tea infused with strawberries , you said. No , i giggled. Polo Ralph. )

Instant infatuation that was never intended to last.

Two strangers ; a moment of folly.

Even if i had someone else in mind the entire time

making mistakes never felt so right.

when two wrongs don't make a right , caution is tossed to the wind and the debauchery continues.

But oh , the guilt and remorse that follows with goodbye.



listening to : suzanne vega - Luka


Friday, April 08, 2005

writing's not so fun anymore

Recently i landed a job as a much coveted position ( to me at least ) as a writer for a local lifestyle/entertainment magazine. Its on a freelance basis and i'm not really into the job because i just don't feel right ( i'm already planning this second article of mine to be my last ) . I'm thinking of submitting my resume to another local magazine so i'm praying really hard that i get it !

Now that i have deadlines to rush , drafts to submit and to seek approval from the editor and exams to take ( no more ! yessssss) , writing has suddenly lost its appeal and blogging isn't so therapeutic anymore.

My life has been a whirl of activities recently , just as well since my study break has commenced and i need to keep myself occupied.

What i am looking forward to for the next few weeks :

1- My first ever drum lessons @ Yamaha

2- Trip to China with my grandparents. It'll be utterly boring , yes , but nevertheless i'll enjoy taking photos and getting matchmaked to my mainlander cousins by their parents

3- Some distant cousin's wedding. I don't care who , just SHOW ME THE FOOD ! :D

4- Grace's km8 party

4- HH's "Sob sob i'm off to serve the nation. Sob sob goodbye spunky hair" party @ Sunset Bay

5- Science center trip . Chee , are u listening?

6- A long overdue shopping trip with Pek . It has been almost a month since i went on a full-blown shopping spree !! The balance in my bank account is begging to be spent.

7- Musuem cum hunt for retro/nostalgic places with Nic . Lovely.


9- Organising the next activity for the folks @ Renci hospital

10- The gathering for TXC's crew !! Can't wait to see the good ol' crew breaking together again. No , Mattie . I'm not going to kiss the floor again and be the butt of everyone's jokes. I will be wearing a skirt for that purpose. Heheheh.

11- Trip to California to my uncle's place. HELLO TO ROSEMEAD BOULEVARD ONCE AGAIN ! *its still pending but i bloody hope it materialises . Imagine all the Abercrombie & Fitch apparel and Archie comics i would lug home !!!!!*

12- Winning a Vespa from the Coca-cola contest. I have been so obsessed with winning it that i actually risked looking like a vagabond while twisting the caps off empty coke cans left around my void deck just now. LOL . I WANT THAT VESPA !

Okay thats it for now. =)

Had a flash of inspiration for an anti-AIDS poster just now and i promptly worked on a photo i just took with Photoshop ( before any of you start questioning my decency , no these ain't my legs. they belong to my 11 year old cousin )

And this is the result = )

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Its still pretty raw and that explains the shoddy appearance but i really like it a damn lot WOOO! ( excuse my self-revelry here ) LOL.

Will be adding more touches to it. Check back for the final product !!!!


listening to : the juliana theory - if i told you this was killing me would you stop ( i FUCKING love this song. its really really really good. they are really really really kickass , this band . )


Thursday, April 07, 2005

you did WHAT ?!

Okay this is going to be really short and of no interest to anyone but feel that i just have to let it out.

Had a short conversation with a casual acquaintance , P just now. The last time i saw her was about a week ago while shopping with Ros and J.

Clothes weren't the only stuff she picked up while shopping.

P actually picked up this rather cute sales assistant and they exchanged numbers.

Since our conversation was getting quite dull , i decided to enquire about him.

"Eh.. So hows things between you and that sales assistant guy from last week ?"

"Hmm.. Met up with him yesterday leh. :D "

"Wow that was fast. Any happenings ?"

"Haha yeah he's really good in bed. Can't tell hor ??"

I was like... Huh are you serious and she was like yeah of course i'm serious why would i lie ?


I was seriously appalled.

First date ends with a romp in bed.

Hey it rhymes !


I think i'm too old-fashioned lah.

Please assure me that i'm not alone by telling me that you share my views , that sex is definitely a no-no on a first date.

I fucking sound like a nun ! Shit.

Of course i welcome different POVs , it doesn't mean that you're loose or whatever .

It just proves that i'm still stuck in the era when women pinned hankerchiefs to their sleeves and pottered around in bamboo clogs.

Non-conformist my ass.

I'm just not liberal enough to label myself a non-conformist.


listening to : Rufio - In my eyes


UPDATE @ 3am :

In order to parade around in my swimsuit without making others nauseous when i hit the beaches next week for Grace's birthday bash @ Km8 and HH's last party before he enlists , i have been religiously doing crunches and sit-ups for the past week before i sleep without fail.

As usual , i did my crunches and was about to turn in when my stomach growled.

And i tried to ignore it but i couldn't so i gave in and had a packet of instant noodles , a can of coke and i couldn't resist finishing the bar of Hershey's milk chocolate that was lying conspicuously next to the Coke.

This is the 3rd time it has happened.

It kinda defeats the purpose of exercising before you sleep eh ???

I don't have a very flabby stomach ( okay , it the folds of fats becomes quite obvious when i sit down ) and what used to be abs are now tiny slits of its former glory.

Really , it is grotesque to see someone of my size potter around with a tummy hanging over your bikini bottom.




Wednesday, April 06, 2005

cockcroach rhapsody

My dad went stark raving mad just now with a Baygon in his hand because our kitchen was suddenly invaded with cockcroaches.

Now this comes as a mystery to me because the house is very immaculate , with both the father and daughter cursed with an obsession with cleanliness and neatness.

My dad attributed the sudden exodus to the wet weather and i guess i'll have to agree because there is simply no other plausible explainations for the phenomenon.

At the last count , within an hour we had spotted 10 roaches !

Imagine that.

Now , 10 isn't alot if we were at our Tanah Merah place because of the garden and the backyard ( okay its not really a backyard. Its more like an open-air kitchen cum washing area ) but its ALOT when your kitchen is the size of a shoebox in a 3-room flat.

I can never understand why some men get all squeamish around roaches like my dad ( i even have to clear up the dead roaches after him by grabbin them with a tissue cus' my dad refuses to get close to it )

So gay can ??

They say chivalry is dead.

I'm sad to to say valiance is dead too !

I caught two fat ones inside a plastic container and my dad was pretty impressed with my nifty skills.

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Best friends.

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The lone ranger trying to escape from someone 100 times his size

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Some never learn.

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Presenting the pimple of the year ( notice that the surrounding area is reddish as well so you imagine the magnitude and the pain it was giving me )

That black thing in the shadow is a mole , FYI.

This was taken a few days ago and i'm glad to say i have since popped it and its drying well.

Did i mention i accidently scraped off the fresh scab with my nail just one night after i popped it ?


And yes it bled.

But i guess its not a bad thing after all because its healing beautifully . hehehe.

No big loss without some small gain eh ??

By the way i've switched to Mozilla but the popup ads are still pissing me off !



listening to : Goldfinger - 99 red balloons


Tuesday, April 05, 2005


I have so many spyware and adware on my computer and its really driving me crazy !!

On top of the many pop-up ads/ad browsers i get , this stupid thing called Elitebar gets stuck on my toolbar as well !!!

The remover tools i have like Spybot S&D doesn't seem to work.. And please don't ask me to clear 'em manually by running regedit because there are simply too too too many.


Or can i just delete my IE and re-install it ?


like invisible hands around my throat

Ros had the shock of her life yesterday while we were watching "You've got mail" over at her place last night.

At first it was only breathlessness that would sometimes go away by itself but i knew i was going to be in deep shit when i heard myself wheeze and my inhaler was 10 bus stops away at home.

I looked at Ros hiding who was falling asleep hugging her bolster and all of sudden i remembered just how many people around me had died and i was so bloody scared that i quickly roused Ros up and said in between gasps

"I think i'm going to die."

By then i was really really really damn scared because i was wheezing fucking badly and i couldn't do anything to stop it.

But i think she was more scared than me lah .

Everything happened so quickly after i told her i didn't have my inhaler with me . Ros got her bro to carry me downstairs and we reached CGH in his car within a few minutes.

Damn drama sia !

So how does having an asthma attack feel like ?

Well let me tell you.

It feels like no matter how deeply you inhale , almost all the air gets stuck at the top of your throat and the 1% that manages to get past is what keeps your life hanging by a thread.

As it worsens , the struggle to breath becomes so painful and taxing that you really feel like dying and you give up breathing altogether. But somehow your body doesn't listen and as if by reflex the wheezing continues AGAINST YOUR WISHES.

Its like drowning. When you start to panic and your body senses that it is still not getting the oxygen it needs , somehow it forces your mouth to open when it bloody well knows that it is water that you will be swallowing and not air.

Wheezing involuntarily. Yeah thats the word.

Involuntarily. Haplessly.

I was so afraid of dying that i started to type my last message on my phone while on the car , with my other free hand pawing at my chest.

I must have looked like a wreck because Ros was crying while thumping my back. Like it was going to help at all. LOL.

"Fiona omg omg your lips are turning blue omg omg please god don't let her die"


Actually it wasn't so funny when it happened la.

When we reached the A&E , i was so drenched in cold sweat that i felt cold. Maybe it wasn't the sweat. Maybe i was really that close to dying cus' by that time my wheezing had quietened down and i was just gasping like a fish out of water.

I got plonked into a wheelchair and the nurse pressed an oxygen mask to my mouth but since i couldn't even inhale i didn't really see the purpose and everything was a whirl because the next thing i knew , i got a tube stuffed down my throat and believe me it isn't the best feeling in the world.

I felt gagged !

Yeah so that tube apparently contains whats in my inhaler because it tastes exactly like it and woah breathing never felt SO GOOD !

The first sentence i uttered as i got wheeled out from the room half an hour later to Ros was

"Hello , stranger . " ( If you watched Closer you'll know what i mean )

"Wah lao Fiona you gave me a bloody shock can ??"

I think i must have really looked like an idiot because i was sweating so profusely just now that my hair was damp , limp and there goes my make-up as well.

The doctor insisted that i be kept under observation for few hours and i was quite adamant about being warded even if only for a few hours cus' if i did , my dad will find out and i'll receive the biggest lecture from him for not bringing my inhaler out.

Well obviously i couldn't protest much because i still felt really weak and i stumbled without the help of a wheelchair.

I had the oxygen mask strapped to my mouth again in the ward and i tell you man , breathing in pure oxygen is really.... SHIOK.

I received a dose of stabiliser and was even subjected to a freaking blood test.

The needle was HUGE.

As Ros and her bro went to fill in forms for me , realisation sank in that it was my first time being warded , if only for a while.

Lying on a hospital bed felt so surreal .

I took out my phone and i didn't know who i should call.

Will anyone even bother ?

I decided against calling anyone since i will be discharged soon . The time was almost 12 and i decided to tell the next person who called or messaged me about my ordeal.

But of course. Just when you needed someone most , he's never there.


Ros wanted to call the gang in but i didn't want to create a fuss since i'm already perfectly okay.

And yes , my dad had to be informed. Shitttttttttttttttttttt.

My dad didn't say much when he came but on the way home he managed to piss me off by saying

"Next time , you can just go and die since you heck care about your condition so much"

Thanks ah , dad.

Really thanks alot.

Did i mention that the hospital bill was a whopping $500+


I'm alive and i'm kicking ass .

I never felt better but i'm still sore over the fact that i didn't know who to turn to ( except Ros ) last night.

And woo boy i got prescribed so many medicines and inhalers that i feel like an AIDs patient.

Time to revise for my paper later on..

Till later , folks.

And take care of your bloody health !!


Monday, April 04, 2005

in remembrance

did you see flashbacks-
a summarised timelife of your life
moments before your untimely demise?
its a fabled theory , yes
but one i cannot help but ponder still.

as the mourners mourn
wispy veins from joss sticks
spiral into nothingness
yet the musky scent lingers
as would you.

the grim reaper-
did he decapitate you with his scythe ?
he must have been on a rampage
without God's consent
to take lifes so young away.

bitter laughs echo around the table
as we reminisce about you
ironical , how the tears fell along with resonating guffaws
as we start off each anecdote with a wistful
"do you remember..?"

"to eat someone's curry chicken"
an endearing local term for a funeral;
an euphemism often used in jest.
but it doesn't sound so funny now that
we're eating your curry chicken.

as i walk past your serene body-
why did i just stop at the obligatory greeting
instead of making small talk
the last time we met ?

i sincerely wish that you find happiness
up there among the clouds.
no more woes.
no price hikes.
no income tax to file.

- written by Fiona @ 10.20 a.m


Dedicated to the young people whose lifes has been snuffed out so prematurely within the past week - God loves you more than us and thats why he wants you back ASAP =)

I really really don't understand how so many young lifes can be taken away within such a short timeframe. I don't know all of them personally , some of them are my friend's friends but its still very depressing.

The dearly departed :

Debbie ( don't know her very well , but would engage in idle banter with Ros and I during outings .. Asthma attack. )

Yong ( Terry's poly mate whom i seldom see nowadays but will greet me whenever we do meet up . Bike accident. )

Winson ( Ex schoolmate . Leukaemia )

Fhame ( Chee's buddy . Car accident )

Sheldon ( Kel's brother . Coma after car accident a few weeks ago)




Sunday, April 03, 2005

101 dating tips

Was feeling a tad blue yesterday night and i complained to Kerwin about some boy-problems i had and he tried to help by giving me some of the corniest ways to snag a guy .

To briefly summarise his "tips"

"Touch him."

"Touch him again."

"Touch him some more!"

He guaranteed that the guy will fall head over heels over me if i followed his guidelines.

Ah. Behold the power of a woman's touch.

I found it unorthodox to resort to relying on seducing a guy to achieve something though.

And also , if the lure of physical intimacy is so great that he would fall for me , then i don't think that guy's a person i would want to be with anyway.

Kerwin also wanted me to grab him and plant a big wet one on him during the most unexpected moments , like while walking home on a quiet path.

He also said something like

"Tell him that you got a habit of biting people's lips and that you dare him to let you do it on him , before he can reply KISS HIM !"

WAH LAO. SO CORNY RIGHT!??! Some more if i got pushed away or even worse , get slapped by him how ?? SO PAISEH LOR. *shudders*

Rejection is very very very very very very very traumatising.

Besides , i told him , i don't wanna lose my first kiss to a guy under such rash circumstances.

I know this is really stupid sounding , call me a hopeless romantic or whatever , but my vision of my first kiss goes something along the lines of me falling asleep on his shoulder on the upper storey of an empty double-decker bus, him nudging me awake and then i would awake looking into his eyes .... and then.. LOL. *burst of pyrotechnics sia !*

Or how about this classic setting ..

At my void deck , saying our reluctant goodbyes , a chaste good night peck on the cheek that progresses into something else :P

Actually it almost happened before but .. I wasn't prepared and i was all flustered and i starting laughing when his nose touched mine and his goatee tickled my chin.

It didn't help that i regarded his tongue and lip piercings as obstacles.

The momentum was lost , man !

I will never forget the way he scratched his head and how he bit his lip so sheepishly after that in that few seconds of awkwardness - the aftermath of a kiss that never materialised :D


Although technically it won't be my first kiss since i've kissed a couple of girls before ( i wasn't sober but knew what i was doing ) , and have kissed guys on their cheeks for sessions of truth-or-dare or some other special occasion like birthdays , it still matters alot to me which guy i'll be locking lips with.

Definitely not when i'm drunk nor for a silly game of dare.

Recently , the grim reaper has been actively seeking out people around me . Two friends of mine passed away , and people around me had their friends taken away as well.

And they were all young people. 19 ? 21 ?

So little achieved when you're that age.

If i died tomorrow , i would really die with ALOT of regrets.

I certainly don't want to die before i've kissed someone i like.

I don't want to die without knowing how it feels like to be pregnant , to go through childbirth painful it might be , to see how good-looking my spawn would turn out to be.

I don't want to die without walking down the aisle on my prettiest day , then crying my eyes out while exchanging wedding rings.

I don't want to die before attending the weddings of my best friends , to grow old with them.

Yan and i often jest about how it would be like 10 years later. Would we go for high-tea or a mahjong session before picking up our kids together at the childcare centre ? Or would we remain spinsters for the rest of our lifes , living together until the day we die ?

I don't want to die without telling my grandparents how much i love them.

My condolences to all who have lost someone dear.

Death is random.

I want my epitaph to read

"Here lies the body of Fiona Tan

A jolly friend she was.

And she didn't die a virgin"


listening to : the juliana theory - if i told you this was killing me would you stop ?


Saturday, April 02, 2005

men and long hair

Was talkin to Chee on the phone when he muttered this classic line

"I prefer girls with long hair.."

I don't know what is it with men and their obsession with long flowing hair.

I asked him why , and he gave me rather vague answers

"Long hair , can play mah .. "

"More feminine .."

Honestly , before i decided to chop off my once shoulder-length hair about 6 months ago , i was very apprehensive because i certainly do not want to come across as boyish and i must say that the few guys i've seriously dated before had the habit of messing around with my crowning glory , be it running their fingers through my hair while going up on the escalator or twirling strands around their fingers during bouts of silence in bus rides.

How i love that feeling.

Basking in affection is never a bad feeling eh ?

But it all stopped when i sort of went through a very bad patch last year , and yes , it involved a guy ( as always )

I had to resort to something drastic , most probably as a way of getting back at him.

I never regretted cutting my hair into a pageboy style even though it's quite a hassle to style it and that some friends commented i look bitchy with cropped hair. lol.

What i miss though , are those hair-playing moments.

Short hair not so nice to play with lah.

And the texture's not so good either .. Due to the layering and the styling products i have to apply , it just feels like hay compared to my old unadulterated shoulder-length hair.

Nobody wants to touch it anymore. LOL.

Here , compare them.

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The mouse look. ( taken around July 2004 )

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The "Shu nu" or matronly look. LOL. ( taken around Dec 2003 . Yes i know i look much older than the previous photo. WHAT THE HELL MAN!? )

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The current look with the "Ay yai yai yai i'm a cute 14 year old girl" pout. Fuggin' balls.


Here are a few songs i would like to recommend ( some of which i've recommended before but because its so bloody good i shall promote them again )

The Killers : Mr Brightside

The Juliana theory : Don't push love away , The closest thing , Something isn't right here , If i told you this was killing me would you stop ? ( been listenin to them since last year .. this band's really kickass !)

Story of the year : Sidewalks

The Ataris : The Saddest song

AFI : Girl's not grey

By the way i noticed that my heavy metal phase is waning .. my love for punk/emo is slowing reviving ! NOFX , Rancid , MXPX .. Come to mama !

They play really good shit. No kidding.

Last but not least ..

JAY CHOU - Ai Zai Xi Yuan Qian .

Well .. Old habits die hard :P


Friday, April 01, 2005

the boogeywoman

This lil boy dressed still dressed in his nursery uniform. There was something peculiar in his behaviour , the way he sat upright so stiffly with a stoned expression , unlike kids of his age who would run around as if they had ants in their pants and treating like the train like a playground of sorts.

I looked at him , he looked at me. Our eyes met and he stared at me with his glassy eyes.

I swear that his gaze would be deemed malevolent if he wasn't so young.

He looked so stern that he looks old beyond his years.

I felt that he could sure use a smile and as if by reflex my tongue slipped out from my mouth and wriggled for a second before winking at him.

He continued staring at me , eyes wider than before , the elusive smile still nowhere in sight.

Just when i thought i saw the edges of his mouth curl up into a grin .. His features scrunched together into a menacing scowl and he burst into tears.

The first thought that struck me was


And then i looked at it from a more rational approach.

"Did i actually make him cry ?"

He was still bawling his eyes out and his mother was so pissed that she smacked him on his head that resulted in him crying louder than ever. She then pinched him on his chubby thigh and glared at him.

He inhaled but didn't exhale , and attempted to stop crying .

His eyes were still looking at me with tears streaming out.

I felt so bad for causing him to be reprimanded by his mom.

Geez. I used to think that i shared an affinity with kids.

I should seriously review that mindset.


Its awesome to break rules just for the thrill.

Don't chastise me for saying so cus' its a form of release from this banal life we're all leading.

Oppressed and conforming motherfuckers. Thats what we all are.

Today , i played a waiting game with the lift in my block simply because some vandal had pryed loose the "Close" button and filled in the cavity with some sort of clay.

To be honest , i wasn't even pissed.

I was actually quite impressed that somebody had the balls to do that within the few seconds of travelling time.

If i could , the first thing i would to do to satiate the growing need to destroy would be to stall the lift completely when a couple gets into it.

My pent up frustrations stems from the accumulation of incidents where couples would lack the basic courtesy of pressing the door open for me even though i'm in sight.

Don't think i don't know what you guys are up to hor !

Happy making out against the dried phlegm coating the lift interior .( yes i have seen it before so i never lean against them )

Now lets see how long you can endure making out inside a lift without ventilation and lights.

Blooooooody hell.

listening to : The Juliana theory - If i told you this was killing me would you stop ?


the writer








shawn kuku


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