orgasmic hamsters

orgasmic hamsters






Tuesday, May 31, 2005

neh-neh bour my ass !

I smiled at my neighbour as we crossed paths along the corridoor just now and she ignored my presence by looking straight ahead and avoiding eye contact , making me feel like a complete idiot for smiling.

You think what , lim bei never anyhow smile smile at people one hor !

I'm giving you one more chance , neighbour. Either you return the smile or i'll burn your house down.

Or at least i'll fling your slippers down the block.

I wonder why smiling can be so hard for some people.


trigger happy

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not that she didn't like me ; she just grew up


Monday, May 30, 2005

the death of a marriage

Saw this while ironing my Topshop singlet yesterday ..

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Of course i don't , i run towards a fire in the event of one and proceed to strip myself of the clothes i am wearing to dispose of them into the fire.

Burn , clothes , burn in hell !!!!!

Or is that some kind of culture practiced by the good people of Mauritius ? ( which happens to be one of my dream destinations . Ahh. The idyllic island life )


I think i have fear of marriage/co-habitation which is probably quite uncalled for but i can't help feeling this way because i look like a freak at home.

When my dad's at home , i will try my best to coop myself in my room because i am embarrassed to let anyone see me in my "tousled" state , no , not even my dad ( of course the bigger reason being i just wanna avoid my dad in case another arguement arises )

Each and everyone of those who used to be or is in love with me probably is in love with this person

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Mosaic-ed because my pout looks absolutely nauseating and yes i KNOW MY MOUTH IS UGLY LA !

She's neat and she looks harmless enough.


What do YOU know ?

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Pic taken just a couple of minutes ago and i swear i did not fluff my hair up deliberately. Yes , i am still looking like that even as i blog.

Now that is what i call WILD !

Everyone now ..

Born free... As free as the wind blows.. As free as the grass grows.. Born free to follow your heart !

I know , i know. Many will refute by saying that they look as shitty when at home but hey , i have stayed over at my friends' place before and they look like nothing , not even close , like what i look like when i have just woken up.

At most , a few stray strands of hair across their face or maybe traces of dribble down their chins but thats about it.

But not me !

Because my hair is short and incredibly layered , it takes at least 5 minutes ot styling to get them in place and though i don't really need make up , i still feel freakish without a touch of blusher and my trusty eyebrow pencils .

I am so disgusted with how i look in the mornings ( Or when i'm home alone ) that i find my reflections revolting to the point that i avoid looking into the mirror altogether and i put on my make up/style my hair without glasses on so that i will see the presentable side of myself when i put my glasses back on.

Wait , just check out what i'm wearing now !

Presenting Fiona Tan's Spring/Summer collection !!

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Half-tucked in al-cheapo camisole so worn that the fabric's already thinning and super unflattering running shorts pulled so high and taut ( Think camel toes. LOL !! JUST KIDDIN )

Actually this is already considered okay when compared to what i usually really wear , which is a pair of granny undies ( how gross but oh so comfy ) and nothing else since there's usually nobody at home to interfere.

Which brings me to my fear of getting married.

Okay to be fair enough , i'll probably mind how i look in front of my hubby and make an effort to look good enough for a quickie in the morning by running my fingers through my hair to give it a shape.

And of course , wear nicer looking stuff.

But how long can i maintain it before i go back to my old ways and probably paving the way to a divorce ?

Everyone has idiosyncrasies and i have cultivated mine from staying alone for too long.

I do alot of random and shocking actions at home . I think i've mentioned it before in a previous entry but anyway.

I like to sneeze and yawn in a really loud and exaggerated manner Why ? My usual sneeze sounds like a mouse and forcing myself to roar like a lion somehow and curiously makes me feel de-stressed.

A crazy habit of lying down anywhere whenever i feel like it. On the kitchen floor , under the dining table. Everywhere. I usually lie down for 10 minutes for nothing.

And etc etc , some which i am too embarrased to even mention. Ha !

Oh and i totally dislike sharing my remote control. I dominate the TV , you asshole ! You watch what i watch !

So tell me , which sane guy is able to accept his wife being like me ? Sigh.

I'm destined to be a spinster.

Oh , morning breath ( both mine and his ) too.


By the way ..

I went to this interview for a new part-time job with my ex-collegues and all of them got shortlisted except me !


We all came to the conclusion that i looked too rebellious for them since i made a big mistake of turning up for the interview with heavily lined eyes and an all black outfit.

I remember getting criticised for my larger-than-life loopy earrings by the interviewers.

Well , fuck you then.

You think what , i will look like that for work meh ?


Yah , actually i'm quite "sour grapes" la.

But i can't help but feel offended for getting judged by what i wear .

Alright time to head out ..

I have been so busy during the past few weeks of my holidays and i don't know for what !

And my love-life is again , non-existent.

He was too enthusiastic , and i was too nonchalent.


listening to : Nicky Li Jiu Zhe ( AGAIN ! ) - Jie Tuo


Saturday, May 28, 2005

i don't wanna go Zooooook lah. ( Starstruck schoolgirlish talk ahead )


Its Saturday and i'm at home ?!!!!!!!!

What was supposed to be fun night out with the gang was ruined when majority voted to go Zoooook , which was the last place i would want to be on a Saturday night because its gonna be so crowded and i'll probably die of an asthma attack on the dancefloor while getting groped for the twentieth time.

HH , you promised Cocco Latte .. What happened ? = (


What is a single and lonely girl like me supposed to do on a Saturday ? ( I say that because lets face it , weekends are for couples to laze around at home channel surfing together and making out on the couch and i'm honestly not into humping my bolster , i swear )


Okay not exactly nothing , i've been pretty glued to the telly watching this taiwanese entertainment programme guest-starring my current crush ......

NICKY LI JIU ZHE !!!!! ( A.k.a Xiao Pang from Machi )

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He looks EXACTLY like the kind of guy i would really love to fall in love with.

Tiny eyes , cute goatee and plump ( Okay , big-sized/big-boned but i just like the word plump :p )

And he speaks good english !

Purrrrr-fect !

I think being single for too long results in my hormones going into overdrive , judging from the way i go ga-ga over the male celebs on TV like a crazed teenager. ( I am still a teenager what ! )

Just a few days ago , i was ogling at him while watching My Sassy Neighbour on Channel 5.

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SOO KUI JIEN !!!!!!!!!!!

He is so incredibly cute , i am still reeling in from the shock of realising that he is already 32.


But har .. I still find that Nicky cuter. Heh.

Just look at his cheeky grin !!

AIYO ! CAN DIE. *hyperventilates*

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Have i mentioned that i simply find guys in collared shirts like whats he's wearing absolutely SEXY ?! ( Not forgetting the Number 4 uniform la ! )

Just imagine , sitting on his lap and unbuttoning his shirt buttons one by one .


SO AWESOME !!!!!!!!

And then the morning after i shall potter around the house wearing nothing but that shirt while serving him breakfast in bed.


Yep , croissants , toast , scrambled eggs and bacon on pretty china plates.

[[[[ Tip : NEVER EVER serve roti prata ( still wrapped with the brown paper some more , lagi worse ) or fried bee hoon or chee cheong fun for a breakfast-in-bed !! That is SO unromantic. Damn spoiler one leh.

Imagine the girlfriend snuggling up to her boyfriend and whispering

"Sweetie.. Breakfast is served .."

I guess the next most natural reaction is for the boyfriend to give the girlfriend a hug and then a kiss on her forehead despite the very bad morning breath and then to thank her

"Thank you honey.. *muack* .. Whats for breakfast ?"

Such a beautiful morning , sunlight streaming in from between the curtains , satin bedsheets ( wah sibei opulent hor ) and then the girlfriend replies..

"Chee cheong fun lor !!!!!"



I mean local breakfast is damn tasty but its just so not right in that sense you know ? ]]]]]]

Oh and if you haven't noticed , i have a major thing for guys with small eyes.

They both have small eyes , Jay Chou and Lin Jun Jie too !

So yeah , if you .....

1) Have small eyes that crinkle up in the corners when you smile

2) Have a goatee

3) Above 1.7m and weighs more than 65kg ( in other words , PLUMP or BIG SIZED LOL )

4) Have big rough and manly hands , preferably with alot of veins ( Compulsory )

.... Then CALL ME !

See ? My tastes very simple one la.

Don't say i got high expectations , hor !!


listening to : Li Jiu Zhe ( WHO ELSE !? ) - Ying Zi



Shopping is extremely gratifying.

Its even better than sex ! ( Well , this i have yet to find out but i'm just assuming anyway )

I went absolutely bonkers like a deranged bull unleashed in town yesterday with Gracie and i went home almost broke but when you have like your hands full with shopping bags you don't remain guilty for long.


Murphy's law made an unexpected public comeback yesterday.

I was in this shop that sells really whimsical bags and i fell in love with their totes.

Bloody damn nice , i tell you.

However being the discerning shopper that i am i decided to take check out the rest of the shops first before making my purchase just in case i find something else better.

So i waltzed out ( term courtesy of Shawn Kuku ) from that place and popped into the adjacent store.

I had barely stepped into it when someone tapped my shoulder.

"Miss , i think you're carrying our bag"

I stared at the disgusted looking man with a receding hairline for a while , speechless.


I quickly looked down and there it was , the tote i was eyeing at the previous shop , hanging from my arm !!!

WTF !??

I had actually forgotten to return the bag to the sales assistant and walked out !?

Wah , can die.

The look on his face seems to say

"Majiam i believe that you forgot to return lor.. What a cunning shoplifter !"

I returned the bag to him amidst profuse apologies from me but i didn't think he was convinced.

I'm never stepping into that shop ever again.


Friday, May 27, 2005

GREAT SINGAPORE SALES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT !!!!!



This post will be entirely dedicated to the pair of much celebrated mammary lumps on the female body.

Boobs are , to the men , nothing more than an eye-pleaser and maybe a sort of indicator whether he is doing the right thing to his woman. You know lah , erected nipples ?

Actually its not really a good indicator la , since i noticed that i get that even i sneeze or yawn. I know , its like wtf right ?!

But you don't know how much boobs mean to me , though mine isn't very big and worst still i'm completely flat when i lie down . ( Think two peas on a chopping board )

I get nightmares thinking about baring everything to the one i love only to have him doubling up in laughter and demanding a break up right away.

My best friend's mother recently detected a lump in her boob and for the next few days all of us were worried sick awaiting the results of the test and thankfully the lump was benign.

I know i'm too young to start , but every now and then i'll absent-mindedly start probing mine with two fingers while blogging or reading or even eating , making sure that they're not supposed to feel like cookie dough and so far , so good.

I've read that some women refuse to operate on their boob for fear of losing them but ehhhh !

Whats losing a boob compared to losing your life ??

I can totally understand how traumatising it must be to live with only one boob , to perceive it as undesirable. There is always the option of reconstructing your boob too , though i really don't see the need to and i've always believe that the latter is available solely for the purpose of still remaining appealing to her partner.

But really if your husband really cannot live with the fact that you have only one boob then he is really one hell of an asshole.

Worrying issues aside , have you noticed that boobs are never symmetrical ?

I swear to god , my leftie is bigger than my rightie and it makes wearing bras a chore because sometimes i really have to fill the gap with stuffing so that i don't look lopsided. LOL.

I have a love-hate relationship with bras.

I love how they look , i love simple details like a touch of lace or when i feel girlish , cartoon appliques even.

I love how they make the wearer feel so feminine.

I especially love buying them , even though the lingerie i have mainly consists of black and satin , i still end up buying the same kind because i love black too much. Heh.

But i totally hate how it constricts me , especially when the underwires "eat" into your flesh and leaves your boobs feeling suffocated.

Its like wearing corsets !!

Thats why i never wear them at home ( except when my dad is around lah )

When i was in primary school , i felt terribly jeaalous of a few of my classmates because they were already wearing bras when i was still wearing a 3-for-$10 singlet under my blouse.

I remember having a habit of staring at the backs of my female classmates to tell whether they were wearing a bra or a singlet like me , LOL.

I guess my perverse instincts has been cultivated since young eh !

So anyway.

I wore my first bra at 12 , and it wasn't even mine.

It was my aunt's !!

Since i had no mom to turn to regarding such issues , i decided to solve the problem myself by stealing bras from her wardrobe and stuffing balls of tissues and even socks into the large gaping holes.

I had to , because you can't expect me to wear singlets on my first day of secondary school right !

My grandmother was amazed by my apparent growth spurt and being the blunt woman that she is , asked me who bought me the bras , only to have me confessing red-faced that THE BRA IS NOT MINE LAH !

So she thinks it was necessary to address the issue during the weekly Sunday family gathering in front of EVERYONE ( Uncles and cousins included )

"Eh , Xinyi needs bras liao leh. Who want to go and buy with her ?!"


So anyway , my aunt bought me a ultra tiny cupped bra which had flower motifs on it and i dreaded wearing it because it fitted so well that i could not stuff anything into it to make my boobs appear larger.

Anyway fast forward to now.

My boobs are unfortunately , still small and its the cause of much ire because i am unable to wear a bikini nor cleavage baring tops because i don't have one in the first place.

Oh suddenly i remember an incident ( nothing to do with boobs )

I was in a foodcourt with my grandpa about a month ago and i asked him to take a seat first as i ordered chicken rice from a stall.

The auntie was staring at me blatantly with a disgusted expression as she collected the payment and as she was ladling the soup into the bowl , she blurted out

"So where are you from ? Vietnam ? China ? Wah you not bad leh , you sound like local. You very young hor ?"

I did not have the time to think so i replied

"Huh ? I local what !!"

Then it suddenly dawned onto me that she must have thought that I was some kinda foreign bride and my grandfather was my local husband !!


I couldn't just let her think that way so on purporse i said

"I don't want cucumbers on that plate , my GRANDFATHER does not like cucumbers" , emphasising on the word grandfather.

I think its really sad that people just don't think that a teenage granddaughter would go out with her grandfather because they think that only young kids enjoy the company of their grandparents.

I think its even worse when those tongue-wagging aunties assume that a young girl in the company of an elderly man is , you know.

The incident affected me so much that i get all riled up whenever i see young girls from China/Vietname getting cosy with their ancient lovers.



Thursday, May 26, 2005

this thing called love

Love is when you're not embarrassed to complain about getting your bedsheets stained as a result of your period.

Love is when suddenly you lose interest in ogling at cute guys.

Love is when he helps you buy sanitary pads without making a face.

Love is when you're aware of the special way he holds your hand while rubbing your palm with his thumb.

Love is when you start listening to Creed when really , they're not your cup of tea.

And he starts listening to Jay Chou and KoRn.

Love is when he is the protagonist in all of your wildest fantasies. Nope , not even that ultra hunky Soo Kui Jien.

Love is when you're online and he is the only person you bother replying to.

Love is when you receive an SMS only to slam the phone on the bed when its not from him.

Love is when you plan your weekend according to his schedule.

Love is when he hangs a picture of the both of you on the rear-view mirror and your favourite pillow has a permanent spot in the passenger seat of his car.

Love is when you dream about helping him shave with his hands guiding yours. So sexy leh !

Love is when he knows what you want to drink without asking.

Love is when he tells you that his friends think that you're hot even though you're doubtful.

Love is when you like the feeling of his stubble on your cheek when he nuzzles you.

Love is when he brings you home and not have sex.

Love is when he actually wants you to meet his parents.

And finally....

Love is definitely when you're sure that he is the one you will want to lose your virginity to.

Eeee so corny i can't believe i actually typed that.

And i'm not in love anymore !!

It went abruptly as it came.


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Simi Moblog ?! Don't act cool la !!

Is it just me or is the government trying to potray itself as "cool" by organising the Campus Moblog compeitition? ( )

Its supposed to be "an initiative by SingTel to provide students and schools with a one-stop portal for them to learn, exchange and share ideas and experiences across the various schools"

I say , more like an income-generating publicity stunt on Singtel's part and one of the government's scheming plans to drill the mindset that "the gah-men is always watching you so watch what you type or we'll sue you ! !" into the malleable heads of students.

So one of the objectives of this shit is to express oneself through Moblogging ( Mobile Blogging. Mobile = SMS = $$ = Profits for Singtel geddit ? )

How does one even express his thoughts when there is a watchdog scrutinising your every word ?

You certainly can't find gems like

"Mrs Poo from SGSS is such a motherfuckin bitch . I can't help but wonder who the fuck qualified her to teach because she totally suck and everyone hates the lil' whore. Who the fuck are you to meddle in my life ? Get out of our lifes and suck my dog's dick you piece of Poo !!"

After moderation ( and an earful from the school's principal followed by a public caning during assembly ) , it'll probably read like this

"I had a run-in with Mrs Poo today and although it wasn't pleasant i guess i have learnt my lesson and i will not do it again after her gentle reminder."


"Mr Beng is such a hottie ! Everytime he comes to my class i get really horny and i really want him to just fuck me right there on the teacher's table. I wonder how big is dick is but looking at his superb physique i think it should be no less than 9" . Ooh . I want to give him the best blowjob of his life."

After moderation

"Mr Beng is such a dedicated teacher that he makes Maths a pleasure to learn and i look forward to attending his lessons"


"Vin came back with a whole bag of weed today and it was really dope ! He kind of overpriced it a lil but what the fuck , i'll give anything for that sweet sweet herb. Headed to Jon's home where we were taken to heaven and singing the praises of the herb while smoking its sweetness and swigging booze. Got a fucking hangover the next day and it was really bad but damn i'll do it again anytime !"

After moderation

"This blog has been taken down and the owner prosecuted"


By the way just a note to the authorities .. Jumping onto the bandwagon of what is "cool" does not make you "cool".

Nobody is going to run around the streets wearing a tee emblazoned with the words "I LOVE THE GOVT ! HELL YEAH!"

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please don't sue me , PAP

Trust me. Just look at what Temasek Poly did in a bid to entice the freshly graduated secondary school students .

Remember their advertisments with the jingle that goes ( its completely made up by me but i swear its similar to the original one )

"Temasek poly is the place to be !

For you and him and her and me !

The engineering students are always cool!

The Fashion and Business people too !

So come to TP , join in the fun !

Regret you will not if you're one of us !"

This comes with a poser-rapper dude guy chanting this and images of students doing "cool" stuff. Absolute Gayness .

Makes me cringe and thank the lord that i'm not a student from TP anymore you know ?

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A TP advert found on their website

Girl : Yo yo ! I'm so cool with my funky red hat you know ??? Its goes so well with my bright yellow Nike track pants and neon blue sneakers ! Outstandingly cool you know ?

Guy in the middle : Yah man ! You're as cool as me ! Look at my dope Adidas tee !! And my pose !! Is that cool or what ! PEACE OUT Y'ALL !

Guy on the right : What am i doing here among these gods of coolness ??


TP students , i feel your pain.



Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Whats with the pass-the-baton fad ?!

Anyway i got tagged by Kerio ( Wanted to hyperlink you but i have no idea how to :D ) so here goes ..

Total volume of music files on my computer : 1 gig ?

The last CD I bought was : Jay Chou's Qi Li Xiang .. Hur hur.

Song playing right now : Led Zep - Stairway to Heaven ( Absolutely lovely. )

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me :

The Killers - Somebody told me ( It reminds me of a certain someone from NP's FSV whom i used to have a huge crush on )

Edith Piaf - La Vie En Rose ( Got addicted to this after watching Love Me If You are and i'm constantly humming this . Looking for the polyphonic ringtone .. Anyone ? )

Jay Chou - Jie Kou ( Cried while listening to this on bus 27 last september because of some jerk. Still has the same effect whenever i listen to it on a bus )

The Juliana Theory : If i told you this was killing me would you stop ( Just because i like this song alot )

KoRn : Right Now ( For times when i feel the need to fantasise about getting raped or when i feel angsty and i need to visualise myself kicking my manager in his balls. Hard. )

Speaking of fantasies , i find it very very disturbing that one of mine is the abovementioned. You know , back against wall , his hands on my throat that kind of situation ?

I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself.


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How apt for all local bloggers , no ?


Monday, May 23, 2005

remember my face and fuck off ( Part II )

One can never walk along any street in Singapore without getting accosted by people with either a charity can ( whatever you call that la ) or a clipboard in hand.

Regarding flag days , the most efficient way to get yourself spared from those leeches is to donate 5 cents in exchange for a sticker which you then proceed to stick it on your forehead with the invisible sign that says


Of course i don't do that , i have honed my dodging skills to a T after all these years of travelling on public transportion as these irritatants seem to congregate around bus interchanges and along MRT stations.

Tried and tested dodging methods -

1) Have earphones plugged into your ears as you embark on your trecherous journey towards the train station from the bus stop. Pretend not to notice when any of the leeches approach you.

2) Say "I'm a student" whenever you get approached by surveyors. Not applicable if you have a receding hairline or have kids in tow.

3) Walk very very very briskly while constantly looking at your watch as if you're in a hurry.

4) Pretend to have an arguement while on the phone. Make sure that you have a constipated/pissed-off expression.

5) Have both hands filled so that they have the cow brains to know that you're unable to fish your out your wallet to donate. ( I usually hold a newspaper in one hand and my bag in the other for this purpose )


Today , as Yan and I strolled along Orchard bitching about our lacklustre love lifes , we got rudely stopped in our paths by two eager beavers with a small notepad in their hands. I tsk-ed very loudly and tried to pull Yan away but she was already answering the other's guy question with much gusto and i saw that he was quite cute and i cursed her under my breath for giving in to her weakness ( which is of course , cute guys. I myself have the same weakness but i draw the line at such people. LOL )

So i had no choice but to grudgingly ( i wouldn't be if he was at least cute but he looked rather effeminate and held his pen in a rather limp looking wrist) entertain the other surveyor .

He asked for my name and give my name I did . After all where's the harm in doing so ?

"Sorry.. How do you spell your name ?"

I coughed and blinked my eyes questioningly. How hard can it be to spell F-I-O-N-A ?

"Eff Ai Oh An Eh." I mumbled and he jotted it down while biting his tongue.

I peered over his flimsy survey form and realised that he had spelled my name as Fioann.

Okay never mind.

So he goes on to inform me that this survey was about employment-related issues and that he would proceed to ask me a few questions about it.

Like hell i would believe , i thought to myself. All these questions are but a scam to fish out my number so that your boss can call me up to coax me into joining MLM ( Multi Level Marketing )schemes under the impression that i have won a prize or something like that. ( once my dad was sooo happy after receiving a call because apparently he had won a caribbean cruise in a contest which was surprising since he never enters contests and he left shortly after to collect his "prize" , only to return later looking really long-faced. "Kan ni na , prize my lanjiao , go there listen to some MLM talk only !" )

He starts asking me a few silly questions like whether i'm happy at my current workplace and then the last question was

"So what would your ideal job be like ?"

Without hesitation i replied with a straight face

"Porn star."

He laughed and said

"ha ha are you sure?"

I rolled my eyes

"Does my answers matter anyway ?? You guys just want my number right?"

He was stumped for a moment

"Huh no lah.. This is a survey mah.."

I shrugged my shoulders and continued looking at him

He looked intently at his survey form for awhile before he asked with an embarrased expression
"Err.. Miss.. I would need your phone number for this survey.."


I decided to give this poor bloke a break and being the nasty person that i am i wanted to give him a dud number but knowing my conscience i will probably start stuttering if i lied so i started rattling out the first few numbers

" 9..X..X...X...X...X..X................................"

Something in me snapped and i blurted out a wrong last number and felt so guilty though only for that moment before Yan the silly woman cut in

"Eh Fiona.. Your number is that one meh ????? I thought the last number is 5 ????"

I dug into her ribs with my finger and lied loudly

"Wah lao you my best friend also don't know my number..Win liao lor. "

She looked puzzled for awhile but before i let her blow my cover i quickly pulled her away after the two surveyors thanked us.

Somebody save me.

I have a bimbo for a best friend !!!!

So all you surveyors out there.. Take a close look at my photo and strike me off your list.

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Oh , i am also unable to comphrehend why people refuse flyers.

I always make it a point to accept flyers .

After all how heavy can a piece of paper be ??

I think that giving a polite smile while shaking your head to refuse the flyer takes requires more effort than just lifting your hand to take the flyer .

Besides sometimes there are really good stuff on flyers like discount coupons okay !!!


listening to : pink floyd - see emily play


Saturday, May 21, 2005

random post of the day

Guys , be thankful for your cottony soft white briefs or airy boxers ( or g-strings/thongs for some :D ) because in some tribes , men keep their little brothers in cute little casings called phallocrypts .

By the way i think phallocrypt is a damn cool name for something that is so primitive.

Move over , NewUrbanMale's male version of Wonderbra

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and you thought only female cleavages requires a lil pushing up comes the Phallocrypt !!

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I have nothing but respect and amazement for such tribes because they have managed to preserve their culture even as the rest of the world moves on and the way they manage to co-exist with Nature with such perfect balance.

However i couldn't help but be amused as i caught a documentary showcasing the life of an Indonesian tribe , the men wearing gourds skillfully shaped into a hollow phallus , secured with strings made from plant fibre.

Firstly , it must be really hard on their little members to be cooped up in such cramped conditions. Yes , the smell too.

Secondly , the hassle of urinating.

Thirdly , they give rise to the impression that the wearer has a fright-inducing 11 incher ( refer to above pic , the first two guys )

Oh , what wouldn't i give to be one of them ?

To run around in the wild topless and breastfeeding my child without getting any complaints from the fucked up public and preserving the culture of my tribe.

To be able to drink from a running stream and not worry about contamination.

No taxes.


Friday, May 20, 2005

everyone loves him

Alright , you guys have seen it coming didn't you ?

Presenting Singapore's most well-loved Singapore Idol...


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oh Steven , Steven. Don't you know that sweat stains are oh-so-uncool ? And that bowtie ! Sweet lord.

I don't know how many times i have been approached by this freak in Orchard where he usually lurks behind a huge pillar next to CK Tangs , pointing his tweezers at me and going

"Hi miss .. I'm Steven Lim the street eyebrow plucker!"

My eyebrows are already immaculate , thank you very much.

Actually i have nothing against him and although i find him absolutely revolting , i'm must say that his aggressive "self-marketing" has paid off and he is indeed already quite a celebrity , though not the kind that people would flock to for autographs.

I'm not sure if you guys are even interested in this nugget of info but i heard from Pek that apparently this guy is attached to an 18 year old and i can't help but wonder

Who in their sane state of mind would want to be seen holding hands with him ?

But on second thoughts , at least the girl will have well groomed eyebrows.

Check him out here at

Have a nice day !!!!!


Thursday, May 19, 2005

question of the day

I don't mean to sound like a perv but this question has been hanging on my mind for quite sometime already.

What actually happens after guys pee at a urinal ?

I mean , we girls wipe with tissue paper but obviously there ain't no toilet paper holder next to urinals.

So do you actually stuff it back into your pants , without doing anything to it ?? ( And *shudders* letting your undies soak up the traces of pee left on your member )


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm in love.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Egotesticle drivers


They turn into major egomaniacs once on the road.

Just how hard can it be to admit that you're lost instead of insisting that the destination is just "around the corner" , only to be defeated hands down when you turn that corner and voila~

Its not there.

Hello Ez , yep , this post is dedicated to you :p

I seriously think that Sengkang is a very fucked up place to drive around , as it is with all of the new estates like Punggol because instead of having street names like "Ah Kow Road St 22" , you get funky organic names like "Fernvale drive" and "Fernvale walk".

Whats the difference , you ask.

Well let me tell you.

Lets say if you're supposed to go to "ABC road Ave 10", and you're at "ABC road Ave 5", you're able to gauge the distance you're supposed to travel , say , 5 more roads and you're there.

But you can't do nuts about if you're supposed to go to "ABC drive" when you're at "ABC walk" because you simply have no idea where the fuck is "ABC drive" even though the two places share a common name .

Get what i mean ??

Yesterday , Jun and I spent an agonising ( but damn funny ) 20 minutes driving around Sengkang aimlessly trying to locate my maternal grandmother's place and apparently , his so-called "driver's instincts" failed to work and we ended up finding the place after many illegal turns later due to a stroke of good luck.

And then just now Ez and I spent nearly the same amount of time around the same fucking place trying to find the road that leads to Hougang , only to find ourselves in dead ends and deja vu situations.

The funniest part was when we saw the sign on a board "Holy Innocent's High School" and Ez was visibly relieved to see that sign because

"Wah , eh , my secondary school leh. Surely can one , cus' that school in Hougang , lets go."

As he prepared to make a U-turn , he saw a building next to the road and chortled

"Skarli that building is Holy Innocents' siaaa !!"

To which i replied

"siao ah , Holy is at Hougang central lah dey.."

He stopped laughing after that because it was REALLY HOLY INNOCENTS' HIGH.

Mouth gaping wide , he exclaimed :

'What the fuck ??? when did they move to Sengkang ?? me and my foul mouth !"


Sibei suay lor !!

In the end he gave up and we wound up taking the longer route to Geylang via PIE .

Morale of today's entry is :

Never assume that what was there almost 10 years ago is still there.

Especially in fucking Sengkang.


Sunday, May 15, 2005

the little sinking red dot

Singaporeans are a bunch of loathsome motherfuckers whose inane complaints comes in infinite truckloads .

Reading the Forum every other day cuts shorts my life by a day and increases my blood pressure.

You wouldn't believe what kind of banal stuff those people complain about.

There was this letter directed at NParks from an irate resident with an issue regarding felled trees that was directly causing an increase in mosquitos because apparently those logs were blocking some drains which in turn caused a build-up in stagnant water which in turn makes excellent breeding grounds for mosquitos.

NParks replied diplomatically of course , but if it was up to me , i would have said

"Dear old menopausal lady , shut the fuck up before we shut yours . Get your facts right before shooting your mouth off because whaddya know about nature ?

If we could we would have obviously removed the logs to prevent complaints from motherfuckers like you but we couldn't because if we did , we would have caused damage to the environment because don't you know tractors and other equipment are mammoth in size , no ?

But of course you don't give a fucking damn don't you lady because protecting the environment is of no concern to you compared to getting mosquito bites on your delicate cellulite-covered skin. Be patient and give those logs time to decompose peacefully ya ?

'Sides , what proof do you have that the mosquitos you have been seeing are directly caused by those logs ? Invest in a good mosquito coil and a mosquito net and shut the hell up.

Yours sincerely ,


Another complaint that pretty much got me rolling my eyes was this obviously paranoid person who , after a visit to a goat farm or something , wrote to the Forum stating her displeasure that the farm compromised on hygiene because there was no soap on the farm , so the visitors could not wash their hands after coming into contact with the animals.


Who ask you to touch the goats in the first place ?

"Oooh i'm going to contract Salmonella and Hepatitis and die from inhaling in the stench of the goat's excrement"

I feel like kicking someone's ass whenever they complain about animals being too "dirty" and the rush to sanitise their hands after say , using one index finger to brush over the fur of my hamster for a fleeting second.

I have handled hamsters all my life and i have not contracted rabies or an outbreak of warts on my face yet.

I'll let you guys know that animals are NOT as dirty as they're made out to be.

Excluding those stray cats and dogs whose idea of fun is a romp in the dumps of course lah.

If they are so filthy , why are you eating them ?

Come on , if you're going to get so uptight about such rubbish then why visit a farm in the first place ?

Its like going off to an island retreat to get away from the stress of the city life and bringing your laptop and handphone along.

And then there's a plea in today's Sunday times to "Increase recess time of our kids"

In that heart wrenching letter one mother wrote about how her lil' spoiled brat has no time for a proper "recess" because "20 minutes is just not enough for a child to queue up , tuck in and play" , after taking into consideration the time taken for the teachers to dismiss them and to line up properly before going back to class.

She also bemoaned about the fact that some teachers make their lessons so long that it eats into their recess time , no pun intended.

Teachers , always getting the brunt eh ?? So much for caring.

Too much , and the parents feel the pain for their little emperors .Too little , and the parents cry foul ( "I pay for my kids education and they better be worthy of my money !" )

I've been a primary school kid once and yes my recess time was also 20 minutes and we would all moan and sigh whenever we had to stay back for recess for "not doing your homework" or seeing the minutes tick by as the teacher droned on long after the bell had rang for recess.

I ate my food in a rush and drank my 10cents cup of Grass Jelly or Soya Bean milk from the stall that always had rumours circulating around it like "The uncle never washes the cups and recycles the leftover left in our cups" or "The uncle washes and recycles the straws!"

After gobbling down my food , whatever is left of our precious recess time was spent in the fitness corner swinging on the Monkey bars , playing round-the-school catching , seeing little boys fight or digging holes in the sand ( yes we had sand in those days. What rubber mats ?? )

There would be a mad rush as the bell signalling the end of recess was heard and we would all line up according to our heights , a smelly and sweaty lot , but filled from the food and flushed from play.

If all of my peers grew up into normal looking and well-built people even after 6 years of recesses which lasted 20 minutes and a curriculum not very different from now , i don't why the kids of now would not survive.

Looking at my little nieces and nephews who are fortunately not spoilt and given the rod when necessary , i am glad that i grew up in a family where brattiness would not be tolerated and i shall make sure that the tradition will continue when i have kids of my own.

20 minute recesses ? No problem !


listenin to : deathcab for cutie - styrofoam plates


Saturday, May 14, 2005

underrated theories of life

I've never believed in karma .

On a side note , karma seems to be THE word thats hanging on everyone's lips nowadays , no thanks to that irritating Alicia Keys song.


If karma was for real , everybody would be walking around battered and bruised and i would probably be confined to my bed , limbless and bedsores covering my body because i simply have done too many malevolent stuff.

E.g : Yesterday , i was extremely pissed with a bunch of ants who had gathered around my forgotten glass of Ribena on the dining table and they must have been there for quite some time because most of them had swollen buttocks filled with the sweet liquid.

I've never been a cruel person but the sight of ants never fail to enrage me for some inexplicable reasons.

So besides immediately bringing that glass to the sink while cursing aloud and seeing the ants meet their death as they spiralled down the vortex and into the sewage , i turned my attention to the few lone rangers milling around the area and armed myself with a toothpick.

I guess you can foresee what is going to happen next.

I narrowed my choice to one particularly bloated ant and aimed the sharp end of the toothpick on its button and ..


The nano-sized bottom must have been filled to its max capacity because it burst with a satisfying splurt of pink liquid.

The little bugger didn't seem to be very affected by it and was still running about happily so i simply took a wet cloth and wiped all of them away.

So if karma was real , my butt cheeks would get inflated mysteriously and before i could get it checked at a clinic i would punture them accidently with construction scaffolding or something.

But today , i witnessed my first ever case of instant karma.

I went out with my grandpa for lunch and as you all know , old chinese men have this very unhygienic habit of leaving a trail of spit wherever they go and my grandpa was guilty of this as well.

So while we were at the bus stop , my grandpa started making colossal sounds with his throat and you could just hear the phlegm travel up his throat into his mouth.

So he spat .... and the spit flew right back and landed onto his shirt.

It was pretty windy and i laughed my ass off seeing my grandpa with that shocked expression as he craned his neck to see the unfortunate landing spot of his bodily produce on his shirt.


I walked around for two whole hours with a major wedgie and i'm telling ya , to have a wedgie up yours is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.

No , actually i think its second to having a strand of your pubes stuck to the sticky side of your pantyliner and every step you take exerts tension on that single strand and that explains the pained look until you lock yourself into a cubicle and carefully un-attach it from the pantyliner.

Unless of course you're too impatient and you rip off that fucking strand and that my friend , comes up tops in the pain department.


Thursday, May 12, 2005

the stupid things that we say

I realised that Singaporeans , on top stupid behaviour , shoot their mouths off without thinking as well.

Yesterday while clubbing at China Black ( it was a boring night since i wasn't in the mood ) , Green's head suddenly popped up from nowhere and i was pleasantly surprised to see him. Then i asked him two questions which made me feel pretty stupid afterwards

Stupid question number 1 ( This one's a common one ) : Hey hello Green ! What are u doing here ????

Hmm. What else can one be doing at a club ? Poetry recital ? This question is equally stupid in scenarios like

-You're eating at Macdonalds and then your friend happens to there as well. "Hey fiona !! My , what a coincidence .. What are you doing here ??"

Stupid question number 2 : So who are you with ???

This question would be okay if we hang out with the same bunch of people but no , Green and I are just casual acquaintances and besides , who else would you be with at a club ? Your teachers ?

Some other brainless things we often say

1) You're eating at your school canteen when your classmate passes by .. She says "Wah Fiona , Eating ah ? " ( Its more effectively stupid sounding when said in chinese "Wah Fiona , Zai Chi Dong Xi ah ?" ) . Its like .. duhhhhhh ( dumb blonde style )

2) When asked "Where are you going later?" , and you answer "going out , lor" . Another "Like , duhhhhhhhh" moment


Caught this flick with T just now and despite my initial enthusiasm in catching this show, i ended up pressing my palm or my bag to my eyes or hiding behind T's shoulder because some parts of the show were so gruesome that i wanted to throw up.

Actually it wasn't THAT gruesome as compared to movies like Seven but being the person who often thinks too much for her own good , i started putting myself into the victim's shoes and i felt their pain.

One of the scene that evoked the most reaction in me was when one of the guys gets bashed up by the killer and while he is badly injured , he is still very much alive and conscious but he gets strapped to a gurney and gets an injection which renders him immobile but NOT unconscious.

So basically he is a prisoner in his own body.

He could only watch in horror and squirm in what must be excruciating pain as the sicko starts doing all sorts of nonsense to him ( including stitching him up with massively-sized threads ) and worst of all , getting sprayed by boiling wax to complete the process.

A sadist's dream come true .

His friend stumbles upon his wax figure and amazingly he is still alive . His friend tries to remove the wax from his friend's face not realising that it has already fused with skin and instead of removing only the wax , the skin falls off as well revealing the flesh underneath. Subsequent attempts resulted in the same disgusting result.

It scares the shit out of me to think that anyone would even revel in such torture , if you wanna turn me into a wax figure or smth , please , just let me die a quick death.

If i'm not wrong , it has actually happened before in real life.

This guy who was supposed to undergo surgery wasn't fully anaethised , just enough to temporary paralyse him but not enough to fully knock him out. He couldn't speak and yes , needless to say, he felt the entire operation but was unable to protest.

In T's car , i had an impromptu trivia lesson.

Did you know that the tiny stripes on the er , rear window of a car actually have a purpose ?

YES! For the uninitiated non-drivers like me , they're actually called "Demisters" or something , and they're actually connected to a heating element which u activate with a button so that it de-mists the back window , presumably to aid you with errr .... a better and clearer view of the back ???

Gosh i sound like a dumb blonde ( or as T would put it , a pity you're not blonde )

Had alot of fun though more often than not i got my intelligence insulted lol.

Some interesting quotes of the night -

T : I'm going to drive you to a dark place

Me : So does that mean that we're from the Dark Force ?

**After realising that the "Dark place" was inaccesible**

Me : Oh we're no longer from the Dark Side now .. So we're Jedis !

Okay it wasn't very funny , stupid even but it was my own stupidity that made me laugh.

T : Hey look , pole dancers !

Me : Where ?

T : There .. On your left !!

Me : *turns* Where got ?

T : Too late already la .. By the way , you turned right.


I know , my IQ feels like its diminishing.

It has been quite some time since i laughed so much , so thanks alot T for amusing me :p


listening to : Matchbook romance - Promise


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

happy belated motherfucking day

I never felt the need to wish my mother a happy mother's day , much less shower her with gifts for the past 19 years of my life but somehow , guilt followed me around like a shadow and my conscience managed to persuade me to pick up the phone and to call my mom's office one day after mother's day.

Me : Hello .. Yvonne please ?

Auntie-sounding receptionist : Hold on ..

**Lousy on-hold music**

Mom : Hello ?

Me : *stammering* Hello .. Mummy

Mom : Hello my daughter ! How can i help you ?

Me : Err .. Happy mother's day *Embarrased chuckle*

Mom : Why thank you ! No presents for me ah ?

Me : Hee don't have .. I treat you to dinner can ?

Mom : Of course my dear .. How about sunday ?

Me : Okay..

Mom : I'll call you again to confirm okay ?

Me : Okay .. Bye ..

Mom : Bye ! *Click*

The joy in her voice was apparent and having being brought up in a traditional family where emotions are suppressed , i found it hard to bring myself to show concern for my family members much as i want to .

I know it sounds unfilial to say that i don't see why i should even call my mom ( with or without occasion ) but when you have a mom who deserts you when you're just a toddler barely a year old , the indifference remains.

It sucks to have your mom ask "When are you taking your O levels ?" when you're already almost 2 years into your tertiary education and even worse , getting your birthday AND your chinese name wrong.

Its sucks to discover that your mom is already legally married to her boyfriend from relative's hearsay .

I wouldn't say that i resent not having a mom to watch me grow up because i get more than enough attention from my grandparents and my aunts ( my dad didn't really give a damn either )

My mom is obviously trying to make amends , but for what ?

I suspect that there is a hidden agenda behind those fat sums of money given to me and that one call/meeting once every few months.

She just wants to make sure that i still acknowledge her as my mom so that she can turn to me during her twilight years .

Her favourite phrase whenever i try to reject her bribes

"Take the money la .. Next time when i'm old you can support me .." Followed by a worried "Right?" when i remain muted to which i will nod my head numbly and keep the wad of notes or cheque in my pocket.

For fuck's sake , i will not shirk my responsibility towards my parents even though their concern shown to me pales in comparison to that of my grandparents because it is my duty to do so.

I chanced upon my parents' divorce documents the other day and flipping through the yellowed sheets , tears smudged the typing reading what actually happened during the court proceedings and the last straw was realising that my mother didn't even try to fight for my custody.

She just left.

How very convenient.

It was a poignant yet funny moment to read how my dad actually went to lodge a missing person's report when my mom disappeared with her passport for a couple of days when i was just a month old , only to have her resurface with a shocking revelation that she had gone for a trip with another man.

What i found it funny was , it was quite obvious with my mom's wilful ways that a missing passport only meant that she had gone for a holiday with her friends and this i'm very sure that my dad knew but he only wanted the damning evidence of a police report that she had indeed gone away without informing her husband . In other words , my dad just wanted to potray her as the irresponsible and immature wife to hasten the divorce procedures.

I can't really blame her for wanting to escape , she was only 19 but already burdened with a bawling infant and it didn't help that she had an obstinate and rebellious character who always saw the grass as greener on the other side , all traits which i have unfortunately inherited.

I do not hate my mother.

However , i do not like her very much either. I hate talking about her and i detest it even more when i say that my mom is not staying together with me , which is already a clear indication of what has happened but yet some people are dense enough to ask what happened to my mom.

And i don't detest it not just because i am unable to get the prounounciation of "divorce" right ( is it die-vors or dee-vors ? )

Anyhow , mother's day IS too commercialised , just like any holiday.

Bloody fucking retailers.

So yes , i will be meeting my mom this sunday , which is probably going to be one of the two or three times we meet up a year.

She's a damn hip mom , btw.

She wears Roxy slippers , mini skirts , have 6 ear piercings and walks around without a bra somtimes.

She has huge boobs , one of the few things i didn't manage to inherit. What a pity.

Sadly i look nothing like her as well . I would like to have her large double lidded eyes and lips that look like they've gone for numerous collagen jabs.

Ohhhh well.

Looking like a life sized replica of my dad isn't THAT bad either. Yes , i am almost as tall as him.


Headed to town today with Si Xian and we were awed by the dressing room @ CK Tangs.

Bloody opulent , i'm telling ya.

It was just like a scene from post-modern Paris , complete with the Anna Sui-esque dressing tables ( Yep those with intricate girly carvings ) , rich satin walls , feather hangers and even music reminiscent of the good ol' 1920s ! ( Think Edith Piaf's La Vie En Rose ) .

The changing room itself was HUGE and dimly lit.

I think its around the size of 3 normal changing rooms so you can potter around the room parading in your try-outs.

There's even a day-couch for you to fulfil your Cleopatra fantasies !

Sixian and I grabbed two bras so that we could sneak into the changing room and coudn't resist a Kodak moment when we wore the CK bras on our tops just for the heck of it (the things girls do behind closed doors when put together .. You wouldn't wanna know ! Thats why we always visit the loo in pairs ! :P )

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Just look at the padded satin ( okay so its not really satin but it looks like satin. Feels like synthetic leather though ) behind us !! Everyone now .. Oooooooh , lavish !


Okay , time for bed ..



listenin to : goo goo dolls - Iris


Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Thats it.

Hair removal products HATE ME.

What does one do when its 2am with a satisfied tummy after supper @ Newton Circus and you have nothing on your hands ?


Groom yourself.

As usual i plucked my eyebrows and decided to shave my legs despite them being virtually hair-free save from a few thicker strands on my knee pads .

Undaunted by what happened on Sat , I slathered moisturisor on my legs and started shaving with one of my dad's disposable shavers ( lol , yes i admit i'm just too cheapskate to buy one for myself )

Since i haven't shaved my legs for months i forgot about something until it happened.



The mole was shaved cleanly off and of course , it bled.

It wasn't a very big mole to begin with , its about the size of an * but it was quite peaked so you can imagine.

Usually i'll just skip shaving that area because its hairless anyway but i was quite distracted just now and it just slipped my mind.

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It wasn't very painful except fpr the moment when i sliced it off and i had this thought :

What if i was a guy and i have a mole on my chin / moustache area?

Or even worse , 3 or more moles.


Imagine spending more time than most guys shaving because you have to maneuver your shaver carefully around the offending area.

Or choose to just ignore those moles and end up with a few spots of bushiness on your face.


I think i'll just stick to depilatory creams.

Meanwhile i'm going to stop shaving the rest of my legs and concentrate on looking for that piece of unfused mole and preserve it in a saline solution.


Working at the airport has made me more asset-rich.

To date , i've picked up

1) Cash ( The most i've picked up was a wad of 10 dollar notes amounting to $60 which the dishonest me pocketed without telling my collegues. Why should i ?? :P )

2) Magazines. Tonnes

3) Stationary

4) Ciggs

5) Lighters

6) A thumb drive that had about 100MB of family photos in it

7) Paperback novels ( The latest i've brought home is a Tony Parsons book )

And etc etc.

Not that anyone is interested of course .. Just one of the many incentives you should work in the F&B industry :P


Monday, May 09, 2005

when 24 hours a day is not enough

A summary of my sunday :

Went to work on a rainy morning just as dawn was breaking and the amazing part was , i have not slept a wink because after getting a swollen upper lip after yesterday's incident , i went to sleep and woke up feeling pretty much charged up at 1am and couldn't sleep at all after that.

The infamous Mr.Gopi came to work with a fine temper , kicking empty boxes and picking on his staff ( what an asshole ) and it was a pity that he stayed in the kitchen for the rest of my shift because i was planning to secretly record his faux accent when serving angmoh customers.


Headed to IMM to show support for Sam who was taking part in Mediacorp's "Project Superstar" contest but since my work ended pretty late her 15 seconds of fame was over when i rushed over and sadly she didn't get through the second round of auditions.

Decided on a whim to chill out at Boat Quay with Sam , Fee and Wan and i wanted to park our asses at Tony's pub but he's gone back to Vietnam so we walked around Circular Road for awhile and stumbled onto Eski Bar.


I was quite surprised to see it there cus' i thought it was located at Tanjong Pagar but turns out that they had opened a new branch .

We were intrigued and couldn't resist the temptation of bringing new meaning to the phrase "chilling out" .

We were given parkas to wear and being the swa-koos that we all were , started snapping photos while sipping on our jug of Cranberry Vodka which costed a whopping $35 .

The place is divided into two areas , the sub-zero area and the not-so-cold area.

The temperature at the sub-zero area was a numbing -5 degrees while the latter maintained at a more comfortable temp of 8 degrees which was still cold to the sweaty bodies of locals but perfect for me.

The place was pretty small as well , just like the rest of the watering holes in that area and the decor was quite space-age though it reminded me of the retro era for some reasons and the music was excellent , not sure about the genre but the best bet's downtempo.

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Yep , we look pretty snug and warm under those bulky parkas at the sub-zero area but hell no ! We were all wearing short skirts and open-toed footwear .

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Looking quite sleepy and yes , the swelling has subsided already. Hallejujah ! And you , stop scrutinising my upper lip for any signs of a moustache !

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frozen pornstars.

Kudos for this novel concept but just like any concept , the novelty will wear off eventually but i guess it isn't so bad for this bar cus' they can always just adjust the temperatures and it will be just like any other pub.

Verdict ?

Great for those get-together sessions as music's isn't too loud but you're definitely advised to be properly attired. Drinks are damn expensive compared to the other pubs nearby and they don't serve beer in jugs , only in small bottles ! WTF!?

We made the stupid decision of spending the rest of the night at the club formerly known as Hendrix . Queen's ( or Queenz ? Dunno la. ) is synonymous with Mats and Minahs and will most probably trigger off a fit if mentioned to any frequent clubber .

Actually i don't really like it when people look down on places that they don't frequent , e.g

Fiona : I'm going to Cheeky's later..


Okay i admit , i'm guilty of making fun of Sparks but doesn't everyone :p

As the saying goes .. One man's poison is another man's meat.

Okay i digress.

I was so tired after being deprieved of sleep that i really didn't feel like clubbing , especially on a sunday night but the rest seemed quite enthusiastic so i tagged along.

It was pretty fun at first as we played silly drinking games at the al-fresco area then as the night progressed we got bored and the place was really quite empty , which isn't very surprising so Sam and I decided to head home , leaving Fee and Wan with some quality time together. :D

I think i'm gonna stop clubbing for at least two weeks .. Feeling quite jaded already and all the smoke and alcohol is showing on my face !!

Alright, my laptop's running out of juice ..

Later , folks .


listening to : the killers - mr brightside


p/s : i got featured ( okay not that kind of frontpage featured but it was still a mention LOL ) twice in without realisation and i got a pleasant surprise when i check on my stats and my hits almost tripled !! Wowwwwwwww


Saturday, May 07, 2005

this photograph is proof

Reaching home at an amazing time of 8pm on a saturday is NEVER a good thing , and i was to find out that it is indeed a bad precedent.

Hung out with Mattie and his band and basically watched them jam the whole day and i was itching to get my hands on the drums but i was too paiseh to ask la .

Mattie drove me home after that cus' they have a private gig later and yeah we had a long talk in the car about some personal issues and i'm glad to say that everything has been resolved.

So what does one do at home on a saturday night ?


I was so desperate that i switched on the telly , which is always a last resort so its a good gauge of how bored i was and good ol' Mediacorp obviously doesnt give two hoots about the pathetic bunch of people staying home on sat nights cus there was NOTHING on tv but boring drama serials and the same goes for SCV .

Sure , the Naked Chef is cute but re-runs of his cooking shows are NOT.

I decided to pluck my eyebrows since they starting to look unruly and having done that i scrutinised my face for awhile in the mirror and was satisfied that the breakouts on my forehead were clearing.

Then i saw it.



I've always acknowledged the presence of the fine hairs there and never gave much thought to it though it receives quite a bit of unwanted attention sometimes and the last time i tried to shave it , i felt like a man.

And not surprisingly i nicked myself with my dad's shaver.

I decided to leave it alone ever since and as the chinese believe , women who have moustaches are generally pretty :p

But tonight , my moustache looked particularly conspicuous ( boredom does wonders to one's sanity ! )

I was disgusted.

I wanted to shave it but the small scar i have above my upper lip thanks to the nick scared the shit out of me so i decided to shelve it.



Now if you were wondering why the hell i have wax strips , i'll be honest and tell you.

I'm virtually hairless on my limbs but hairy like hell everywhere else.

I'm obsessed with keeping myself free of fuzz.


Yep.. It hurts but i've gotten used to it . Its just like plucking your eyebrows , to describe the first few times as painful is definitely an understatement.

Its more like traumatising and excruciating.

Okay.. I digress.

So i rubbed the wax strips between my palms to warm it up and since i was already an old-timer when it comes to waxing , i thought nothing of stripping off my moustache by it.


My skin throbbed with the painful aftermath for awhile and seeing that the fuzz wasn't completely removed i went ahead with the stupid decision of waxing it again the second time even though i wasnt supposed to.


My skin felt like it was burning and quickly i went to wash it with running water to ease it.

When i went back into my room and looked into the mirror , i screamed and almost fainted.

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It had swelled visibly on top of the redness and i look like a circus clown.



As of 10pm , my face still looks exactly like that .

I am so doomed.

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And the fine print reads "Swelling and redness may occur"

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How the hell am i going to go out tomorrow if the worst happens ?



Friday, May 06, 2005

those were the days !

On our way to China Black yesterday , Yan and I laughed our asses off comparing the photos on our ICs .

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Fugitives ( Yan on the left )

The photos were taken when we were about 15 , which makes it about 4 years ago and boy were we glad that we are much more normal looking now.

Its amazing how much difference a few years can change a person , both personality and appearance.

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Yan giving her love to her smelly soft toys

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Me looking quite naked at the most Traditional Chinese Wedding of the year. Tube tops ALWAYS give rise to the wrong impressions in photos . My two front teeth looks obnoxiously prominent here . Damn.

During those lower secondary years , the both of us barfed at the sight of each other and we hated each other pretty much , to the extent that whenever we crossed paths , we would make very disparanging remarks very loudly only to have the other retaliate with an equally insulting retort.

For example :

Me ( As Yan is walking towards me ) : Eeee .. ER XIN LOR !


We were both Ah Lians back then and since she was in the Normal stream and I , in the Express , we hung out with different crowds until sec 4 when i was so unfortunately transferred to the Normal stream due to very bad results and ended up in her class.

Things took a change for the better and now we're best of friends. Not alot of people can make me laugh ( usually when i laugh , i'm just being patronising :P ) but whenever we're together , its one big joke the moment we meet.

But we still have arguements la , especially with our shared unsolvable problem of tardiness.


The Ah lians back then all had awful taste , in terms of dressing and the way they carried themselves. Yep , the two of us were victims and come to think of it it was amusing how we disliked each other so much even though we were so similar . Both of us were skinny , gross and we wore our uniforms in the most disgusting way ever .

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It was The style when i was 13 , damn it ! I bet that this will not turn even the most die-hard uniform fetish fan on.

DON'T LAUGH ! If you're born between 1980-1986 , then most likely you would have commited this fashion faux paux if you were a girl and not geeky or seen your schoolmates wear their uniforms that way since it was the so-called "in" style.

I remember being reprimanded by Miss Chinniah during a flag-lowering ceremony ( back then we had afternoon sessions. Yes , i am THAT old. )

Miss C : Why is your blouse tucked in so tightly ? You think you very voluptuous huh ?

She thought i didn't know the meaning of voluptuous so my retaliation came as quite a shock to her

Me : Yah , at least i'm bigger than yours.

Not surprisingly she gave me The Eye followed by The Once-Over and dragged the discipline mistress over( who was a total bitch who cut my shoulder length hair a year later into a very short crop as coloured hair was prohibited , making me cry and becoming the joke of the year ) and as a result i had to un-pick my very short skirt , unfold my sleeves on and on top of that , loosening my blouse AND getting detention for being rude.

It happened so long ago but that will always be etched in my memory , man.

Some of the other damning attributes of an Ah lian :

1) The swagger in her stride. Loose arms are also a trademark.

2) The "Chao Chee bye !" , considered one of the most vulgar phrases in my vocab but so often used when i was that age. To be uttered with a flair , like "CHAO chee BYEEEEEEE" and then continued with what you want to say , e.g "CHAO chee BYEEEEEEEEE la ! You think you what , see what see ?" . Not forgetting the numerous animated gestures that follows.

Other common phrases include

Kao bei kao bu

BCAC ( Buay Chio Act Chio )

BLAL ( Buay Lian Act Lian )

Lao Lan / Xia Lan ( Seldom hear it nowadays lol )

3) A bad DIY dye job , usually copper brown

4) Fake branded goods , the popular brands back then were Fendi , Ferragamo , Chanel and Valentino.

5) Gang poems , usually acccompanied by techno music.

6) IRC nicknames like fEndi_gEr , xIaO^wAwA , bAbygUCci , xIaOangEL , sILLy_mUiMui , starRy^aNgEl etc etc.

The Ah lian of today i must say look much much better than the Ah Lians of yesteryear although they are still equally disgusting.

And oh , never ask someone whether he/she is Ah Lian/Ah Beng because NOBODY admits to being one.

Not very the glam , you know ? :p


I'm glad to say that things took a change for the better and that horrid style was banished forever to be replaced by a more comfortable look when i was in sec 3

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Taken a few months back when i suddenly missed my secondary school days

As you can tell , i had alot of fun during my 5 years in SGS and most of the people i know often agree that the times you have during your sec school days are the best and the friends you make that are always those that remain with you for the rest of your lifes.

I can never understand how some people can lament about how they hated secondary school , how glad they were to "leave that shit hole forever" during graduation when everyone else is crying and hugging each other.

More often that not , i noticed that those who do complain about their tormented sec sch life were the ones that everyone shuns simply because their attitudes leaves much to be desired ( though i know of some who totally abhors school cus they hated their uniforms and the "regime' ) and no , if you think that looks play a part , i can safely say that many of the popular schoolmates i know of are big sized but equally big hearted ( Everyone from SGS/SGT now .. " TEE CHEE CHING !" )

Tertiary education is one big blur where everyone seems to be in a hurry with schoolwork , relationships , NS and work.

Where got time to forge lasting friendships ?!


listening to : Solid base - Sea of Love . ( Ah. Old school techno. Perfect company for this Ah lian-ish entry. )



Thursday, May 05, 2005

she's so shy !

Ladies and gentlemen...


As my grandmother would say whenever it starts to pour

"Faster ah , take out the buckets so that we can save money by watering the plants with rain water !"

Had a girl's night out @ ChinaBlack with Yan , Ration , Elise and KJ and no , i did not manage to go to Thumper's because i was having too much fun at Black to head there. Hehe.

For the first time in my life i actually entertained thoughts of picking up a guy !!

During my clubbing session last wed , i couldn't help but notice this incredibly cute looking bartender who has small eyes and *shrieks* a goatee who bears an uncanny resemblance to Nakata ( Yep , that famous jap footballer ) and i told myself "The next time i come here i must get to know his name"

So yeah , i tried to talk to him yesterday as the club was closing but failed terribly.

I guess i must have come across like an idiot to be ordering 3 glasses of iced water ( had already drank quite alot before that ) within a few minutes when every other lady is taking advantage of the free flow of housepours but of course my main purpose of ordering the drinks was him la !

Every glass of iced water on the table was a reminder of my defeat because i had planned to talk to him when he was filling up my glass but somehow my words got stuck in my throat and all i could mutter was a shaky "Thank you" as he passed me my drink.

3 glasses of iced water = 3 failed attempts because i simply could not gather up the courage to speak to him.

I had good reasons for being apprehensive.

Major obstacle 1 ) Shyness . I'm not usually a bashful person but hmm. I wonder where my usual guts went to .

Major obstacle 2) Fear of rejection. I would so make the first move if i had Fiona Xie's bod , Joanne Peh's or Wong Li lin's face but unfortunately the grim reality is , i don't . Men are visual creatures :p LOL.

Major obstacle 3) Stigma. YEP. Society can be liberal but some narrow mindsets are permanent. Besides i've asked around and some guys actually don't like the idea of girls making the first move although i suspect that they are lying . Can someone please confirm my suspicions ? HA!

I guess the next time i should ensure that i've had at least 5 glasses of Vodka Cranberry before asking for iced water again. :P

In the end , i could only look at him wistfully as i sipped on my iced water and Yan laughed at me for being such an imbecile and it didn't help that a little while later 3 girls were seen flirting with him as they waited for their drinks !

Never mind , there's always a next time :p

Time to head out now .. Later folks !! =)


listening to : sex pistols - anarchy in the U.K


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

101 ways to have unconventional sex - Part 1
** explicit content **

Sick of missionary ? Try these.

The piss drunk clubber's method ( commonly known as club rape ) :

Wear a flimsy dress that ensures maximum cleavage exposure and easy to remove yet sexy killer stilettos ( not recommended for the morbidly obese ) and head to clubs where hairy angmohs hungry for ONS with exotic asian flesh are dime a dozen ( e.g Attica or any club/pub @Clarke Quay )

Hang around the bar in a comfortable come-hither pose e.g sitting crossed-legged on a bar stool with the hem of the skirt pulled back as far as possible to reveal your creamy thighs or leaning against the counter with your ass sticking up.

Order 5 glasses of red wine because it is so not chic to be seen gulping down tequila shooters even though the kick sets in faster.

Lose consciousness as you feel yourself getting hoisted away by strange laughing men.

Wake up to find your panties around your ankles with blood on the sheets in a cheap hotel room and a handful of used condoms near your feet.

One.. Two.. Three... Eight used condoms !

And an empty tube of KY Jelly.

That explains the soreness down south.

In the ass , too.

The Darling-If-You-Love-Me-You-Would-Let-Me-Fuck-You method :

Your girlfriend is an uptight virgin who leaves not-so-subtle hints of marriage by sighing very loudly whenever the both of you walk past bridal boutiques and says things like " Dear .. How old do you want to be when you get married ? I want to get married by 24 leh .. hee hee hee "

And then you realise she IS 24.

She freezes whenever your hands venture past the out-of-bounds territories and just when you thought you could , she covers herself with the blanket and pretends to sleep , leaving you high and dry with only your hands for company.

You have no choice but to resort to pressure.

She looks at you with watery eyes and biting her lips she unbuttons her shirt.

WTF , you think. Majiam i raping you liddat.

The horny convent girls method :


'Nuff said.

The ONS in the car method :

Cramped spaces , but how very utterly exciting.

You don't even know his name , but it doesn't matter.

You get bruises from bumping into every nook and cranny , but it doesn't matter.

Your legs ache from being on top ( info ever so kindly provided by GGYY ) , but it doesn't matter.

You're supposed to slide your palm down the steamy windows during orgasm , because Kate Winslet says so.

The outfield method with sexy garang soldiers in their number 4s :

Anywhere , anytime. LOL.

Trenches also can.

Or if you're into exhibitionism , in the dorms also can , provided that your sir doesn't mind of course.

Just be sure to remove your heavy duty boots before attempting anything because it takes so bloody long to remove those damned boots , momentum might be ruined.

The Ah Lian method :

Ah lian : You got buy the *tee hee* condoms or not ah ?

You : Yes darling.. I bought the ribbed ones .. You're gonna love it baby..

Ah lian : What ! Ripped ? How can ! Wait your xiao come out how ? Wah lan eh .. mai siao leh !

You : Not ripped lah .. Okay , Never mind .. Come , let me kiss you..

Ah lian : Eeeeyur why you kiss my ears one ! So itchy one leh !

You : Okay fine..

Ah lian : EH YOU VEH VEH VEH VEH DIRTY LAH YOU why you kiss ears and down there one ?

You : Fine.. I'll take off my clothes first ..

Ah lian : Can off the lights or not har ? Liddat you see me bo cheng sar i very paiseh leh

You : Its okay sweetie i like to look at you .. Hey , suck me baby.

Ah lian : Simi lan ?

You : Suck my dick lah.

Ah lian : YOU KI SIAO AH !You want me to kum your la* jia* ?!! YOU WAIT LONG LONG AH !


LOL i can't believe i typed all of that shit. I'm at Starfucks now rottin away with HH and Ros taking full advantage of the free wireless with HH's lappy ..

Cheers !

China black / Thumpers here i come !!


Listening to : Seal - Kiss from a rose ( because his eyes become larger when it snows. Conjunctivitis from the snow getting into his eyes, i assume. )


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

a wedding **** UPDATED*****

Attended some distant cousin's wedding dinner just now at some elusive seafood restaurent and i couldn't help but go .. "I'll be damned if my wedding dinner was anywhere close to this !"

First of all , this wedding dinner is as traditional as a cotton embroidered hankerchief my grandmother uses.

Think big "Double Happiness" cut-outs , a massive plastic wedding cake that's probably collecting dust on the upper tiers thats out of sight , artificial flowers in baskets on equally artificial marble columns lining the red-carpeted "isle" and chrysanthemum ( wtf ?! ) corsages in the breast pockets of the groom and his immediate male relatives.

Did i mention the music ?

How very horrid.

Of course , no wedding is complete without K-Ci and Jojo crooning "All my life.. I dream of someone like you.."

Bla bla bla.

Truth be told , i will definitely have none of that sappy shit played during MINE.

I think it'll make a more lasting impression should i walk down the aisle accompanied by Marilyn Manson going

"Sweet dreams are made of these .. I wanna use and abuse you .. I wanna know whats going on inside you..."

I was totally aghast when the lights suddenly dimmed and i got aurally assaulted when they started playing some sort of old-school techno junk and the banquet waitresses came out from somewhere holding the first dish which had a tea-light on it and basically they just walked around the entire restaurent in a poorly choreographed manner and even went up the stage parading the dishes as if it was some sort of trophy which made my cousin and I laugh out so loud we had to be hushed.

The waitresses not even sweet young things lor , as you would expect them to be at hotels ( if you havent noticed those banquet wait staff at hotels are usually teenagers like me ) . They were old , cranky , stiff and their makeup were as thick as pancakes. Hehehhe.

It was a pain to see the newlyweds go through the traditional procedures of toasting the audiences and being made to do a dare on stage by their friends and surprise surprise , they were made to kiss and that was about it.


That is so tame and boring. A dare is called a dare because you would have to be daring to complete it , and who the hell doesn't dare to kiss his bride ?

The last wedding i attended was Lindsay's and we made the groom fish out a strawberry from her cleavage with his mouth and chin and a lap dance which wasn't really properly executed because of her super fluffy gown but hey this is so much more exciting than a mundane kiss , no ?

The food was so-so , nothing to shout about . I am so lookin forward to another cousin's wedding this sunday to be held at Four Seasons hotel.

Hopefully , no more corny songs nor wilted banquet waitresses.

Headed out with T for supper which was Tau Huay at this place at Circuit road but being the undiscerning Tau Huay fan i couldn't tell what was so special about it that had him waxing lyrical over it.

Drove to Geylang after that and for the first time in my entire life i actually walked into the back alleys where all the action's supposed to take place and it was indeed quite a revelation to see the scores of young women lurking about everywhere and i swear to god they looked like they lusted after T and would probably drag him into the bushes to rape him or offer their services to him at a "special price just for you , hen-sum !" if i wasn't beside him cus' i guess he's like a rare delicacy among the ugly old and tiko men they are so used to seeing .

I was surprised to see all sorts of women there , both the naturals and the non-naturals ( c'mon , you know what i mean )

But they all had one thing in common :


Really big ones with abyss-like cleavages that made me feel... Inadequate.

Women from every walks of life catering to different men , the older ones ( for the poorer men since the rate for the has-beens are much cheaper cus' they're less attractive and their down there is err .. loose ? :p) , the malay ones ( for the Mats ) , the china and vietnamese ones ( for the potential wife-seekers. LOL. ) and there were even indian ladies all wrapped up in their saris !

I wanted so badly to pop into a brothel to check out the "Fish tanks" which T vividly described but i guess i would be less than welcome in there so i skipped it.

"Fish tanks" are , for the uninitiated , are places where the women stand behind glass panels as if they were on display and the men can take their time to scrutinise them before choosing. Apparently those from "Fish Tanks" are much "cleaner" since they are so-called legalised and they go for regular checkups for VDs .. information ever so kindly provided by T who sounds like a resident expert :p

Do you know the line which is popular among the China ladies when trying to hook up the lusty old men ?

I do .

"Xian Shen .. Yao chi mah ??" ( In a girlish voice with a cheena twang to it of course )

It literally translates to "Sir .. Do you want to eat me ?"


I saw this hot china chick approaching one perturbed looking man and she went ..

"Xian Shen .. Lai mah.. Lai chi ah.." ( Mister .. Come come .. Come and eat ! ) while refusing to loosen her grip on him even though it was obvious that he wasn't interested.

Aiyo .

As we walked through the back alleys , i felt like i was being stripped mentally and it didn't help that i was in my usual getup of camisole and jeans which wasn't .. er , very conservative i guess.

I felt so vulnerable when T had to visit the loo and i was left alone for a few minutes feeling very very afraid that i would get approached by the tiko old men with the classic question of "Xiao Jie , Duo shao qian ?" ( translation : Miss , how much ? )

Luckily it didnt happen.

I saw women sitting on the laps of men as they guzzled down frosty mugs of beer and i even saw one guy blatantly reach under the skirt of a Thai girl under the bright lights at a kopitiam.

As my grandmother would put it in cantonese

"Mong An Tai Ah !" ( translation : No eyes to see ah ! )

I saw couples going into the darker areas of the alleys hand in hand and managed to catch a glimpse of couples leaning against the walls , hot in action. Heh.

I deduced these are the ones who cannot afford to pay for a romp in the hotel and they have to make do with wherever is more convenient eh ?

In a nutshell , it has been an eye-opening excursion for me and my heart went out to the ladies whose dignities has been compromised for money.

And yea , i have new ideas for my scriptwriting project !! woohooooo.

Had a long chat with T in the car and i told him i didn't agree that sex is essential in a relationship , to which of course he opposed to vehemently saying that when you're in love , u will just want to do it .

And besides , "What do you know anyway , Miss Virgin ?" ( yes , thats what T said )


Eh , being a virgin doesn't mean i am ill-informed okay !

I just feel that , i have read about couples who remain chaste all their lifes due to religious or personal reasons and if they can do it , why not others ?

But maybe , just maybe , my mentality would change when i meet that Someone.



Monday, May 02, 2005

sweet dreams are made of these

** explicit content**

Everyone has fantasies , and of course , i have mine too.

No , i don't fancy being gang-raped or being flogged by metal chains while chained and bound to a wooden beam.

Nothing along that line , la . I may have a slight sadistic streak in me but hey , too much of a good thing is bad okay.


As most of you would have found out by now , i currently have a thing for hunky soldiers in their Number 4 uniforms.

A number 4 is , if you're THAT ignorant .. ( minus the awful looking camouflage thingy perched on their heads and the cumbersome haversack or whatever you call it )

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Where boys become men .

I think its just so damn sexy lor .

Most girls associate the Number 4 with sweat , grime and B.O ( think 5 days without bathing during field camp hur hur ) but to me , guys in their Number 4s are a picture of manliness , garang-ness , macho-ness and sexiness. LOL.

As a result, Chee once suggested during the peak of my Number 4 obsession that i should stake out Pasir Ris interchange on weekends as it is when the soldiers come in busloads as they return home for the weekend after being tortured at Tekong and i am considering the idea.

Okay , i was just kidding.

He was even reluctant to meet me wearing his Number 4 because he didn't want me to start getting my hands all over him.



While eating at Takashimaya yesterday with Pek , an ex schoolteacher from my secondary school walked past us and mind you , he wasn't your average disgusting, ancient and frail teacher.


He looks gay , which is definitely a compliment since gay men are extremely well-groomed , articulate ( Mr.Wong is an ABC i think ) and of course , posess an excellent physique.

It was a pity that i didn't end up in any of his classes but it was impossible for us not to cross paths because he was a strict disciplinarian and I , your typical rebellious schoolgirl with the scandalous hemlines and the wrong haircolour.

More often than not he would be hollering at me from the other end of the basketball court to "TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT , FIONA !" or giving me a short lecture in his suave american accent as to why i should not be wandering about in the school compound during lessons while i would suffer a strained neck from staring lovingly at him as he preached because he was just way too tall to maintain eye contact comfortably.

Come to think of it , maybe it would be a better idea if he asked me to "bend over with your hands on the table" as a punishment while he spanked me as he preached , since actions speak louder than words.. LOL !!

"Are u aware that this is not your father's school and thus you're not allowed to do as you wish , Fiona?" *SPANK*

"Yes Sir.."

"Do you think that you should be doing what you did , which is sneaking out during lessons ?" *SPANK*

"No Sir.."

"You're a very naughty girl , Fiona .." *SPANK*

"Yes Sir.."

"Such a bad bad girl .." *SPANK*


WTF this is getting too far-fetched and blasphemous.

Speaking of school teachers , there was this old guy who had the notorious reputation as the hum-sup P.E teacher.

Everyone calls him Tiko Lee behind his back. ( I shall not disclose his real name here just in case but im sure everyone from SGS would know )

He would ask girls to do push-ups while he would stand in front of them under the guise of "teaching you girls how to do a standard push up " .

And guess what.

He would stare at the unfortunate young ones and it is common knowledge that P.E shirts are made of extremely flimsy and loose material and when you're in a pumping position your collar will hang loose , revealing almost everything underneath.

Yeah , so little girls , always bite your collars when in a pumping position ! I've got a long list of the hum-sup things he used to do but i just can't recall it now . Damn.

And no wonder , its 5am now and i'm in need of a good rest after a day's worth of work.

Oh , and i am always amazed/entertained by the intelligence some people seem to lack.

Just today , some smart bugger asked me what course i was taking , so i told him. He stared at me intently and said "Oh no wonder .. You have the mass communications look!"

I was like... WTF ?

I don't carry Arriflex cameras nor voice recorders around with me and neither do i speak with a phoney accent just like they do on ChannelNewsAsia .

So is there an Engineering look as well ?? The distinct smell of diesel oil maybe ? ( okay so engineering is not all about about engines but lets just assume la )

How about the Biotechnology look ? Nobody walks around in lab coats , dearie.

Yawn. I NEED TO SLEEP. Please pardon the errors made as i'm just too tired to correct them now =)


the writer








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